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THE PROPHET SPEAKETH
Fool's Paradise for Internet College Football Fans

© P.Chamlis/The Prophet Speaketh, All Rights Reserved

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First of all, let me take a moment to extend my personal sympathies
to the many people whose lives and existence have been affected by
the Hurricane Katrina catastrophe. The scope of damage and
destruction is beyond comprehension, and it seems to keep getting
worse. I used to live in Biloxi a long time ago, and I've always
enjoyed visiting New Orleans. You haven't lived until you've had
champagne breakfast at Brennan's. So, here's hoping that all
members of the Prophet family will offer assistance in some form or
fashion to appropriate and responsible agencies assisting in the
relief efforts.

OK, let's pick some football games, y'all...

Games of September 1 – 5, 2005


Thursday, September 1, 2005
Vanderbilt at Wake Forest
Here's a battle between two traditional conference bottom-feeders.
Over the last ten years or so, the SEC's Commodores and the ACC's
Demon Deacons have both been going nowhere fast. OK, I'll admit
that both teams are still going nowhere fast...but Vanderbilt is
going nowhere FASTER. Wake Forest by 6.

Oregon at Houston
I just heard on the news that they've bused many of the Superdome
Hurricane refugees from New Orleans to Houston. Apparently, they're
going to resettle them at the Astrodome. The venerable H-town
facility is much smaller, but seeing as how it has a roof and air-
conditioning, it's bound to be a plus. But, haven't these poor
people suffered enough? They'll be getting into Houston just in
time to see the Oregon Ducks waddling into town to play UH. And
since the Quacks are the visitors, that means they'll be wearing
those putrid road uniforms. Showing them to those poor folks from
Louisiana just seems so very, very cruel. Oregon by 10.

Central Florida at South Carolina
And so begins the "Steve Spurrier Era" at South Carolina. It comes
at the end of the "Lou Holtz Era". Is there a reason that USC can't
hire a coach who's not a weasel (Lou) or a jackass (Steve)?
Something tells me that we'll see THE only good reason (winning) for
hiring Stevie on Thursday night. Gamecocks by 16.


Temple at Arizona State
The game brings good and bad news for eastern football. The bad
news is that the Owls are traveling 2500 miles to play in a dry and
hot climate, not to mention lining up against a top-twenty foe. The
good news is that the resulting loss won't count against the Big
East ledger, seeing as how the Owls have involuntarily left the
conference. Being an independent means you lose only for
yourself. :) Sun Devils by 14.

Minnesota at Tulsa
I normally would not have made a pick on this dog of a game. But,
it's my first and only opportunity THIS week to go AGAINST
hurricanes in any form or fashion. Call it a sympathy pick for my
brothers in New Orleans, Biloxi and Gulfport. Look for the Gophers
to bury the category zero Golden Hurricane of Tulsa, even though
they play far away from Minneapolis. Minnesota by 14.

Friday, September 2
Indiana at Central Michigan
I'm assuming the Chippewas of Central Michigan are one of the teams
resident on the NCAA's politically insensitive list of team
mascots. What I want to know is what are they (the NCAA nitwits)
gonna do about INDIANa? Do they have the power to rename states?
FWIW, I don't know if the Chippewa tribe supports CMU's use of their
imagery as a mascot. But getting beat at home by the worst team in
the Big Ten isn't the sort of thing to solidify such a
relationship. Indiana by 2.

Saturday, September 3
Miami(OH) at Ohio State
A long time ago, Miami of Ohio was called the "cradle of coaches",
due to the incredible number of successful field bosses who'd
started there. Present Red Hawk coach Shane Montgomery might be a
pretty effective leader, but as for the "cradle" thing, look for him
to be a babe in bloomers up in Columbus. Ohio Stadium has long been
a "MAC conference graveyard". I see no life in Miami's Saturday
trip to Columbus. OSU by 16.

Ball State at Iowa
The Iowa Hawkeyes are the dark horse darlings of the college
football world. There are numerous individuals and magazines
predicting great things in Iowa City. I've seen Iowa rated as high
as third in the country on at least one list. Well, color me
unconvinced, at least for now. It remains to be seen how high the
Hawks will fly in '05. But, let's just say it won't take no top-ten
effort to kick Ball State outta town come Saturday. Iowa by 21.

Rutgers at Illinois
I'm not going to weigh in on whether or not Illinois should be using
the term "Illini" in their mascot name. But to call them the
FIGHTING Illini isn't exactly truth in advertising. There hasn't
been much recent fight in the Champaign Redskins. New Coach Ron
Zook, the ex-Florida Gator commander, will be at last free of Steve
Spurrier's shadow. But losing out of the gate to Rutgers isn't
going to start any tribal celebrations at Illinois. Rutgers by 3.

UAB at Tennessee
A recent sports radio talk show labeled Tennessee's uniforms as "the
ugliest in college football". And while I'm not a huge fan of the
orange habiliments, they're at least going to be a lot prettier than
UAB's after this game. Those white, green and gold road clothes
sported by the visitors are going to be accented with lots of Big
Orange mud and Blazer blood when this one ends. Tennessee by 21.

