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THE PROPHET SPEAKETH
College Football's Place for Foolishness on the Internet
© 2004 P. Chamlis/The Prophet Speaketh, All Rights Reserved
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Another pothole on the information superhighway,
conveniently located at

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/theprophetspeaks
http://workmanpoll.com/prophet.shtml

=============================================================
The Prophet's 2004 Birthday Greeting to the Masses

Thanks to all who have called and written to wish me a happy
birthday. I have now passed 48, and the golden 5-0 is well within
sight. I've often been told "you're not getting older, you're
getting better". This is, of course, a complete lie. I'm willing
to settle for "not getting worse". And, I believe my year-to-year
winning percentage bears me out. My ten-year rut of mediocrity
shows little deviation from its usual 72-74%. Oh well, like I
always say, if you want a quality product, pay for it. Better yet,
just bribe the players and win all the time.

OK, on with the birthday fun and games. In keeping with cherished
tradition here at "The Prophet Speaks", I again share with you, my
loving readers, many of the warm birthday greetings that I've
received from my many friends all over the world. Thanks again for
thinking of me, y'all. I'd like to say that you guys are the best
readers in the world, but that's sadly also a lie. You are,
however, all that I have. So for another year, it looks like we're
stuck with each other. Here's what the celebrity public had to say
to me on the occasion of my 48th birthday.....


"Four years ago, my personal fortune was worth a measly 500 million
dollars. Today, with little or no positive effort on my part, I'm
now a billionaire. That's a lot of ketchup, my man. I got no
complaints about the economy, if you catch my drift. Prophet, you
and I have been tight for years, so let's just keep this OUR little
secret. Guess who I'm voting for?"
Teresa Heinz Kerry,
Ketchup magnate and potential first lady


"Happy f*%K*%$ birthday from one g*@ d*#%mMed conservative to
another. Your newsletter is so f*%#^Dng funny that I almost s*^# on
myself when I read it. I forwarded a copy to that c*c% s@!Cking
senator Leahy from Vermont, but he hated it. Then I remembered that
they don't have any real football teams in Vermont. They're more
into those p*$@~y sports like soccer and such. Oh well, happy
birthday again and keep sending my m#@t*r f*%#&^ing issues on time."
Dick Cheney,
Vice President of the United States

"I know that you keep making fun of me, calling me a trollop and
such. But I showed you. I'm getting married, and soon. Really
married, too...not playing around like that little Vegas
shenanigan. So there. I even got a ring and everything. See, I
am old and mature enough to be an adult, regardless of what you
might say. So Happy Birthday old man. And guess what? I'm gonna
be wearing Jennifer Lopez's wedding dress, unless she has to use it
again. With her, you never know. Heck, her new hubby's already
asked me out a couple of times. As for the dress, I know, I know,
it's a tad too large. We're going to use the material we cut out of
the ass to make a nice tablecloth to put under the groom's cake.
And no, I'm not inviting my intended's ex-wife and newborn baby to
the wedding. That's be in really bad taste, and you know how I'm all
about being classy."
Britney Spears,
Engaged and respected young singer


"I've never really cared much for you OR your newsletter. But this
year, I've decided to become a subscriber. I'm hoping to trade it
on the inside for a case or two of Virginia Slims. The menthols go
nicely with Laura Ashley curtains and Mexican tile. Now, I just
have to think of SOMETHING to improve my wardrobe. I have NEVER
looked good in stripes."
Martha Stewart
About to be "living" with a new bunch of roommates


"Hey Prophet, happy birthday. You know what? I agree with Bill
Cosby. Black folks have got to quit blaming others for their
troubles. Prophet, it's not your fault if some brother gets 10
grand in the hole by following your picks. BTW, I heard that you
know Bill Cosby. You think he'd loan me 10 grand? Get back to me,
OK?"
Pete Rose
Gambling expert


