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THE PROPHET SPEAKETH
Fool's Paradise for Internet College Football Fans

© 2005 P.Chamlis/
The Prophet Speaketh, All Rights Reserved

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Hello Propheteers! I hope you're enjoying the bowl games so far.
The good news is that Prophet is actually over .500 at this point.
I am notorious for missing bowl games, so maybe this is the start of
something new and exciting. Maybe not. But, thanks to everyone who
wrote last week saying how much they enjoyed the first bowl issue.
I always prefer being funny over being accurate. ;)

Speaking of being funny, gotta share this with y'all...

A couple of days ago, our local newspaper ran an article about
research being done at the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago. Apparently,
they've discovered that female gorillas go through menopause.
Gasp. Jeezus, now we know why male gorillas, especially older ones,
beat their chests all the time. :)

But seriously, what the HELL good is this research? I'm sure there
are tax dollars involved, and I, for one, would like my taxes spent
on something more useful. What are we gonna do about this menopause
thing in the gorilla world? Are we going to send veterinary hit
squads out into the jungles of Rwanda armed with hormone-replacement
therapy darts? And what about hippie gorillas who'd prefer a
natural therapy? Will we give them soy-protein based banana
substitutes? I don't even want to think about the dreaded "L"
word. (lubrication)

But one point I'd like to make. Is there a more dangerous or
frustrating position than being on this research team? Can you
imagine how dangerous dealing with menopausal gorillas could be? I
don't remember anything like this on Wild Kingdom when I was growing
up. As Steve Irwin would say "Crikey, she's in a bad mood".

OK enough silliness; let's move on with my bowl picks for the games
up through New Year's Eve...


Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The MPC Computer Bowl
Boise, ID

Boston College vs Boise State
This will be BSU Coach Dan Hawkins' swan song in Boise as his
Broncos take to the field one last time under his direction. I'm
sure that Lovin' Dan will be a big success down the road in Boulder
starting next year, so long as he can adjust to having a green
football field. Seriously folks, don't you find yourself being a
bit "antsy" as you watch a football game played at Boise State?
That blue field just messes with my mind. I can only imagine what
effect it might have on a menopausal gorilla. :) But home field
color notwithstanding, BSU (a frequent participant in this Idaho-
based contest) usually has a distinct Rocky Mountain advantage
because of weather. Several Southern ACC teams have plodded
northward, and some have gotten stuck in the icy conditions of a
Decembery Idaho. The conference has now made a few changes that
should improve the ACC slate in snowy Idaho for now and into the
future. You see, the conference's newest member, Boston College,
flies into potatoland on Wednesday, and they're well-suited to any
crappy weather imaginable. If EVER a team was designed to compete
in a cold and snowy environment, it's Tom O'Brien's BC Birds.
Remember, Boise has nothing on Beantown when it comes to horrid
winter weather. So, look for the winner to be determined by events
on the football field, not in the atmosphere. The Eagles' size and
strength should wear out both their Idaho welcome AND the hometown
Broncos. We'll call it close, but with BC pulling away at the end.
SnowBirds by 6.


The MasterCard Alamo Bowl
San Antonio, TX

Michigan vs Nebraska
You gotta give the honchos at the Alamo Bowl serious credit, which
is appropriate considering their MasterCard corporate sponsorship.
They've lassoed two of college football's "A-list" teams for the
2005 clash. It doesn't get much more classic than Big Blue against
Big Red. Perhaps this classic confrontation will clear the Alamo
Dome of the stench left by the woeful New Orleans Saints' home
games. (Ay-yi-yi, as they locals would say) But getting back to
the game at hand, there's no disguising the fact that both "M"
and "N" had off-years in `05. Michigan truly figured, at least back
before the season started, that they'd be in the hunt nationally.
But since they couldn't beat any major Big Ten Clubs, save Penn
State, the Maize and Blue heads to Texas instead of California for
bowl season. And Nebraska... Well, the good news is that they
actually made it TO a bowl game. The bad news is that win, lose or
draw in San Antonio, Husker Coach Bill Callahan still faces huge
expectations and intense scrutiny next fall in Lincoln. In fact, if
I were ol' Bill, I might just slip on down to the Rio Grande and
disappear into Old Mexico when this one's over. Look for
Meeeeshigan to say "adios muchacho" to Nebraska Wednesday night.
Wolverinos by siete.