Boston College at BYU
The Stormin' Mormons kick off 2005 with a new head coach. In search
of another man to restore the glory of LaVelle Edwards to Provo, BYU
has chosen Bronco Mendenhall to guide the Cougars. And even though
this game is played many, many miles from Beantown, look for the
Eagles to ride herd on Bronco and his troops Saturday. BC by 12.

Colorado State at Colorado
I'm really wondering what to expect from Gary Barnette's Colorado
Buffaloes this year. I haven't read any stories about them raping
coeds or kickers, giving drugs to recruits, or even so much as jay-
walking over the summer. I get the feeling that they're just not
trying anymore. But, the sight of their CSU buddies from Fort
Collins might just be enough to make the Buffs violate probation out
on the old gridiron. Returning to a life a crime, Colorado steals a
second-straight win against the cross-state sheep. Buffs by 7.

South Florida at Penn State
Even though this is a home game for Penn State, I really think that
venerable Lion boss Joe Paterno would feel much more at home down at
USF. Within about five miles of the Bulls' Tampa stadium are
numerous communities with a median age of 80+ years. OK, people
keep wondering when Joe Paterno is going to retire, and I have the
answer... NEVER. As long as he's breathing and has not been fired,
he'll keep coaching. And speaking of "fired", losing to USF in
Happy Valley probably wouldn't bring out the firing squad...but then
again, maybe it might...or should. Penn State by 10.

Boise State at Georgia
I bet that back when this game was originally scheduled, the Georgia
AD mentally penciled in "W" on the ledger. Some ten years ago,
playing BSU would have been considered a gimme. Now, having the
Broncos for an opener fits more into the "gimme a break" category
for Dawg Coach Mark Richt. This game will be competitive for way
longer than the Sanford Stadium crowd will enjoy. But in the end,
look for the heat, humidity and home-fan intensity to wear BSU
down. Georgia's Bulldogs go pit-bull in a hard-fought 6 point win.

Wyoming at Florida
New Gator boss Urban Meyer has been successful at every coaching
stop. And, he's done it by being familiar with every aspect of his
program. His system, his nomenclature, his expectations...he knows
them all like the back of his hand. And speaking of familiar, I'll
bet that Urban has a little first-hand knowledge about his opening
round opponent for 2005. The Wyoming Cowboys are a blast from his
very recent Mountain West past. And while he had no issue defeating
Wyoming while at Utah, "Coach" will find the Swamp crowd and the
horrifying Florida heat to be an added plus when he saddles up
against the Cowpokes. Getting the "Post Zook" era off to a good
start, call this one Gators by 20.

Maryland at Navy
When those Naval Midshipmen get a look at rotund Terp Coach Ralph
Friedgen, they may try to scrape him for barnacles. But while they
may mistake Ralphie for a large tugboat, they'll find that the
Terrapin firepower is more than enough to add a crisp chop to the
waters in Annapolis. Look for the coach to drop anchor at the mess
hall, right after he pulls the plug on the Middies at the stadium.
Maryland by 14.

USC at Hawaii
I was wondering why in God's name that Hawaii would want to get
their season off to a catastrophic start by playing the two-time
Trojan champs. But on second thought, it's probably a contract
incentive thing. I'll bet that if I were to call up one of my extra-
snazzy lawyer friends, it wouldn't take 20-20 vision to find some
verbiage in ol' June's agreement with UH concerning "the college
football national champion" appearing at Aloha Stadium. And while
the Warrior brass may have had Hawaii's being the champs in mind for
the financial bonus, perhaps it was written in such a way as to be
ambiguous. For the Trojans and their fans, this one will be
anything but ambiguous. It'll be a crystal clear start towards the
expected three-peat and Rose Bowl appearance come January. But for
the rest of the college football world, it'll be as exciting as
spending an afternoon with an annoying optician. Speaking of
optics, I see a 30 point USC win coming clearly into focus.

Louisiana-Lafayette at Texas
For the kids from Cajun land, this trip to Austin is going to be the
second-worst thing that's happened to them in the last week. And if
some incredible twist of leads to a Longhorn loss, there'll be a
category five hurricane waiting outside Mack Brown's office on
Tuesday morning. But, I see no worries for Mr. "Can't Beat
Oklahoma". La-Lafayette won't even qualify as a speed bump in this
mismatched opener. Horns by 45.

Maine at Nebraska
College football is a terrific sport, and for most of us, it
represents true sporting joy. That's not to say NCAA ball is
without its bad side. There's the steroid controversies,
undisciplined athletes, grading scams, recruiting violations, etc.
And, there's something like THIS. Nebraska against Maine. MAINE.
I've seen cheesy openers before, but this one takes the cake. The
last time anything memorable was associated nationally with "Maine",
it started the Spanish-American War. Well, Billy "Bull Moose"
Callahan and his Cornhuskers will probably annihilate the Bears on
Saturday, but it won't lead to his troops charging up the polls
anytime soon. Nebraska by 48.