"Most people think I didn't take the L. A. Lakers job because of my
sincere love for college basketball. The truth is, though, that I
was embarrassed. You see, I just couldn't remember how to spell
that Shak, er Shack, Shaack guy's first name. And that other
guy...the one who's about to get capped for his actions in
Colorado. Coby...Cobie...Kobey...jeez. Where do people come up
with these bizarre names? Even though the Lakers eventually traded
Shak, er Shack, er Shaack, or however the hell you spell it, it was
already too late for me. And crap...did you see the name of the guy
that they DID hire as their new coach? Talk about a Scrabble
nightmare."
Mike She-shoves-ski
Still the head basketball coach at Duke University

"Happy Birthday, my dear man. I hope your past year of life has
been better than mine. I need your help, Prophet. I know that you
are an influential man in your country, and you are probably the
only person I feel that I can turn to. As you know, the recent Abu
Gharib prison incidents in Iraq have been well-documented. I am
outraged by what I have read. I saw that dog collar photo. What's
up? Here I am, still the president of Iraq, and I don't even get no
dirty phone calls or porn magazines. Where's the justice? See if
you can pass the word on. I'm here and I'm still a player. But,
please don't send that little hillbilly from West Virginia. She
just ain't my type."
Saddam Hussein,
Still President of Iraq

===============

Welcome back to "The Prophet Speaks", folks. In case you haven't
heard (ha ha), it's another election year. I'll skip the old joke
about the number one holiday in Japan. Figure that one out for
yourselves.

OK, I'm in the prediction business, and more than one person has
asked me who I thought would win the election this fall. Political
pundits who are getting paid zillions of dollars to decide this
stuff might be a better source, but I will take a stab at calling
the November General. But, I've decided to use a different method
of evaluating Kerry versus Bush.

Many years ago, pre-Prophet, I used to run an annual holiday college
football bowl pool. Yes, it was gambling and yes we did it for
money. Actually, the pool was where I got the nickname Prophet. I
decided to use the clever double-meaning Prophet (which also sounded
like profit, which I planned on making) for my "handle". Anyway,
the first year we ran the pool, some lady (hi Donna, wherever you
are)won the pool. The funny part was that Donna doesn't know jack
sheeeet about football, but she got almost every game right. I
asked her what her secret was, and she explained that it involved
team nicknames. She found out that, for instance...a game between
Georgia and Maryland was a battle between the Bulldogs and
Terrapins. Then, she'd try to decide which mascot was tougher. In
that particular case, she would say "surely a bulldog can mangle a
turtle", and she'd pick Georgia. Don't laugh. She won a big pile
of loot.

So, let's alter but utilize the same strategy on the election.
We'll pair the candidates and the major football teams in their
relative states. That should decide it. And before you think I'm
nuts, I did some historical research. Let's look at some past
elections....

Nixon vs Humphrey, 1968. HHH was from Minnesota, home of the
(then) lowly Golden Gophers. Nixon was from California, which was
home to USC and UCLA, both national powers at the time. On the
surface, this was a slam dunk for Nixon. But why was the election
so close? Easy....Nixon was a Quaker, a man of peace. So, that
somewhat cancelled the football prowess of the big LA schools. But
in the end, Tricky Dick nosed out Hubie.

Nixon vs McGovern, 1972 Remember those "Don't let McGovern lick
our Dick" bumper stickers all over the South? Well, if Humphrey and
his Gophers couldn't take down Nixon in `68, what chance did
McGovern ever have? Do they even have a division one team in South
Dakota? Makes you wonder why Nixon felt the need to cheat at
Watergate.

Carter vs Ford, 1976. OK, Georgia versus Michigan looks like a
pretty tight contest. And factoring in the business about ol' Jerry
being an ex-football player should have meant four more years of
Ford for America. Only an offensive lineman could manage to screw
such an advantage up. Jerry Ford played center, folks.

