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THE PROPHET SPEAKETH
College Football's Place for Foolishness on the Internet
© 2003 P. Chamlis/The Prophet Speaketh, All Rights Reserved
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Another pothole on the information superhighway,
conveniently located at

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/theprophetspeaks
http://workmanpoll.com/prophet.shtml

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The Prophet's 2003 Birthday Greeting to the Masses

Greetings College Football Freaks! As most of you know, my birthday
is in late June. I bet that many of you were secretly hoping that
the extensive delay in the promulgation of the annual birthday
greeting meant that I had either (a) died or (b) decided not to
write Prophet this year. Sadly for all of you, neither situation
has come to be. I am old, but not yet dead. And, for some
unfathomable reason, I'm going to waste another fall writing the
Prophet. It's almost as silly as the time you guys waste reading
it. Birdbrains of a feather, I guess.

Anyway, part of the reason for the delay in writing the birthday
greeting was an lengthy vacation that my family and I took for most
of June. We visited Namibia, in southern Africa. For anyone
considering such a trip, I heartily encourage you to take the
plunge. Namibian hospitality is of the highest order, and you'll
have a great time.

===============

When I returned to the US, I had to sort through literally hundreds
of birthday wishes from around the world. It's always nice to know
that I've had such a positive impact on so many people with this
Prophet newsletter. And as always, I want to share a few of the
greetings that I received...

"Happy Birthday, c'est la vie! I hope you have many happy
returns. As for reading your newsletter, I must wait first for
security council approval. You can't be too careful."
Jacques Chirac, president of France

"I just BET you had a hell of a birthday, Prophet."
Adrian MacPherson, former pro football prospect

"Cancel our subscription and quit calling us on the phone. Now that
we're over 21, we don't need you any more."
Jenna and Barbara Bush, legal adults

"I'm glad that you liked my movie so much that you saw it twice in
the theater. It does worry me to know that the last film you
viewed more than once was Rocky Horror Picture Show. Oh well, yo ho
ho me mateys. Happy birthday."
Johnny Depp, aka Captain Jack Sparrow

"I thought you said you were going to make me the CEO of Prophet
Industries Worldwide. How can you say I'm not qualified to hold
such a job? I can read, and I can write, and I can jam. And,
I've even seen a few football games. C'mon man, give me my shot. I
can't keep up my lavish lifestyle by just selling underwear and
cologne."
Michael Jordan, retired former VP of the Washington "Woozers"

"Ring, ring, it's me again. Happy Birthday and all that. I need
some help. How do you stay popular when you get old and people
start getting tired of you? Certainly YOU should know the secret
to THAT. And, don't suggest dressing like a skank. That ain't
working. Hugs, big guy!"
Britney Spears, aging pop star

"I don't get to talk to you much, since you don't never go getting
yourself into legal trouble. So Happy Birthday, man. And, tell
your readers that the next time they're in trouble with the law and
they're guilty as all hell....I'm their man!"
Grady Irvins, the sporting world's Johnnie Cochran

"Your birthday was a big celebration, but we're planning on having a
much bigger blast sometime soon."
North Korea, those fun-loving wood nymphs of the Pacific Rim

===============

The 2003 Birthday Greeting

Well, I just haven't had any good ideas as to what I should write
about in this annual birthday message. It's just another reason for
the delay in publishing the greeting. That's the wonderful thing
about the regular football season. Crap or not, the Prophet has to
go out. When you run out of time, you just send out some sorry sub-
par effort and move on to the next week.

So, considering my inability to come up with a good idea for the
birthday greeting, I've chosen to reverse my field of thought. How
about bad ideas? I've had some really, really bad ideas in my
life, when I wasn't even trying to think them up. Surely I can come
up with some stinkers if I put my mind to it. Let's give it a
shot.....

How about "Mountain Dew" chewing gum? It may not actually be THAT
bad of an idea if they can somehow cram all the caffeine we normally
associate with a bottle of Mountain Dew into a single stick. Then,
at least those sleep-deprived truckers who depend on the Dew to keep
them awake won't have to fiddle around with a drink while they're
motoring down I-95 at 105 miles per hour.

Do you need exercise, or do you enjoy riding bicycles? Then, I'd
think it would be an extraordinarily bad idea to participate in the
first annual "Tour de Congo". And, if you'd like to compound the
bad idea of actually riding in such a race, then be sure to carry
lots and lots of cash on your person as you wind your way throughout
the friendly DRC. (Democratic Republic of the Congo)

How about time-defined gifts for the recently deceased? What could
be a worse idea than to give Qusay and Uday Hussein a membership in
Hickory Farms' "Cheese of the Month Club"? Then again, it's
probably better to give them such a gift after they've been killed
than during their tumultuous lives. Can you imagine the depths of
torture that would have resulted from the theft of a cheese log?
By the way, how do you say "Saddam's sons" in pig-latin? "ED-DAY"

In another twist on the previously discussed bad idea, you should
never give a magazine subscription to someone who's 100 years old.
Because, paid in full or not, someone like Bob Hope would now be out
of "Time" in more ways than one.

