(The latest from the always entertaining and insightful Dorothy
Nobis...)
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Address:http://www.daily-times.com/ci_8658297?source=most_emailed

Let Ward drive the truck, please
By Dorothy Nobis The Daily Times
Article Launched: 03/22/2008 12:41:36 AM MDT

Before y'all ask, yes, I cried.

I cried when they introduced Dale Jarrett for the last time, I cried
when they introduced his family, I cried when his dad waved the green
flag, I cried when the fans help up placards that said "Thanks Dale,"
and I cried when he didn't have a great finish.

I cried when I saw that darned commercial again, which I must say
featured the ever-so-lovable Elliott Sadler, who will love me when he
knows me (I decided to take on a more positive attitude about my
relationship with Elliott. It's no longer a matter of "if," but "when"
he knows me, which will happen as soon as they lift the eleventeen
hundred restraining orders against me. I've considered bribing a judge,
but can't find a judge I can afford. Whatever.)

Anyway, Dale Jarrett's last points race was sad, although I have to
admit, ole DJ didn't seem to mind it as much as his fans. All the
drivers and crew chiefs in the drivers meeting before the race at
Bristol gave him a standing ovation after he gave his farewell address
(which some of
our elected officials could learn from, I might add. It was short and
sweet, which some of those folks us voters place into office can't
comprehend). I think Dale's looking forward to being in the broadcast
booth (if I say that like I really know what a broadcast booth is, I
don't, but I have a vivid imagination. See references to Elliott Sadler
for verification).

The thing that made me cry the hardest, though, even after the tears I
shed when I discovered I was out of vintage white zin before the race
was half over (I think Oliver, The Cat Who Won't Stop Talking, is
getting into the wine crawl space and quaffing my good stuff, because
his meows have gotten a little slurry-er lately. That and the fact that
I'm finding corks under all the furniture and when I uncork a vintage
bottle, I save the corks for a wine garage I plan to build), was that
Dale and UPS did not turn the keys to the truck over to Ward Burton.

I hate to be a nag (contrary to what several of my ex-husbands will tell
ya), but we're gettin' into the season and my itty-bitty buddy Ward
still doesn't have a ride or a sponsor. I didn't think it was too much
to ask to have UPS give Ward the truck, and for NASCAR officials to make
one teeny tiny exception and let the little guy race. UPS had great
commercial success with Dale Jarrett, but can you imagine how popular
Ward would be?

Give him a booster seat and a six-foot ladder to get in the truck and,
I'm tellin' ya, the big brown truck would find its way into Victory
Lane. And UPS could tell viewers anything they want, on accounta you
can't understand anything Ward says anyway.

My buddy, Ron, who is a lucky stiff who covers NASCAR in Las Vegas, and
has covered NASCAR for, like, forever, has actually interviewed Ward
Burton more than once (it so should be me. I'd pretend to be Ron at a
race, but there's, oh, prob'ly a good foot and a half difference in our
heights and my mustache is bushier than his), and he said he's never
seen Ward's lips move. Still, putting Ward in the truck, with a team
like — Childress or Hendrick or WOW (Women of Ward, a new team I
hope to get started, although I understand his lovely wife, Tabitha,
isn't on board yet. Go figure.) would generate a new buzz, a new
excitement, in the garage area and most certainly in the stands. I can
see the COW (Colors of Ward) mixed in with the green and blue of
Earnhardt Nation. For reals.

Speaking of Ward, I probably should mention that his younger brother,
Jeff, won the Bristol race last weekend, and it was a very popular win.
You can never whine when Jeff Burton wins a race (OK, "e" fans can whine
a little, but even Junior's legion of fans like JB), because he's nice
and kind and not whiny or nasty to people and is someone you'd like to
have as a best friend. And I love it when Jeff's lovely wife, Kim, gets
all excited up on the box, even after all these years. They're such a
cute little couple — much like Elliott and I will be.

No one really saw Jeff's win coming, though. Early on, it looked like
Kyle Busch was going to be the car to beat, but darn the bad luck,
Kyle's power steering failed and he wrecked. Then Kevin Harvick wrecked
Tony Stewart, which left Denny Hamlin the remaining threat to Burton.
Alas and alack, though, Hamlin didn't have a great re-start and Burton
cruised to a win. Richard Childress was a happy camper, because three of
his cars and drivers: Burton, Harvick and Clint Bowyer finished in the
top three. (Note to Richard: if Ward were driving the truck for you, it
could have been the top four. Just an FYI.)

Earnhardt Jr. fans were hoping for a win by the sports most popular
driver, but "e" finished a very respectable fifth, which puts him in
front of the other Hendrick drivers. Quite frankly, it's stuff like this
that makes "e's" teammates a little more likeable to me. I'm really
growing quite fond of Jeff Gordon, because he's got that cute baby at
every race, although I wish they'd give her ear plugs or put ear
thingy's on her when those engines rev, yaknowhatimean.

And I'm working on the Jimmie Johnson thing. I actually drove into a
Lowe's parking lot last weekend. I was shaking so hard, I couldn't
actually stop, though, and it did take a few days for the rash to go
away, but I'm tryin', people, I'm tryin'.

I'm also apt to go into deep depression this week, because NASCAR
drivers don't work on Easter, which I personally think is a good thing.
I'll save my depression for after church services, then I'll wallow in
it and, if Oliver hasn't popped the last cork, I'll offer a toast with
my vintage white zin, for all Easter means.

Whatever it takes......