Reagan vs Carter, 1980 Was this over before it started? Reagan
was "the Gipper". The football Gods couldn't have had a more
perfect candidate.

Clinton vs Bush, 1992 Clinton was from Arkansas, which has a
pretty fair country football history. Sooooey Hogs. And by this
time, the football Gods had figured out that Bush the Elder was no
more a Texan than his vanquished 1988 foe Dukakis.

OK as you can see, there is something to this football team
business. How about this year?? Bush vs Kerry. Well, that's
easy. I say Bush wins. Listen to the man talk, folks. He's a
Texan. His daddy ain't, but he is. And Kerry? He's from
Massachusetts. With all due respect to Boston College, Bahhhhston
isn't exactly famous for football prowess, while the Lone Star state
is.

In a close one, call it Bush. 275 electoral votes to 264. Now, on
with my Birthday Greeting....

==========================================

OK, we've already touched lightly on the subject of politics and the
presidential election process. Folks, I cannot tell you how much I
truly DREAD the next few months of campaigning. American politics
has gotten so nasty and ugly that it's embarrassing. I've already
started stocking up on Advil and Pepto-Bismol for the headaches and
upset stomachs that are about to come my way courtesy of the fine
supporters of Misters Kerry and Bush.

Besides the nastiness of the race itself, one thing that continues
to annoy me endlessly are the cacophony of lies and phony promises
that will be made to the gullible American public over the next four
months. But instead of complaining nonstop on the subject, I've
decided to set an example. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the
Prophet's Absopostively Guaranteed Honest Campaign promises for
2004......

I hereby promise to occasionally swear in writing. I'm no Dick
Cheney, but I damn well know a few good words.

I hereby promise to cut back on weekly number of predictions that I
will be doing, ostensibly because of my busy, busy home and work
schedule. If I were a politician, I'd tell you how you were going
to get fewer picks, but that they'd be funnier and more accurate.
But the fact is this, dear readers. You're getting less, and
they'll be no better than they've been the last ten years. They may
be worse. No, hell, we're being honest here. They will be worse.

I promise that even though at least 30% of my readers are (for some
unfathomable reason) Kansas State fans and alumni, I will still
occasionally dare to suggest that the Wildcats might not win the
national championship. I do promise, however, that with the
exception of their opening creampuff contest with Western Kentucky,
I'll lay off the "soft schedule" crank of the past decade. Go
Wildcats. ;)

I promise that I will show little or no respect and regard for any
of the major or minor religions of the world. I also promise that I
will rag on each denomination with an equal amount of ridicule and
satire. And a special note to my Mormon/BYU friends....it is only
your imagination. I do NOT pick on you more than the Catholics.
Oh, here's one other special religious promise, again to the BYU
faithful. I'll only use that husband and wive(s) joke three or four
times this year. Really. Remember, you all know how much I like to
use big words in my newsletter. Well, I just can't remember how to
correctly spell polygamy any more reliably than I can the last name
of that guys who's still coaching Duke basketball.

I promise that I will still write my weekly predictions without
doing any form of research or study. You guys have always suspected
where I was pulling these picks out of, right? OK, I just admitted
it. I promise you that you're wasting your time betting on my picks.

I also promise to belittle anyone publicly who cancels their
subscription for some "high and mighty" reason. "You fail to show
political correctness" "Your language and sexual innuendo has no
place in a sporting document" That sort of thing. If you want to
cancel your FREE subscription, just send me a short note saying
something simple. "Dear Prophet. You suck. Quit sending me your
stupid newspaper. Your ex-friend Brigham Young Billy." Note to the
BYU faithful....you guys just imagined that last sentence. :)

To my male readers, I promise that I will quit writing clandestinely
to all of your wives and girlfriends. It hasn't gotten me anywhere
over the last ten years, so why waste the typing time? My carpal
tunnel is getting worse anyway. (Note to Lynn....you are an
exception, Bug. Being married to the Rebel puts you in the Mother
Teresa class of suffering. I'll still write to you.)

