< < ============================================ > >

THE PROPHET SPEAKETH
Fool's Paradise for College Football Fans

Visit Prophet ONLINE at
groups.yahoo.com/group/theprophetspeaks

© 2005 P.Chamlis/The Prophet Speaketh,
All Rights Reserved

< < ============================================ > >


My dear Propheteers...
You have ALL been so very patient with me. Those of you who know me
and remotely care are well aware that my birthdate is in late June.
While I've made a career of being late with the birthday greeting,
I've pushed this year's procrastination to new heights...or perhaps
I should say depths. I suppose I take such license with the
Birthday Greeting to the Masses as it is my last opportunity to put
anything off with regard to this Prophet gig. Once the season
starts, I am slave to the schedule. Tired or not, funny or not,
sober or not, dead or alive... the show must go on. Let's just
assume that I've carried this year's rebellious fling a little
further than usual.

As is my custom, I will first share some of the kind birthday wishes
that I have received from around the world. As is always the case,
I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of affection I receive from the
rich and famous each year as my birthday arrives. I just wish
they'd send presents along with the greetings. I'm retired now, and
one must make a buck where one can. :)

Here's a sampling of this year's good wishes...
(Please note that since I have done a bit of dawdling in writing
this issue, some of the sentiments expressed in these excerpts may
be a bit dated):

========================================================

"Happy Birthday both from the Cape and from Houston, sir. Thanks
for confirming our subscriptions. Reading your wit and humor will
help us endure the long hours in space resulting from this fall's
ambitious launch schedule."

Shuttle Command, NASA


"In case you haven't heard, the divorce settlement awards Prophet to
me. Please send Brad's issues to my email address, listed below. I
don't really care who hits the most homeruns in football games, I
don't even know the teams. But, if there's something HE wants in
this house, I want it more. Oh, and in case you haven't read the
latest issue of National Inquirer, it's all HIS fault."

Jennifer Aniston, scorned woman
ja@...


"Please keep sending your newsletter. I'm back at work, so I can
again afford to pay that guy who reads it to me. Hey, I heard that
you were giving thought to NOT writing Prophet. Don't do it man,
people will miss you. Trust me, I know what I'm saying. And
besides, you'll have to pay back the signing bonus that you got when
you first contracted. And if you're like me, I figure you done
spent all the money."

Ricky Williams
Past and Future NFL running back


"We're looking forward to another great year of your humor and
wisdom. Life isn't worth living without the Prophet."

Peter Jennings and Johnnie Cochran
World News Tonight/The Glove is Too Tight


"Happy Birthday. Would you like a virtual balloon? But seriously,
I'm glad we still can exchange e-mails. Since you've started eating
a healthier diet, I never see you in any of my restaurants. Hey, I
agree with you about that silly "BTK Killer's" nickname. It DOES
sound like one of those grilled sandwiches over at Burger King."

Ronald McDonald
Second-rate clown and burger salesman


"Happy Birthday from California. I've been busy busy busy buying
baby furniture and stuff. In case you haven't heard, I am
pregnant. I'm gonna be a mom! Tee-hee, giggle. Kevin is just SO
excited about being a dad again. He'll be a much better father this
time around. I mean, he's had six months since the birth of his
last kid to mature."

Britney Spears
People Magazine Pop Princess and
General public annoyance


"How's it going in Tallahassee, man? Happy Birthday from beautiful
Columbia, South Carolina. You guys still abusing them native
Americans? Hey, thanks for the welcome back to college football.
I'm looking forward to another year of your crap. You really are
pretty funny for a Semi. BTW, I hope you tune in for this year's
Gator-Gamecock game. I'm gonna whip that kid Meyer like an ugly
stepchild. Oh, one more thing, smartass. It's the South Carolina
GAMEcocks. Not just "the cocks". I refuse to answer questions
like "how are gonna handle the cocks differently than Lou Holtz"?

Stephen Orr Spurrier
Evil Genius and Columbia, SC (Game)Cock Head



And now, the Birthday Greeting's main event for 2005:

The Prophet Speaketh's First and Probably Last Annual
Person of the Year Award Contest

This year's Birthday Greeting focuses on an idea originally put
forth by "The Darwin Awards". These tongue-in-cheek accolades
celebrate idiotic happenings that prove some human beings are just
not meant to live. The idea is that Charles Darwin's theory of
evolution would suggest that REALLY stupid people kill themselves
off at an early, and hopefully pre-reproductive, age, thereby
allowing the more intelligent DNA to continue future human
generations. The best local sports talk host in Tallahassee, my
friend Jeff Cameron, calls this phenomenon "thinning the herd".
Don't get a big head Jeff, you are actually the ONLY sports talk
host in town. The other so-called hosts are too busy hawking weight-
loss plans and trying to lend money.

