A river of gold, or green, or orange
By Dorothy Nobis The Daily Times
Article Launched: 04/19/2008 12:00:00 AM MDT

Who knew his favorite color was orange? I'd a thought it was green, the
kind he's gonna make with Whiskey River, in addition to the gazillion
dollars he makes on endorsements and at the track.

According to reports (which I got from the Internet on accounta my
sports editor, King Louie, won't devote all the space necessary to cover
the only sport that matters - NASCAR), Dale Earnhardt Jr. opened a bar,
Whiskey River, this week. It's got a stage, a mechanical bull and a
dance floor (I heard that was put in for Elliott Sadler and me, who I
have suggested as the next perfect, cute couple for Dancing With the
Stars. It will be a surprise to Elliott, who will love me when he knows
me, and he'll wear tight pants and a chest-baring shirt, and I will wear
some cute little number that covers up my three chins, my sagging rear
end, my graying hair and my double knees, which run in my family).

Anyway, Junior named the bar Whiskey River after a Willie Nelson song.
And since Junior's favorite color is orange, there's lots of color in
the bar.

I'm guessin' there will be lots of NASCAR folks rockin' and rollin', and
doin' some line dancing when the season is over.
Maybe this weekend, on accounta there's no race.

I can't imagine anyone not wanting to go to Whiskey River for a good
vintage white zin (which I'm sure "e" stocks, cuz he's got the money to
buy it) or a yagerbomber (before I get nasty calls, I know that's not
how you spell it, but my spell check doesn't recognize it). Not that I
know what a yagerbomber is, you understand. I've just heard they taste
really good and they can make an old woman think she's a younger woman
who dances on tables.

Whatever.

I hope "e" makes it with the bar because he probably will need something
to do in his retirement, 30 years or so down the road. He needs the
extra income, people, because he's still NOT WINNING. What's up with
that? He came so close last weekend - again. There I was, watching and
cheering and whooping it up because he was so far ahead of everyone
else, he was in this week already. Then I had to refill my paper cup
with vintage white zin, came back from the wine crawl space and he was
like, really behind. And who zooms from the back for the win? Who, I ask
you? Jimmie Johnson, that's darned who.

I'm telling ya, Johnson's got probably the smartest crew chief in the
world in ole Chad Knaus. The guy just knows what's happening in the car,
in the pits, in everybody else's car and, I swear, has an in with Mother
Nature. I sometimes wonder, though, if there really is a "Chad Knaus,"
or if it's a robot Rick Hendrick made that has a brain that's totally
NASCAR. I mean, the man's a machine, as good as he is with that No. 48
car.

He's cute, but not so cute that he detracts from the real star of the
team — that, of course, is Dale Earnhardt Jr. in case some of you
were confused.

Anyway, Chad knows his stuff, knows his driver, knows his lines, knows
the tracks and, I'm pretty sure, knows when the camera is focused on him
because he always has that worried look, like he's not sure what he's
doing. I'm thinkin' robot, here, folks. Knaus is just too good to be
real. And how do we know he is - real, I mean. He smiles, and his teeth
shine like stars. He speaks, and he knows of what he speaketh. He chats
with his driver and it's like he's in the car with him. He shows up at
an awards banquet and he has a cute date, he looks great in a tux and he
doesn't sweat. Robot, gotta be a robot. I want one.

Speaking of what's real and what's not, what happened to the Dodges last
week? My sweet baboo, Elliott Sadler's engine blew, and poor ole Rocket
Ryan was cookin' when his blew. Kasey Kahne had trouble with his brakes
and Bobby Labonte lost a cylinder. Bummer. Get these guys some help.

Just so's ya know, I haven't found a ride for Ward Burton yet. I'm
calling people, trying to talk to people, pleading unashamedly (is that
a word?), and no one will return my phone calls. I think Richard
Childress would be a good match, I think Yates could attract a major
sponsor if he signed on Ward, and I think the world would all hold hands
and sing Cumbya if Ward had a car, a sponsor and me as his marketing
guru. For reals.

You know who else needs a ride? That would be Dick Trickle. Y'all
remember Dick Trickle: He was, like, the oldest driver ever to win
NASCAR's Rookie of the Year in the Cup Series, back in 1989, and the
dude was 48 years old and had grandkids, forcryinoutloud. Dick had a
heart attack not too long ago and is sidelined this year, but I'm sayin'
bring him back. Put him and Ward together on a team and they'll be
smokin'.

Back to Dale Earnhardt Jr. and his Whiskey River. (Maybe Ward and Dick
could get together and open a bar for the "older set" of NASCAR drivers
and fans. It could be Ensure Stream, with a trickle of Geritol mixed in,
which would lesson the "burton" of getting older.)

Anyway, the best quote in the online interview with Junior was when the
reporter person asked if other NASCAR drivers would be dropping in to
WR. "There's no one who's not allowed," "e" said. "There are just some
we might not invite."

I can only hope and assume - although you know what they say about
people who "assume" - he means that witchy ole Teresa Earnhardt, who, if
she'da been nice and respectful to the sport's most popular driver and
the son of her late husband, might have had a piece of the cha-ching
that's bound to be the real music in the bar.

Whatever it takes......