Okay, I know this is crap but its been a stupid idea rattling round
my head for a couple of weeks now. Apologies to all who read it.

GERARD HOULLIER'S TOOLBOX

It's obvious since Gerard Houllier took charge at Liverpool FC that
a significant amount of his time has been spent thinking about and
analysing the pliers in his toolbox. Sometimes the contents of
Gerard's toolbox have been exceptional in allowing jobs to be
completed with skill and flair. Gerard has occasionally commented
that he thought his pliers were magnificent.

However, there has also been frustration as his toolbox has often
seemed to be inadequate to allow operation in an effective manner.
Over the last few months Gerard has complained about injuries to his
pliers, while others have suggested that he has used some of his
collection of pliers incorrectly for jobs that they were not
designed for. Many have argued that he has simply bought unwisely
and he has loaded his toolbox with inferior sets of pliers during
his many visits to the industry suppliers.

It certainly appears that an abundance of jobs have not been
executed to a satisfactory industry standard, but Gerard Houllier
has repeatedly defended his pliers and stood by the choices he has
made. He has told the press on numerous occasions that he has been
proud of his pliers, and when things have gone wrong he has felt
sorry for his pliers.

Reports over the last few days suggest that Gerard Houllier stands
on the brink concerning his role as manager of Liverpool FC. After
examining a reputable internet tool site for recommendations for a
collection of pliers that any self-respecting expert should possess,
I have decided that it is time to open the lid and examine the
contents of Gerard's toolbox. Has Houllier got the correct
collection of pliers? This is what I found.



LONG NOSE PLIERS:

While Houllier currently has a shortage of this type of tool at the
moment, he has relied on a trusty older version in Phil Thompson.
Although Thompson cannot be accurately called a long nose plier, he
is certainly a long nose ex plier.

SLIP JOINT PLIERS:

With long term successive injuries to his shoulder and his wrist,
Chris Kirkland is an excellent example of this type of plier.

DIAGONAL PLIERS:

There is a distinct lack of diagonal pliers in the Houllier toolbox.
With a preference for a midfield that sits deep and with an often
over reliance on the long ball to the strikers Houllier does not
seem to favour the diagonal midfield approach. As a consequence he
finds very limited use for this type of tool.

RIB JOINT PLIERS:

Gerard appears to favour this type of plier more than any other. His
two rigid lines of four in defence and midfield rely heavily on the
rib joint principle. It is this philosophy that has left the
Houllier toolbox short of the previously mentioned diagonal pliers.


WATER PUMP PLIERS:

It is essential to use this type of plier to ensure that your water
pumps are operating to maximum capacity. With a tendency towards
gushing leaks in the middle of defence, it is absolutely critical
that water pump pliers are employed to play next to Igor Biscan
whenever he is included in the centre of the back four.

SPECIAL PURPOSE PLIERS:

Upon first examination it appeared that this type of plier was
missing from the Gerard Houllier toolbox. He had mistakenly tried
one or two different types of pliers to fulfil the special purpose
role of penalty taker but the job was never carried out effectively.
However, after much rummaging around at the bottom of the toolbox he
has found Danny Murphy to be adequate for the fulfilment of this
role.

LINE MANS PLIERS:

This particular plier is often a popular choice with the masses but
is seldom preferred by the manager. Milan Baros would be a good
example of this type of tool as he spends most of his time sitting
on the line while many cant understand why he isn't given a more
substantial role.

NEEDLE NOSE PLIERS:

There are a couple of examples of this type of plier currently in
the toolbox. El Hadji Diouf got the needle and spat in a Celtic
supporters face. Steven Gerrard has occasionally been known to allow
the red mist to descend when he has got the needle but with maturity
he appears to be more able to control it. The vast majority of
Liverpool supporters seem to favour discarding one of these needle
nose pliers while the other is seen as essential to any future
success the club may achieve.



I hope this investigative report has been of value in assessing some
of Houllier's collection of pliers , but lets not forget that
football isn't just about the pliers. Where would the pliers be if
it wasn't for the loyal fans that go to support the team week in and
week out?

On the 30th April 1994 the Kop stood for the last time at Anfield.
You can relive the day that was the end of an era for the standing
Kop with `Sing When We're Standing', an audio cd of the Kop in full
voice recorded during that final home match in 1994. For more
details about this unique cd please visit www.kopcd.co.uk