Hi All

Yip - it has indeed been a long while since anyone posted on here. Well
here is a longggg but mildly amusing account of my teams (GS Metro)
experience of racing in the worst weather we've ever experienced last
weekend. The story of the Tour of the Border - aka The Easter 4 day
stage race in Northumberland

Enjoy! (I hope)



They say `Be careful what you wish for, cos you might just get
it!' Well, after weeks of me telling all the guys in my club (GS
Metro) to stop panicking about fitness, poor results and the like cos it
was "Still winter, man! And it will probably snow before we see the end
of March"

Well our 4 man squad went to the Easter 4 day this weekend, where it
snowed 3 out of 4 days and the conditions were what Ian McGaskill would
class as being `Wintry' - D'oh!!!



STAGE 1 - How to Windtunnel test Deep section wheels in racing
conditions!!!







We decided to ride to the start, barely 8 miles away. And we pottered up
into the teeth of a gale. Chilly, but bright sunshine – lovely.



We left Kirkley cricket club and the wind had picked up, the clouds
loomed overhead and the racing kicked off. Some of us struggled in the
neutralised section – this was NOT a good sign!

The hammer went down as soon as we hit Dykes Neuk. We were strung out in
the left hand gutter right along to Scots Gap, one after another, riders
clipped up the road while we struggled to just hang in.

Onto the 7 mile course, to be repeated 6 times and with about a dozen
riders away it looked to be game over. The 3 Pro team/Sponsored
team/Work-Shirk Squads or whatever you wanna call em, were all
represented. The Rapha Laughers, The Sportscover yella fellas and the
Jelly Babies/Willy Wonka squad. Plus, last time I'd seen my
teammate, Jon Kelly, he was ahead of me, so he must have made the move
too – class!



Behind it shut up shop. … Batten down the hatches would have been
more appropriate, as the weather began to close in. The wind picked up
to Gale force and when we turned left at Rothley Cross roads, you were
having to fight your bike to keep it upright. You went over a humpback
bridge and a gust of wind just broadsided you with the force of two
dozen cannons. At least one rider got blown clean off the road and into
the ditch. After a lap or two of this I'd had enough and attacked
and got up the road with two others. I battered over the windswept
climb, and about 8 guys joined us.

I sat up on the tailwind section for a carton of drink out of my pocket
and the two guys in front eased, possibly cos they thought the bunch
were closing. I refused to come through cos I was necking me drink doon
me throat!

Of course, the chase group disappeared, and I was no longer in it –
taken oot the back by one of the Jelly Willy riders! Grrrr!!!



So that was that. To make things a bit interesting in the bunch, it
started to sleet quite heavy and they cut the race by a lap. On the
return leg back to the finish we were pelted by hailstones for added
effect. Barely able to see, we wound up for the sprint, many many
minutes down…. But – twas OK, cos JK was in the Break!



Millsy had been dropped before Hartburn at 3miles, and I wasn't too
surprised to see his bike there at the strip. Assuming he'd packed.
But, nope – he HAD finished but got TWO laps cut off instead of one.
Jammy get, why didn't I think of that?!

And there was our hero – a shivering block of Ice that looked a bit
like JK, except more blueish in colour.



"Well done" I said – "Were you in the break?" - His
lips appeared to move in the shape of what looked like a laugh, and he
said "No, I got dropped at Hartburn after 3miles" D'oh!



Millsy said that his carbon bars snapped. On inspection you could see
the shear marks either side of the intergrated stem. He was lucky that
they never broke in two. He bought a replacement and some garish looking
bar tape. `Style' means nowt in Dundee , apparently.



Ah well. We have 3 stages to go.



Looking round the cricket club though, I don't see many of the 72
starters returning for a second doing the next day. What a shivering,
spluttering shower of shite, man. Only person that wasn't
complaining was Wayne Randle. Everyone else looked like they'd been
fighting in the Somme ! Bunch of puffs the lot of them.







STAGE 2 - Even the Polar bears threw on a light jacket



Another bright sunny start to the day and Oh how we laughed about
previous days antics.

JK has had enough, being 10 stone wet through, he didn't relish the
prospect of 3 more days like the first



Ben Luckwell is in the strip all kitted up ready to go, except with no
lid on his head and in a thick and bizarrely unexpected west country
accident says :-

"Oi cant foyn moi's helmet can oi? Manager says he seen it in
carrrrrr, but oi thoughts it be left here in the strip didn oi?"