Thursday, December 29, 2005

The Emerald Bowl
San Francisco, CA

Georgia Tech vs Utah
For a while, I thought my beloved Seminoles might be headed to
Baghdad by the Bay for the Emerald Bowl. But our pals at Virginia
Tech did their part and kept travel costs down for FSU. OK, back to
this game...sorry for the opportunity to do a bit of gloating. I
wonder why they (Emerald) don't share the COMPLETE corporate
sponsorship story on this bowl's name. Isn't Emerald a "nut"
company, as in marketing almonds and such? Then again, I guess any
bowl game held in San Francisco would be considered a "nut bowl",
merely because of locale. The fine folks of the bay area are
interesting and varied, but they're odd ducks, in so many ways. I
sometimes have a tough time understanding why I love San Francisco
so very much. But I do. And speaking of leaving one's heart in San
Francisco, I believe that Chan Gailey and his Yellowjackets from
Atlanta are going to be enamored with San Francisco, too. As for
Utah, look for this dish of nuts to be thoroughly forgettable.
Georgia Tech by 7.


The Pacific Holiday Bowl
San Diego, CA

Oregon vs Oklahoma
The city of San Diego has hit the bigtime in college football post-
season prowess, as they now host two bowl games each December. If
they could just think of a way to invite Navy to both games, they'd
clean house. But, this year's matchup of UO and OU should have
plenty of fireworks, even without any battleships. The '05 Holiday
Bowl is much like the '04 contest. You have a malcontented one-loss
Pac Ten team (Oregon) slinking into town, piqued about being ignored
by the mighty BCS. (Last year, it was Cal). The opponent will be a
lightly-regarded, mid-level Big XII opponent (Oklahoma). Last
year, the Big XII slouch part was played by Texas Tech. This year,
like in 2004, the game appears to be a mismatch on paper. And just
like last year's game, it WILL be a mismatch in an unexpected
fashion. No wonder the Pac Ten keeps trying to browbeat the BCS
into taking USC's runner-up. They're tired of seeing their lady-in-
waiting skewered by the fourth or fifth best team in the Big XII
every year. Boomer Sooner lowers the boom on the Ducks from
Eugene. OU by 6.


Friday, December 30, 2005

The Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl
Nashville, TN

Minnesota vs Virginia
Have any of you ever stayed at one of the Gaylord Hotel properties?
I have (in Orlando), and they're magnificent. Everything is done on
the grandest of scales. The hotel in Orlando air-conditions a space
larger than some countries in Europe. Guys, if you want some
serious lovin', take your lady to a Gaylord Hotel. ;) But while
Gaylord properties are solidly five-star, the same cannot be said
for this Music City melee. When the SEC failed to qualify enough
teams for bowls, the ACC stepped in and sent the Virginia Cavaliers,
fresh off being routed (by six touchdowns) by Virginia Tech. And
their Big Ten opponents, the Gophers of Minnesota, are hardly the
stuff of football legend themselves. Something tells me they're
gonna have to pour a lot of whiskey and play a lot of honky-tonk
songs to get the Nashville crowd into a good mood on Friday night.
As for the game itself, look for Minnesota's running attack to force
Virginia into "facing the music" in Nashville. Gophers by 3.


The Vitalis Sun Bowl
El Paso, TX

Northwestern vs UCLA

The only thing old-fashioned about this bowl game is the corporate
sponsor. Vitalis? Damn, my dad (who is now 80 years old) has used
that stuff for most of his adult life. It's pretty slippery stuff,
folks, if you've never given it a try. And speaking of well-
greased, both Northwestern and UCLA have slippery offensive schemes
designed to pour on the points. In fact, a more appropriate barber
product for sponsorship MIGHT be Grecian Formula, because the
respective defensive coordinators are gonna be covered up by gray
hair after this offensive explosion. The "by the book" pick on this
game will suggest that whichever team plays the best DEFENSE will
win. But since both the Bruin and Wildcat defensive squads are as
porous as the Mexican border patrol, the truth is that the winner
will be whoever has the ball last. In a contest that'll feature
more points than California has ballot referenda, let's call it UCLA
by 1.


The Independence Bowl
Shreveport, LA

South Carolina vs Missouri
I've already used the line when writing up the New Orleans
Bowl...but with the approach of Steve Spurrier, I must again ask
rhetorically... haven't the poor people of Louisiana suffered enough
already? With the goading comments the "ol ball coach" made about
LSU getting knocked out of the BCS, Steve's gonna be about as
welcome as a FEMA fart down on the bayou. As for my pick on the
game, let's continue the hurricane analogy. The Mizzou Tigers are,
in my opinion, the "New Orleans levees" of college football, meaning
that they're not meant to stand up against anything major. And
while South Carolina isn't exactly category five on the football
field, Spurrier's offensive mind is still a major storm. Look for
the Carolina Gamecocks to put the peck on the Columbia Tigers Friday
night. USC East by 4.


The Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl
Atlanta, GA

Miami vs LSU
This will be the last PEACH bowl to be ever be played. Apparently,
the executive roosters over at Chik-Fil-A are annoyed that the
national media keeps calling this game the "Peach Bowl" rather than
the "Chik-Fil-A Bowl", and they plan to drop the fruit moniker
starting next year. Well this one last Peach Bowl is aptly named
for 2005, because Miami against LSU is one peach of a game. A lot
of folks have been making stupid comments about "say what you will
about the BCS, they got it all right in 2005". Well, as for the
title game, that's probably a fair statement. But both Miami and
LSU are certainly good enough to be playing in a January game.
Thank goodness for the college football fans of America that they
found each other in the PEACH bowl, instead of hammering two lesser
opponents in separate games. For a while, I'd decided to go with
Miami to win this game, as I knew that LSU QB JaMarcus Russell would
not be playing. But today's newspaper brings word that Hurricane
receiver Ryan Moore has been suspended from this game for "violation
of team rules". (I have it on an inside tip that his transgression
was failing to use the words "Chik-Fil-A" in an interview.) But
regardless of what Ryan did wrong, I have to decide if HIS absence
will be enough to tip the contest back in LSU's direction. On the
surface, it would seem that Miami minus Moore is more dangerous than
LSU minus Russell. BUT in a move that would seem inexplicable to
the average college fan, I see this game in completely defensive
colors. In what I believe will be a vicious defensive struggle,
Hurricane QB Kyle Wright suffer mightily with one of his best
weapons sitting over on the old "Chik-Fil-A" bench. This is going
to be a low-scoring contest. And, the winning points may come from
a nifty kick return, which also might seem to favor Miami and Devin
Hester. But I believe the kickoff hero is gonna be Skyler Green
over on the purple and gold sideline. LSU by 2.


Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Meineke Car Care Bowl
Charlotte, NC

South Florida vs NC State
How appropriate that Chuck Amato and NC State would end up in the
Meineke Car Care Bowl. His Wolfpack offense has been belching smoke
like a '58 Volvo for most of this season. I'm sure a complete tune-
up will be just the thing needed to get NC State back onto cruise
control. As for South Florida, this is their first-ever Division-1
bowl game, so congratulations are in order. But for future
reference, I'd suggest the Bulls angle for something played in a
warmer climate. Charlotte isn't exactly International Falls,
Minnesota. But then again, it ain't Miami Beach either. I think
the weather in the Carolinas will be a bit too cold for USF. Couple
that with a little defensive and offensive heat from NC State and
it's hard to be Bullish on South Florida's chances. Wolfpack by 6.


The AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Memphis, TN

Tulsa vs Fresno State
Boy, today must be something special in the car care industry. The
Meineke Car Care Bowl (formerly just the Meineke Muffler Bowl) is
followed up by the AutoZone Liberty Bowl. You'd get the idea that
college football is something of interest to the grease-monkey
set. ;) As for this contest in Memphis, we have the Bulldogs of
FSU-West traveling east, right into the eye of the Tulsa Golden
Hurricane. Now, I'm told that Tulsa and FSU have some history
during their simultaneous WAC days, and that's supposed to add fuel
to this fire. And while that may matter in Fresno and Tulsa, the
rest of the country is gonna be tempted to find something more
interesting to be doing on New Year's Eve, or so I'd think. Folks,
remember...if you're gonna party, you'll need a designated driver.
And for God's sake, don't let him (or her) watch too much of this
game, unless they're a rabid Bulldog or Hurricane fan. This is the
sort of contest that, for the casual fan, cries out for
alcohol...and lots of it. Fresno State by 2.


The EV1.Net Houston Bowl
Houston, TX

TCU vs Iowa State
OK, I know...I can surf the `net. I can plug in "EV1.Net" on
Google, and the mystery will be revealed. But at this point,
folks...I have no freakin' clue what EV1.Net is. I don't know what
they sell, what they make, who works for them, any of that stuff.
For all I know, they may be the world's leader in the manufacture of
synthetic gorilla estrogen. I do know that they're spending their
money in support of the Houston Bowl, so they must, in theory, be
remotely "in the black", unlike so many dot.com companies.
Continuing this "I dunno about this game or company" shtick, I'll
make my call in a similar manner. I KNOW all about TCU. They're
tough, fast, innovative and surprising, just go and ask Bob Stoopes
and Oklahoma. And if I could just figure out how they LOST to SMU,
I'd call them a lock in the EVwhateverthehell.net Bowl. As for Iowa
State, I can't figure out how they (a) keep ALMOST making it to the
Big XII title game and (b) keep choking away their opportunities TO
play in the Big XII title game. Clearly, Iowa State has problems
closing the deal and closing their season. So, look for TCU to turn
out the ISU lights as we bring 2005 college football to a close on
New Year's Eve. Horny Toads by 7.


OK folks, that's it for 2005. The next and last edition of Prophet
will cover the 2006 Bowl games. HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone. As
for New Year's Eve drinking and driving, I encourage everyone to do
one or the other...but not both. My call would be to stay home and
pop the cork. HAPPY NEW YEAR and welcome to 2006! And if you
come across any menopausal gorillas, please be careful and
considerate. :)

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