Anyway, what I've done this year is to compile my own list of grade-
A idiots. My slate is totally original an and independent of "The
Darwins". I've only used the concept as inspiration for a reader
contest, as you'll read below. One big difference between my list
and the one contained in this year's "Darwins" is that not all of my
subjects are dead. One of them did, in fact, "off" himself. But,
the others are, as I write this, still inexplicably alive. I am
going to describe to you each of these human wonders. I will then
let YOU readers tell me which idiot deserves to top the list. Who
will win the Prophet's coveted first and probably last annual Person
of the Year? Look this over and tell me who's at the bottom of the
evolutionary bucket, so to speak. One note, you'll notice that I've
gone politically correct and have deemed the award as the PERSON of
the year. But in a sad statement on the future of humanity, all
five finalists are men. Come to think of it, when I look at lists
of this ilk, the parties described seem to be predominantly male.
Is it possible that 91% of the criminally stupid persons in this
world are X-Ys? Try not to think about it, guys...


Candidate Number One
"Not quite up and over Down Under."

Many of you know that I visited Australia this summer. And, as a
quick note, I highly recommend traveling Down Under. I've never
been to a friendlier country.

While I was in Oz, I was watching television one evening and heard
this dreadful tease for an upcoming story : "A young man dies at
the Adelaide Zoo, stay tuned. . ."
I thought to myself, My God. Did some poor animal feeder get mauled
by lions? Did a young visitor fall overboard on the jungle cruise,
into the waiting jaws of the crocodiles? How about snakes? Maybe
some high school group visitor was bitten by a King Brown snake.
Imagine my surprise to learn the REAL truth.

As the news story returned, I learned that the deceased had actually
been in the zoo after hours, and was stealing ice cream from a
vending machine. He must have been startled and, fearing the
police, he fled. As he was making his escape, he climbed over one
of those large and pointy iron fences. This moron, whose fingers
were obviously greased with melted rocky road, slipped and impaled
himself on the fence. The security guys found him hanging there the
next morning, which is the very definition of "mate, this is going
to be a bad day" in my book. Let's just sum it up by saying
Charles Darwin might have been looking at tortoises on the Galapagos
when he formulated his theories. But, his premise would absolutely
include the elimination of individuals who impale themselves on a
fence while stealing ice cream.


Candidate Number Two
"Daddy, I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry I'm daddy."
(or)
"And here's to you, MISTER Robinson."

Gary Robinson USED to caddy for LPGA golfer Jackie Gallagher-Smith.
However, their relationship, which has both a personal and
professional side to it, came to an end recently. As it turns out,
Gary fathered a child with and for Ms. Gallagher-Smith, giving
alternate meaning to "pulling out the old putter". Considering that
sweet Jackie also had a husband, this led to considerable anger in
the Smith corner of the Gallagher-Smith household.
Eventually, "mom" was forced to fire her caddy daddy. And
now, "Mister" Robinson is suing his former partner and boss,
claiming that she seduced him in order to get pregnant. He called
himself an "unwitting and unwilling sperm donor". Robinson was
quoted as saying "the likelihood that I'll ever get another job as a
caddy is very, very slim." Maybe so, Gary... but don't give up on
that Viagra or Ciallis commercial. This guy will be a shoo-in to
win the Prophet's Person of the Year award if every guy out there
who WOULDN'T sue a beautiful, athletic and rich woman for seducing
him votes his ticket. Who's your daddy?



Candidate Number Three / Candidat Numéro Trois
"Eating one's words with a light truffle sauce."

How many of you remember that they voted on the 2012 Summer Olympics
site earlier this year? Well, to refresh your memory, they did.
The candidate cities were Madrid, Moscow, London, Paris and New
York. Madrid was eliminated early, perhaps due to a nationwide
shortage of Pez dispensers. New York fell by the wayside when it
appeared that the opening ceremonies would probably be held in a
Greenwich Village coffee house, as the downtown stadium project fell
apart. The committee said "nyet" to Moscow as soon as the free
vodka was gone, which left only London versus Paris. All of the
oddsmakers had Paris as the front runner, THE choice. "Le Choice",
shall we say. The city of light seemed poised to pluck the world's
premier sporting event, returning it to la belle France after some
80 years. Enter French President Jacque Chirac. When asked about
choosing between London and Paris, he sniffed in Gallic fashion,
adding the disdainful comment of "England has the second worst food
in the world after Finland". Not content with slurring one abrasive
line, Blacque Jacque added "The only English contribution to the
culinary world is Mad Cow Disease."