10mins before the off and it starts to snow. Someone shouts after me to
put on some gloves as I chase after the bunch. The mountain course has
been punted and its same course as yesterday - round Cambo and Scots
Gap.



The snow gets heavier and the flag drops, so does the hammer – we
pass a snowman resembling teammate, Russell Bayliss (I recognised him by
the bits of coal for his eyes. They were the same shape as his
Briko's)

Once again we are all cuddling up to our dearest friend - Mr
Lefthand-Gutter. We cautiously descend the 1:7 into Hartburn trying not
to brake on the slippy, slidey snowy bits, whilst avoiding the messy,
mucky, muddy bits!

Up the other side, total white out, cant see a thing. I was in the first
15 or so riders and getting stuck right in. It was brilliant! And then
some pansy's decide to call it a day and cancel the stage. Bunch of
soft tarts, man. I was about ready to spark someone out I was that
pissed off.



The temperature hit freezing point and I had to throw on me gloves
(`Magic' gloves - 99p from Papershops) We got back to the
strip, and scraped the Ice off our helmets. Some folk had it on their
crash hats too…hur hur hur etc!

After we'd shovelled the snow off the car and set for home, we
popped into Ponteland cafι for a cup of tea in there for old times
sake, and Anna the auld Italian wifey who first served me in there 19yrs
ago was still bopping about the joint. To this day I still cant
understand a word she says neither!! Something about `Bloody
mad' was mentioned. Dunno if she was talking to herself or about us
five idiots.



Our hopes of going to the Newcastle United vs Fulham football match were
dashed by `Sorry – we're sold out' so we went to the
Trent Hoose for a couple of pints instead then popped back again after
tea and met Russ, me brother and JK etc.





STAGE 3 - The Ryals – How to climb a vertical wall using a Bicycle
and a Dildo.



After several beers, a few bottles of Leffe and a bottle of wine, I felt
a bit rough the next morning. Tim Allan on the other hand, looked
mega-psyched up. We left and rally drove at excessive speed and zero
caution across to Stamfordham. Much better day. Sunshine, clear skies,
not so windy but with some parts of the course with large banks of snow
either side of the road – class!



I'd instructed Millsy to stay close to the front but within a few
miles it was every man for himself again.

The Jelly Bean soyder drinker got up the road with a couple of guys, and
I tried to jump across with Chris Mather from the Azzurri. As soon as we
got pulled back, Tim shot away.

He got into the break of a dozen guys and was working hard with all the
Raphas and Bristol Ben, Dave Cook etc.

Behind was another call of `Right lads – that's the break
gone, get the tabs oot. Anyone got a light?' Me mate we were
staying with, Damian Smith rode tempo on the front for almost a lap. He
must have been thinking. "I'll teach that Tim Allan not to leave
a big jobbie in my toilet" …..the break doubled its lead



I hadn't felt too good up the brick wall that is the Ryal's
(anyone that has ridden up there knows what I mean!) on the first lap
and had a bad feeling about lap two,

The riders left in the bunch from the sponsored teams got on the front
and simply powered away from us mere mortals who have jobs to go to on
Tuesday. I latched onto the back (of the bunch) and simply faded away!

But as I struggled up the 1:6 bit, there was guys coming backwards –
literally. With some of em, it was like a battle of Gravity vs Gears,
and gravity was winning! Sean Polson from the STD Cyclesport team rode
onto the snow on the verge and had to get off.. One guy from the
Sportspages team actually rode smack into a parked car!

This perked me up, and I got it in the big blade and hammered over the
last part of the climb (1:7) and got back on again.



Tim Allan had brought some drinks with him, all of which tasted like the
water I'd wrang out of my socks on day one. And some of the stuff he
brought was called `Protein Slam' these were 7inch clear
plastic tubes full of red syrupy liquid, and they basically looked like
geet big dildo's!!!

I was fiddling round wi mine before the start, trying to figure out
where to insert the batteries. I wasn't too keen on shoving a 7inch
tube of sugar up me sphincter, but - Hey! If it gets me up the Ryals
faster, then Im ya man!

Tim remarked that you were meant to simply unscrew the top and just
DRINK IT. Far less messy I suppose, especially after havin eaten Tims
special chilli the night before. :-s

Well I downed one with a lap to go, and within milliseconds I was like a
3 yr old after they've had a Fruit Shoot and a tube of Smarties! I
went completely apeshit. I barged to the front and started hammering
away, followed by about 3 attacks off the front.

