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Living with O.C.E.A.N. Syndrome
Obsessive Compulsive Equine Attachment Neurosis
Syndrome (O.C.E.A.N.S) is
usually found in the female and can manifest itself
anytime from birth to the
golden years. Symptoms may appear any time and may
even go dormant in the late
teens, but the syndrome frequently re-emerges in later
years.
Symptoms vary widely in both number and degree of
severity. Allow me to share
some examples which are most prominent in our home.
The afflicted individual:
1. Can smell moldy hay at ten paces, but can't tell
whether milk has gone bad
until it turns chunky.
2. Finds the occasional "Buck and Toot" session hugely
entertaining, but
severely chastises her husband for similar antics.
3. Will spend hours cleaning and conditioning her
tack, but wants to eat on
paper plates so there are no dishes.
4. Considers equine gaseous excretions a fragrance.
5. Enjoys mucking out four stalls twice a day, but
insists on having a
housekeeper mop the kitchen floor once a week.
6. Will spend an hour combing and trimming an equine
mane, but wears a baseball
cap so she doesn't waste time brushing her own hair.
7. Will dig through manure piles daily looking for
worms, but does not fish.
8. Will not hesitate to administer a rectal exam up to
her shoulder, but finds
cleaning out the Thanksgiving turkey cavity for
dressing quite repulsive.
9. By memory can mix eight different supplements in
the correct proportions, but
can't make macaroni and cheese that isn't soupy.
10. Twice a week will spend an hour scrubbing algae
from the water tanks, but
has a problem cleaning lasagna out of the casserole
dish.
11. Will pick a horse's nose, and call it cleaning,
but becomes verbally violent
when her husband picks his.
12. Can sit through a four-hour session of a ground
work clinic, but unable to
make it through a half-hour episode of Cops.
The spouse of an afflicted victim:
1. Must come to terms with the fact there is no cure,
and only slightly
effective treatments. The syndrome may be genetic or
caused by the inhaling of
manure particles which, I propose, have an adverse
effect on female hormones.
2. Must adjust the family budget to include equine
items - hay, veterinarian
services, farrier services, riding boots and clothes,
supplements, tack, equine
masseuse and acupuncturist - as well as the
(mandatory) equine spiritual guide,
etc. Once you have identified a monthly figure, never
look at it again. Doing so
will cause tightness in your chest, nausea and
occasional diarrhea.
3. Must realize that your spouse has no control over
this affliction. More often
than not, she will deny a problem even exists as
denial is common.
4. Must form a support group. You need to know you're
not alone - and there's no
shame in admitting your wife has a problem. My support
group, for instance,
involves men who truly enjoy Harley Davidson's,
four-day weekends and lots of
scotch. Most times, she is unaware that I am even
gone, until the precise moment
she needs help getting a 50-pound bag of grain out of
the truck.
Now you can better see how O.C.E.A.N.S. affects
countless households in this
country and abroad. It knows no racial, ethnic or
religious boundaries. It is a
syndrome that will be difficult to treat becausethose
most affected are in
denial and therefore, not interested in a cure.
So, I am taking it upon myself to be constantly
diligent in my researchin order
to pass along information to make it easier for
caretakers to cope on a day to
day basis.
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