France lost by only four votes. I might note that two of the
committee voters were Finnish. And, I'll bet that some of them also
were beef eaters. And so, with two ill-considered sentences, the
Olympics moved to the land of THE Beefeaters, leaving France holding
le bag. Conservative estimates suggest that the loss will cost
France some five billion Euros in tourist revenue alone. Excellent
Travail, le Président Stupid.


When Chirac is voted out of office in the next election, let's
assume that public relations will not be his future career choice.


Candidate Number Four
"A brown nose goes best with the home uniforms, Phil."

Roger Clemens is well known in the sports world. A sure Hall-of-
Famer, Rocket has pitched effectively in the big leagues for well
over twenty years, including stops in Boston, New York, Toronto and
Houston. A native Texan, Roger is spending the twilight of his
career racking up wins for the Astros. Recently, in the baseball
amateur draft, Roger's son Koby was selected by the Astros.

For those of you more familiar with the football and basketball
talent drafts, the baseball affair is totally different. It
consists of about 500 rounds and the late rounds of full
of "courtesy" picks and such. I'm sure there are some teams in need
of infielders out searching the black market for Dominican stem
cells. In short, while ::I:: personally would never have the talent
to be drafted into professional baseball, it's also true that being
so selected is NO indication of any impending visit to the major
leagues. Anyway, like I say...

Koby Clements, son of Roger, was drafted by the Astros. What did
Houston manager Garner have to say about young Koby? Phil was
quoted as gushing "this signing has nothing to do with Roger Clemens
being a member of this organization. I've been watching Koby for
the last couple of years out here, and he's been hitting it off the
walls in left field. I see a lot of players coming out of high
school and college and Koby can stand with any of them right now.
We may see him here in the big leagues in not too long a time."

OK, reality check. Koby was drafted in the 8th round. He was the
254th pick. While not belittling the young man's talent, it appears
that 253 other players showed more promise and went earlier. I wish
Koby the best, but I think Phil Garner deserves some Man of the Year
consideration for laying it on a little thick. Methinks he was b-
nosing Koby's old man just a little bitty bit. Then again, maybe he
was just plain scared. Roger has been known to have a bit of a
temper. Maybe YOUR fear of Roger Clemens' wrath will make Phil
Garner YOUR choice for Prophet's Man of the Year.


Candidate Number Five
"Man's best friend unleashed."

And you people thought all that we Tallahassee residents had to
worry about involved whether or not we could still call ourselves
the Florida State Seminoles...

It seems that local Tallahassee prosecutors are in a doggone bind.
A crime has obviously been committed, but the exact statutory
offense is not clear. It's said that justice is blind, but in THIS
case, injustice is also blind as the local authorities don't know
what to do with Alan Yoder, a 29-year old resident of Florida's
capital city. How should they charge Yoder, who incidentally is
blind, for having sex with his Seeing Eye dog? Florida, unlike many
states, has no bestiality law. I personally didn't know that, but
then again, it's never been an issue in my life. So, Yoder was
originally charged with cruelty to animals, but court records show
that the charge was dropped (the dog apparently didn't wish to file
charges) and replaced with a misdemeanor, disorderly conduct. Still
figuring that they'd barked up the wrong tree, the prosecutor's
office made another change, charging the ultimate dog lover
with "breach of the peace, by engaging in sexual activity with a
guide dog". Apparently the dog was a barker.

In case you think this story couldn't be any more bizarre, consider
this one last tidbit... Mr. Yoder's dog was named "Lucky".
Getting Lucky. Sometimes the funniest stuff is true.

So, will Alan Yoder get "lucky" and win Prophet's Man of the Year
competition? Only YOU can decide. If enough of you raise your
paws, Yoder could end up best in show for 2005.


OK folks, it's all in your hands. Let me know your choice for the
first and probably last coveted "Prophet's Person of the Year"
competition. Just like any other official election, you may vote
early and often. However, all voting will end at midnight, EDT on
September 1, 2005. Send all votes in the form of an e-mail to
prophetfootball@...

And now, all we need is some football. Very, very soon, you'll
start receiving your weekly Prophet's picks via email. As I said
last year, time is becoming quite precious to me, so I simply cannot
pick 40-50 games per week. Oh, I could pick them... but I could
never write the comedy. And the laughs are the reason that most of
us are here. There are sure as hell more accurate forecasts out
there.

Each week, you'll find my take on about 20 contests, and I'll try to
cover some of the higher profile matchups. I'll probably ignore
most of the more banal contests, unless of course I think of
something REALLY funny to say about a game between Dartmouth and
Cornell. ;)

Thank you for reading Prophet each week. Please feel free to write
whenever you'd like. I do my best to answer a significant portion
of my emails. Believe it or not, I actually get quite a few. Last
year was nice, too, as you guys completely eliminated the death
threats, except for that one weekend in October.

Enjoy the season ! Prophet