I successfully clipped off alone on the little clicks before the Ryals
– "I aint getting dropped on no hills, fool" as B.A.
Baracas would say (he wasn't riding the 4 day this year, but I BET
yer, he would have said that if he was) I had a canny lead approaching
the foot of the steep bit, but me being a complete pleb of a rider, they
were on my tail by top.

I big ringed the Prime again and kept it going over the top. Ashy (Colin
Ash) and another guy got over to me, but we were only able to hang on
for 3 miles. Waste of time. I was about 4th in bunch sprint, and Tim was
11th or 12th on the stage and moved into 17th on GC.



No sign of Millsy though. He had got dropped after about 10 miles of lap
one. Probably deliberately in case someone saw his `Red/White/Black
paint splatter bar tape that he had on his blue and black bike. Yuk!!



If the marshals had buggered off, then he could have ended up anywhere
in Northumberland and spent the night huddling together with a herd of
sheep to keep warm, so I set off looking for him. I did 11miles with no
sight nor sound of the youngster, so you can imagine my surprise to see
his bike at the strip on my return. He HAD got lost, but came back
through Matfen on the last lap. Goodness knows how. He must have necked
one of Tim's Dildo Drinks and short circuited his young brain!!





STAGE 4 – Sunshine on a snowy day







And so, we got to the last stage. Put back 30mins to let ice on the
roads melt, it was gonna be another one of THEM days!

Allan was keen to have a go today after spending the previous 3 days
training on his own. The bunch staggered giddily out of Stamfordham and
some southern puff from the Sportbilly team remarked how cold it was. I
retorted with "Cold?? Yer joking aren't yer? This is friggginn
waaarm this, man" Wayne Randle then spotted my lack of gloves and
burst out laughing. He must have STILL been laughing a mile or so
later. In fact laughing so much that he fell off his bike and crashed
out the race.



It started to snow and I attacked right from the gun and Millsy joined
me. We lasted quite well, cos it must have been a good 25m before we got
caught. Sorry, by 25m, I mean METRES, not miles. The bunch busied
themselves into a paceline up the right hand side of the road, with
Allan keen to stay far on the left. I shouted at him to get sheltered
and be quick about it…. I didn't see Allan again.



He says he didn't even finish a lap….



We rode round the Quarry and on the descent to Matfen a soft little move
of about 10 guys, dangled invitingly off the front.

On the long tailwind, straight section after Matfen the bunch just sat
up. So I did what I know best, and attacked. Young Craig Stevenson came
with me.



So it was us two against the break

~ In the Black corner, we have a Rapha Pro, Ben Luckwell and 8 other
riders, In the Red, Yellow and black corner, we have Micky Mallen and an
U23 rider who cant come through. Ding Ding! Round One.

SMACK! Micky is down, he's hit the canvas on the first punch. Fight
Over!



We got close, verrrry close, to getting on, then they must have put the
hammer down, cos they simply disappeared. Two strong lads came over to
us to make a 4 man chase, and it started snowing again. The break had
gained about 16minutes in the space of 10miles or something ridiculous
like that but the four of us, likewise had quite a large lead on the
bunch.

About 9miles of effort came to nowt cos Cooky and two Raphas were trying
to limit their losses by working on the front.

No amount of Dildo Drinks or Extran cartons could save me legs today
and my many efforts reduced me to just hanging in for the next two laps
which were split between dark skies/heavy snow showers, and bright
sunshine! On approaching Stamfordham with a lap to go, Tim remarked
that he was gonna climb off cos he was getting cold (I'd put some
gloves on for a wee bit) and that the racing wasn't hard enough for
him and he'd `Had enough training over the last 4 days'

I thought `Nahhh – he'll just be winding me up' Sure
enough, that was him



Last lap was fast and bloody hard going. Cooky and a few others were
constantly attacking through the snow. No time to get cold, Tim!! I was
just hanging in there. A Jelly Bean attacked through the corner at
Matfen and I got dropped. Some young lad came round me and I got a tow
back to the bunch. I tried to jump away before the finish, but there was
nowt there, me legs just laughed at me! And I staggered over the line at
the back of the bunch.

25th overall I think.



Any fitter for it? Dunno. Glad I rode? Damn right!! We coming back next
year? Try and stop us!



Howay the lads

mm





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