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Dale's gonna race the truck
By Dorothy Nobis The Daily Times
 03/15/2008

It will be a sad day at Bristol.
While the world (yes, I say, the world) has waited for Dale Jarrett to
drive the truck, when he takes his final lap (and we're gonna hope he
makes it to the final lap, cuz it's the right thing to do) Sunday, I
will cry.

I've never known a NASCAR world without Dale Jarrett. Always soft
spoken, always nice, always professional, Jarrett was the epitome of
what a champion should be. His speeches at the annual Awards Banquet
were always peppered with names of his sponsors and he was a driver
everyone else looked up to (of course, he's like six feet, 80 inches
tall and poor little Ward Burton looked him square in the knee cap, but
DJ was always very nice to the little guy. This is an important fact to
know.).

I remember the year Jarrett won the Daytona 500 and his dad, former
NASCAR champion Ned Jarrett, was calling the race from the booth (do ya
sorta like it that I sound like I know what a "booth" is?). Anyway, it
was very exciting and I cried then. I just wish I were one of those
pretty criers; you know, those women (and, dare I say, some guys) who
cry and their eyes glisten all cool and their mascara doesn't run and
their face doesn't get all splotchy. When I cry, it's like total
boo-hoo-ville and my nose runs, which is never pretty, and my eyes swell
up almost shut and I never, ever have tissues, so have to use my sleeve.
I pretty much don't associate with women (or guys) who cry pretty, which
has narrowed my associations, I'll have to tell ya.

I digress, however. While Jarrett has had lots of cool sponsors (I say
that because at the moment I can't remember them, but they know who they
are), it has been UPS that has created the magic that is Dale Jarrett.
For the past seven years, UPS has been Jarrett's sponsor and their
commercials have always been fun. They built an entire marketing
campaign around DJ (does anyone hear "raise" for that marketing guru?),
and it has worked for both of 'em.

I've seen the last UPS commercial, though; the one where Dale finally
gets in the truck and takes to the track at Phoenix International
Raceway. He is joined, except in their for real race cars, by Elliott
Sadler, who would love me if he knew me, Martin Truex Jr., Kyle Petty
and Bobby Labonte, who race with him. The final seconds of the
commercial show Dale hanging up his truck keys and clutching a race
truck key chain.

Talk about makin' me cry; heck, I've seen the darned commercial like 10
times, and I still cry. I cry so loud that The Cat Who Won't Stop
Talking thinks I've turned into a banshee and hides in the tub, behind
the shower curtain, and does his "business".
(Did I mention The Cat Who Won't Stop Talking wasn't the smartest of the
litter? But he, like his mistress (not THAT kind), was the cutest. It is
a cross we both must bare; or is that bear? Whatever.)

Anyway, I will miss Dale Jarrett. He's a cool dude and a class act and a
great driver. I know we will see him in the booth (there I go again),
where he will undoubtedly make Rusty Wallace and Darrell Waltrip sorely
jealous on accounta he's like goooood. I understand NASCAR plans a
tribute to Dale on Sunday, which will make me cry more. Maybe I'll
invite a friend over, in case I run out of sleeve.

Thanks for the memories, the championships and the incredible talent you
brought to the track, Dale. And I especially thank you for being one of
the few in the garage who has not had a restraining order issued against
me.

You're the best, in my book.
Now that my eyes are all swollen, my mascara gone everywhere but my
lashes and my face is all ugly blotchy, I have just a coupla things to
say about last week's race at Atlanta.

First of all, and it pains me more to say this than it did giving birth
to the Perfect Child, Kyle Busch drove a heckofa race. The kid has a
talent behind the wheel of a race car and his heckbent determination to
win every race is a good thing. I still find him arrogant and
insufferable, but I will no longer deny that he is a good race car
driver who will eventually turn into a great one. Maybe I won't have to
dispose of my millions of dollars of M&M stuff, which is my children's
inheritance. That would be a good thing. That and the fact that I
really, really miss having M&Ms with my vintage white zin every night.
It's called "dinner."

Tony Stewart came in second, but Tony's been totally dissing those
Goodyear tires all week; much to the dismay of Goodyear stockholders,
who will likely see their stock plummet if the drivers continue to hate
the tires. I know next to nothing about tires, except they are very
expensive and I once traded in a vehicle on accounta it was cheaper than
buying new tires for it. For reals. But even Dale Jarrett said Tony has
a point, so it will be interesting to see if the Badyears are fixed and
become Goodyears again. Stay tuned. Film at eleven; in the booth.

I was very, very excited to see "e" come in third. It is just a matter
of time - seconds, really - until Junior takes a checkered flag and goes
to Victory Lane. I hope witchy ole Teresa is watching.

My heart broke, though, when Elliott Sadler (w-w-l-m-i-h-k-m) crashed
not once, but three times. His little face was just fraught with
disappointment and while I didn't break out into a big cry, my eyes
watered, which made my mascara run. If Elliott didn't have bad luck, he
wouldn't have any. He always does well at Bristol (I think, if he
hasn't, he will), so I expect great things from him. 'Course I always
expect great things from him, but those things aren't gonna happen until
the restraining order is lifted. Whatever.

I'm buying extra white zin for Sunday's race and am continuing my search
for a ride for Ward Burton. Maybe Ward could drive the UPS truck. I know
David Reutimann will have Jarrett's car, but what about the truck? If
anybody can put the Big Brown Truck in Victory Lane, it's Ward. Give him
the keys, DJ, give him the keys.

Whatever it takes......