I promise that I will honor and write about any and all bowl games
that appear on the NCAA landscape. Now, we all agree that there are
wayyyy too many post-season contests these days. But, I suppose
that any team that stumbles into one of the new lightweight bowl
games still deserves my respect and attention. So, bring on "Hebrew
National HotDog Company presents the Al-Jazeerah Bowl", live from a
minefield near you.

I solemnly promise to ignore any halftime show on television or in
person that does not feature and solely focus on the representative
marching bands from the institutions involved. Now, most of you
know that my son is in FSU's band, so I have a fatherly and vested
interest in halftime shows. But really, are we better off nowadays
with halftime shows featuring "accidental" stripteases (the
politically correct term is "wardrobe malfunction") and punk
superstars singing at staged concerts with phony fans crowded around
pyrotechnic-laden stages? Give me a great couple of marching bands
anyday....and I promise TO watch and enjoy every minute.

I promise to quit calling folks in the hill country of Tennessee,
the Carolinas and West Virginia nasty names. I promise to quit
making fun of their colorful rural heritage, along with their
questionable ideas of randy fun on hunting trips. OK, I only can
promise to TRY to quit making fun of the "Deliverance"
angle...that's still pretty funny. But, I gotta be careful picking
on these hillfolk. One of these days, some of them are going to
learn how to write and lick postage stamps, and then I'm gonna have
to move.

I promise to cut down on my use of and references to items and
memorabilia concerning Nazi Germany. I'm beginning to get a
reputation out there, and I need to make things richtig...oops I
meant right. I am no bergruppensturmf hrer, you know. I also
promise to never again call the Texas A&M Cadet Corps "the Hitler
Youth". That's as close as I ever came to getting lynched over
something I wrote in Prophet.

Since he's not actually IN college coaching these days, this one'll
be easy. I promise NOT to use the words "Steve Spurrier"
and "arrogant son-of-a-bitch" in the same paragraph.

And while, I'm making promises about coaches, I'll try to cut down
on the references to age, as in incredibly old age. Joe Paterno can
coach until he's 115 for all I care. Is it true that working at
JoPa got his job working in the athletic department at Penn State a
week after he successfully swam to the last opening on a Titanic
lifeboat?

And last and probably least, I make the same promise that I've made
and kept for well over a decade. Every week, I'll be here. I'll be
good some weeks, terrible on more weeks. My humor will dance near
cutting edge, but will routinely rest at mediocre and/or juvenile.
I will continue my long-standing practice of beating dead horses.
And as always, I will not tell anyone that you're reading the
Prophet. Misery loves company, and I love you guys. Every stinkin'
one of you. I just don't know exactly what IS wrong with you that
keeps you coming back for more.

BUT, more is what you'll get. That's it for this year's Birthday
Greeting to the Masses. The next time you'll hear from me is when
we have our first games slated. I know that you are all like me
with regard to college football. You just can't wait.

August always seem to be the month that I anticipate the most.
That's true this year too, and even more than usual. Even if I live
to be 91 years old, August will always be special in my life.

I'm still here folks, and I'm ready to rumble. Thank God for
college football.

=================================

I'd appreciate it if you'd all go out and recruit some new victims
for the Prophet newsletter. Please have them send their
subscription request to :

theprophetspeaks-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Be sure to include the word SUBSCRIBE in the subject and body of the
letter.

Or, if they'd like for me to personally sign them up, tell them to
send email to prophetfootball@..., and I'll try to respond
promptly.

BTW, if any of you get to see the Florida State University band this
fall, you'll undoubtably notice that fine-looking young junior
playing alto saxophone. That would be Prophet Junior who is
beginning his third season as a Seminole bandsman, and his first
year as a Music Education Major.

Let's have fun this year. It is about time for some college
football, and I can't wait!

Prophet