My best bad idea for America's pastime would be to purchase season
tickets for the Detroit Tigers or Tampa Bay Devil Rays. You can
even more bang for your bad idea buck by springing for box seats
right behind home plate. Don't worry, there'll be plenty left, even
if you wait until the last minute. If pro football's more to your
liking, I understand that you can still get horribly-over-priced 50-
yard line seats for most of the Arizona Cardinal games.

The next time you're out shopping, be SURE to insist on purchasing a
plasma TV, some computer software or perhaps hormone replacement
therapy medication that was manufactured in one of the former Soviet
republics. There's nothing that'll make your computer go go go like
a Windows knock-off from Kazakstan. And, there's nothing that'll
make your lady gone gone gone quicker than some Uzbek estrogen.

Want to add a little game of chance to your bad idea? Mortgage
your house, and then head out to Vegas to bet every dime on the
Dallas Cowboys to win the Super Bowl. You might try to reserve
enough for a nice tent, just in case. And, speaking of the
Cowboys, numerous sports radio shows have made light of the lovely
sight of Coach Bill Parcells in a pair of tight coaching shorts.
Letting your thirteen-year-old daughter see such an atrocity is a
sure way to have her end up on Ellen Degeneres' Christmas card list.

Here's something that always leads to trouble.... The next time you
get an email offering you the chance to see if your credit card
number is today's winning entry, be sure to click on the hyperlink
and supply all requested information.

Declining any form of anesthesia is usually a bad idea. But for the
worst of the health-related bad ideas, skip the novocaine and gas
for your next root canal. And, if you survive the experience, go to
your video store and check out "Marathon Man" for a chance to relive
the experience. Speaking of bad dental plans, be sure to select a
dentist who is also a Nazi.

If you're into bad ideas AND excitement, here's a beaut... The next
time you're playing your "Cheap Trick Live at Budakan" CD at concert
hall frequency, and it results in the accidental arming of your home
burglar alarm system, enter the "we're being held hostage" code to
shut it off, rather than the usual "off" numbers. And, when the
police show up, share your little joke with them. They've got
wonderful senses of humor, especially in the middle of the night.

Here's a real stinker....the next time you're in a bar in Wetumpka,
Alabama, ask the bartender why there's no Boy George tunes on his
juke box. I bet you'll find someone who really does want to hurt
you.

Another really bad idea is to take stock market advice from counter
clerks at the Quickie Mart. Numbers have always given those guys
trouble....especially numbers under 21.

Want to try a bad idea AND save money? Go to New York City,
Chicago, LA or any large city. Then when selecting a motel, say to
yourself "I'm just going to sleep at this place, why in the world
should I spend more than $17.95 per night for a motel room?" You
can compound the catastrophe by going through with the afore-
mentioned bad idea without first purchasing some penicillin and a
bug bomb.

Into religiously bad ideas? The next time you're in an airport,
just utter the words "why yes, I'd like to learn more of the
Reverend Sun Myung Moon's eternal love" to some guy wearing a robe.
The next thing you know, you'll be getting married to one of Kim
Jong-Il's kids at Safeco Field.

===============

For better or worse (mostly worse), that's it for this year, folks.
We have officially kicked off the 2003 football season. I'm looking
forward to another year of kicking people when they're down, dead
horse beating, and assorted other tomfoolery. As usual, I'll end up
getting about 75% of the games right in the regular season, and will
then miss over half of the damned bowl games. I hope everyone
remembers that I really have no axe to grind (actually, I don't have
an axe), and that all my jokes are intended to satirize and
bullyrag. My motto is "malice towards none, ridicule for all", and
I mean it.

I'd appreciate it if you'd all go out and recruit some new victims
for the Prophet newsletter. Please have them send their
subscription request to :

theprophetspeaks-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Be sure to include the word SUBSCRIBE in the subject and body of the
letter.

Or, if they'd like for me to personally sign them up, tell them to
send email to prophetfootball@..., and I'll try to respond
promptly.

BTW, if any of you get to see the Florida State University band this
fall, you'll undoubtably notice that fine-looking young sophomore
playing alto saxophone. That would be Prophet Junior who is
beginning his second season as a Seminole.

Let's have fun this year. It is about time for some college
football, and I can't wait!

Prophet