...and it's a pretty good one, at that! -K-

August 2, 2008 
Boy, what a borin' race
By Dorothy Nobis For The Daily Times
Article Launched: 08/02/2008 01:32:19 AM MDT

I wait all year for the Brickyard at Indy. I look forward to NASCAR
hitting the bricks at Indianapolis Motor Speedway. I anticipate the
fanfare, the glitz and the history of the track, and I look forward to
good racin'.

While the fanfare, glitz and history of IMS was true to form, the racin'
part somehow managed to take the weekend off. Somebody forgot to tell
the racin' gods that they were supposed to be at Indy last Sunday, that
this race is one of the highlights of the season, and that fans actually
expect to see a race; not a parade of cars going about 75 miles an hour
around the track. We expected to see NASCAR's finest rubbin' and racin'
and fighting for the win, and the opportunity to kiss those bricks at
the start/finish line.

The race was so boring, I groomed the Cat Who Won't Stop Talking. He is
now the Bald Cat Who Hides in the Closet Until His Hair Grows Back. I
actually fell asleep a couple times, only to wake up 20 minutes later to
find out I had missed nothing.

There was nothing good about the Goodyears, people. Those tires were
Badcenturies, and they made for an unexciting race that was not fitting
for IMS.

The race was so uneventful, I suspect even the drivers fell asleep
behind the wheel. Crew chiefs were getting pedicures and pit crews
played cards between tire changes. Tony Stewart used his cell phone to
order a Subway sandwich, and his order was delivered by a kid in a Yugo,
who passed Tony three times and could have won the race on accounta he
had good tires.

I couldn't even justify quaffing my vintage white zin on this race; I
opted instead for Maddog 20/20, which was better suited to the race and
was just as bad.

As with every thundercloud, however, there was a silver lining; my Sweet
Baboo finished fourth. It is just a matter of weeks before Elliott
Sadler, who would love me if he'd just try, wins. And when he wins one,
he'll win a bunch. For reals.

The other good thing was that Boo-hoo Busch did not do well, and did not
dominate the race, which was very, very good for a change. It's nice to
see someone else win a race. I'm actually glad it was Jimmie Johnson,
who, I heard, ordered his own bricks and mortar for a backyard barbecue
pit from Lowe's during the race. I mean, it's not like he didn't have
time, and it's not like there was any real racing going on.

My Sweet Baboo, who, for those of you who just skim this column,
finished fourth at the Brickyard, said placing that high was almost as
good as winning. I prob'ly don't agree with that, but a smile from my
Sweet Baboo is wonderful, and I can tell he's rethinking the getting
married to that cute little woman who isn't me, on accounta he heard I
may be transferring my affections to Kute Kasey Kahne. 'Course, I also
heard Kasey's PR people already have contacted the authorities, hoping
they can get another one of those annoying restraining orders, keeping
me away from Kasey, the 9 car and anything remotely associated with me
and Gillett Evernham Motor Sports.

That's just not right, I'm tellin' ya.

They should appreciate my support and my total dedication to my drivers.
They should, but they don't. Then, I got hate mail from those three
women who do those insurance commercials with Kasey. Just cuz I'm cute
and available and foam at the mouth when it comes to my drivers, they
didn't have to get all mean and hateful with me. My relationship with
Kasey won't be the same as my undying devotion to My Sweet Baboo, who
would so love me if he'd just try.

I have considered moving on to Tony Stewart, but it seems everybody I
know wants Tony (even some of my guy friends) and I really fear the
threats on my life from a couple of the women who have contacted me,
through e-mail, vicious voice messages and security guards. Whatever.

Speaking of Stewart, I'm sure nobody was surprised to hear the
announcement of the impending announcement that Rocket Ryan Newman will
be Tony's teammate. The Stewman era is about to begin in NASCAR and it
will be exciting. They're kind of an odd couple, though, ole Tony and
Ryan. Tony's the brash, outspoken bad boy, and Ryan's the quiet
engineer, but ya just have to know they'll be a team to watch.

We're on to Pocono this weekend. I made reservations for Elliott Sadler
and me at one of those adult resorts Pocono is famous for. I found one
that has a heart-shaped pool, a seven-foot-tall Champagne Glass
Whirlpool and a cozy, wood-burning fireplace. I thought it would be the
perfect place for My Sweet Baboo and me to recover after the race, and I
pledged my 401k to pay for it. I'm pretty sure he'll show up. I put the
reservations under the name of Carrie Underwood, who sings better than I
do and who doesn't have those nasty restraining orders. I packed up
several cases of my vintage white zin to take, and have a friend shoving
food and water under the closet door for the Bald Cat Who Hides in the
Closet Until His Hair Grows Back.

I think Elliott will do well this week, which will justify the gazillion
dollars the room is costing me. He'll have another top-five and Dale
Earnhardt Jr. will win. And Penske Racing will hire Ward Burton to drive
the 12 car. And we can hope there are no tire issues this week and fans
get what they pay for.



Farmington Daily Times
Address:http://www.daily-times.com/sports/ci_10076877

Whatever it takes......