Texas A&M at Clemson
For some reason, not entirely apparent to me, Texas A&M is highly-
regarded going into this season. One of the talking heads on ESPN
picked them to win the Big XII South. (which is exhibit A in the
argument for drug testing sportscasters, if you ask me...) It's not
that the Aggies are a bad team, not at all. It's just that they're
not quite the juggernaut the media seems to believe. Reggie McNeal
is a slippery QB and will cause all sorts of problems for opponents
this year. A&M is going to win their share of games this year,
but... this opener is the wrong game, the wrong opponent and the
wrong location. Death Valley didn't get its nickname by chance, and
the orange-clad hick horde in Clemson will be enough to rattle the
Aggie cage on Saturday evening. In an upset, let's say Clemson by 3.

Notre Dame at Pittsburgh
If history is any indicator of future occurrence, Notre Dame may be
off to a good start in 2005. Coach Charlie Weis helped his former
team, the New England Patriots, defeat Pittsburgh last January, en
route to the Super Bowl. And considering that he beat the STEELERS,
you'd figure the Panthers to be an easier assignment. And, it would
be so if only the visitors' initials were NE instead of ND. Look
for new Pittsburgh coach Dave Wannstedt, formerly of the Miami
Dolphins, to exact some deep-seated AFC East frustrations against
Mr. Weis on Saturday. Panthers by 7.

Georgia Tech at Auburn
Auburn lost quite a few players from last year's undefeated and
unappreciated (national-championship-wise) team. Coach Tommy
Tuberville has admitted that the misfortune of going undefeated at
the same time as Oklahoma and USC stung quite a bit, since his
Tigers ended up the odd cat out. Considering that THIS year's
Auburn squad has a huge target on their backs that not many of the
present players actually had a hand in earning, I would have been
VERY tempted to pick this game as an upset IF it were being played
in Atlanta. However, Auburn's first loss in a long time isn't going
to happen in front of the home crowd this early in September. In
what could be a very entertaining game, let's go with Auburn by 5.


Sunday, September 4
West Virginia at Syracuse
Now that every team of consequence has left the Big East, West
Virginia and Syracuse figured this contest would determine who'd be
the next big-bad-team in the conference. Don't you know they just
did cartwheels upon learning that the next great team in the Big
East was going to be conference newbie Louisville? In this early-
season battle for second place, let's call it West Virginia by 2.

Virginia Tech at N.C. State
Boy, the ACC is getting things off to a screaming start. We have
VaTech hooking up with NC State on Sunday, and FSU and Miami on
Monday. Nothing like getting a good idea on the conference
championship game participants by the end of Labor Day, huh? In
this contest, we have a battle between two defense-minded head
coaches. Frank Beamer's Hokies have always played a tenacious and
gritty brand of defense. And Wolfpack man Chuck Amato has been
known to coach a decent linebacker or two. Conversely, neither
coach is really associated with innovative or explosive offense.
Sure, Chuck and State have had their moments, but things were so
much better with someone named Phil Rivers playing QB. As for
VaTech, their offensive greatness came during a time when Mike Vick
took snaps. So, basically, this game will be probably be decided by
whichever team plays enough "O" to scratch out a win. Considering
that Tech will be piloted by Mike Vick's little bro Marcus, I'd say
that the scales are tipped a bit in their direction. But, speaking
of "scales", Marcus HAS had his share of scrapes with the law,
usually having something to do with puffin' a little weed. So,
maybe the NC State campus police could consider doing a little
surprise locker search in the visitors' clubhouse prior to
kickoff. And, if that doesn't pan out, perhaps Coach Chuck should
look into recruiting Phil Rivers' little brother. ;) Virginia
Tech by 7.

Monday, September 5
Miami at Florida State
Both teams have so many new faces. Miami will definitely have a new
starting quarterback, as will FSU. There are new linemen, defensive
backs and even kicking specialists. Nobody can be certain how the
first-timers will fare in this rivalry, one of college football's
most intense. However, as you'd expect, veteran leadership will
ultimately decide who starts 2005 with a win in Tallahassee. FSU
has a solid defense, and I don't see Miami scoring more than about
16 points against them. Unfortunately, that's possibly 13 more than
I think genius coordinator Jeff Bowden can coax out of his green
offense. PLEASE PLEASE, someone make me eat my words. It would be
my pleasure. Giving FSU a few points for the home support, let's
say Miami by 10.


OK folks, that's it for week one. BTW, please get your votes for
the "Prophet's Man of the Year" competition in soon.
(prophetfootball@...) And, if you don't know what this is
all about, find a copy of the Birthday Greeting and check it out.
One note regarding my early feedback on that competition... it's
scaring me how many of you folks out there feel sorry for the guy
and his dog. Jeez.