· you tell a family of five in a crowded mall to "hold their line"

· Your wife says "if you buy another bike I'm going to leave you" and you
think "I guess I'm going to miss her."

· you rub chamois cream in your underwear.

· you have more water bottles than you have drinking glasses

· you have more cycling jerseys than work shirts

· virtually the only time you ride in a car is to get to cycling events.

· your cycling jersey IS your work shirt.

· your first inclination upon hearing the number 26x24x35, is that it's a
funky new triple chain
ring setup offered by Shimano, instead of the measurements of the hottest
Playmate of the Month.

· you're legs are smoother than your wife's.

· the nicest pair of shoes you own have cleats in the soles.

· you spend pre-dawn hours cutting off the right side mirrors of pick up
trucks.

· you have defined the 8 stages of road kill decomposition through daily
observation.

· you are walking along a street and you signal left!

· you go to your local store on a bike.

· you sulk when in cars, on hot days.

· you sulk when in cars, on cold, windy, snowy days.

· you get withdrawal symptoms if off the bike for more than a day.

· when anybody mentions a distance you immediately think how long it would
take to cycle it.

· you point at pot holes - but you are driving in your car alone.

· while driving your car you yell at your passenger, "car back" as a vehicle
approaches from behind.

· when your bike is worth more than your car.

· your hands have a strange tan that looks remarkably similar to the pattern
on your cycling gloves.

· weather forecasts can be broken down into two categories - good biking
weather - better biking weather.

· you're driving a car, come to a stop sign or light, and find yourself
reaching down for your water bottle.

· you're on a first name basis with the local bike shop owner.

· you put your bicycle in your car, and the value of the total package
increases by a factor of 4 (or better).

· you find out you are going to have a child and the first thing you think
about is how you will schedule your rides to avoid divorce and still be a
father/mother.

· every meal is mentally logged as "good fuel" or "bad fuel".

· you plan your vacations around your favorite rides

· you can't seem to get to work before 8:30 AM, even for important meetings
but you don't have any problems at all meeting your buddies at 5:30 AM for a
hammer fest.

· your 5 year old bicycle gets far better treatment than your new $25,000
car.

· you spend 2X the money on cycling wear that you do work clothes.

· 75% of your tool chest contents are from Park or Campagnolo.

· you can tell your wife with a straight face that it's too hot to mow the
lawn and then bike off for a century.

· you "forget" to bring your lunch to work so you can go to the restaurant
that's across the street from the bike shop.

· you hope that your first baby will be born late, so you can make it to the
bike tour & swap meet that's scheduled on the arrival date

· you dream of winning the lottery, and the first thing you think of is "how
many/which bikes can that money buy?"

· you go out to a movie with your biking friends, and all that you can talk
about after is biking stuff.

· you grab for the magazine at the newsstand with the title "Classic Bikes"
and realize it's those motorized things.

· you buy a car based on whether or not a bike will fit in the trunk/back,
with the rear seat folded down

· you drill out titanium parts to make them lighter.

· you risk loosing your job by stopping at a bike shop to look around
instead of making your deliveries.

· you risk life and limb in a traffic accident to check out a bike going the
opposite direction.

· you don't watch 'Baywatch' because the babes don't have good quads.

· you open your car window and yell out "On your left!" while passing on the
freeway.

· you have not one, not two, but three permanent chain ring scars on your
right calf.

· your New Years resolution is to put more miles on your bike than on your
car. ....and you do it.

· you work late to avoid rush hour. When you get to work at 7:00AM to avoid
rush hour.

· your cadence is _exactly_ 90, but you have no idea what your speed is.

· you hear someone’s had a crash and your first question is "How's the
bike?"

· your car gets broken into and your hard drive crashes in the same month
and by far your biggest concern is why the bottom bracket on your road bike
is making a clicking noise.

· you have to drive your car, you lean over the steering wheel, just like an
aerobar, to avoid the wind drag.

· you're driving a car, and you come to a downhill followed by an uphill,
and you feel the need to push a bit harder going down so that the uphill
will be easier.

· you're driving a car, come to a stop sign or light, and find yourself
making that funny heel motion to get out of your clipless pedals in time for
the stop

· you crash.... and insist on getting the bike to the shop to be checked out
BEFORE you get yourself to the hospital to be checked out.

· your Windows wallpaper/screensaver is the latest TDF map.

· you get a Presta adapter that fits the Helium tank at your local balloon
shop.

· you drill out your water bottle to save weight.

· you shave off your eyebrows to save weight.

· everyone else on the company spa/resort retreat goes shopping in fine
shops for cloths and antiques, but you (of course) are only interested in
the local bike shop.

· everyone else on this same retreat is busily getting spa treatments,
playing tennis and being pampered, while you're persuading buddies to find
the local bike rental spot.

· you actually consider your bikes "decorative furnishings" in the living
room of your brand new apartment.

· you "choose" the location of the brand new apartment solely because the
riding is good and other members of the cycling species are plentiful.

· you own a bike that's mobile and a car that isn't.

· you were out riding your bike when any of your kids were born.

· you get involved in a custody fight over a Cinelli.

· your kid brings a rear derailleur to "Show & Tell."

· you know EXACTLY how to fit 3 bikes into the trunk of your car.

· you have to turn your car (w/bike rack) around because of overhead
clearance restrictions.

· you disassemble, clean and reassemble your bike in your living room.

· you finally break down and get a VCR because ESPN is showing bike racing
while you're at work.

· the mere sight of the words L'Alpe D'Huez makes the muscles in your legs
tight.

· you traded what was your dream car in for something that makes a better
'sag wagon'.

· your resting heart rate is lower than the local speed limit.

· you often discover random geometric patterns on your right calf, and you
affectionately refer to them as 'chain art'!

· you have (whether you admit it or not) your very own copy of the movie
"American Flyers".

· phrases like 'pretzeled wheel' and 'pizza elbow' don't exactly make your
mouth water.

· any mention of nipples makes you wonder where you left your spoke wrench.

· the onset of lactic acid brings a smile to your face.

· your Italian bike sees more of the road than your German car.

· your dog has a name like Pinarello, Vitus, Presta, Etc..

· you are riding in your car with your tandem stoker, call out a bump, and
watch her raise up off of the seat.

· you make time to shave your legs, but forget to shave your face.

· you come home after a wet, cold and muddy ride, and the first thing you
do, with your
damp clothes still on, you clean your bike very carefully.

· the bike shop you go to only charges cost +10% 'cuz you go in there all
the time.

· you don't even have a car (this is the real test).

· you check out all other guys/girls legs to se if they are "better" than
yours.

· your bikes sleep with you in the living or bedroom.

· you wear your heart rate monitor during sex.

· you turn long distance driving into a cycling game.

· you have some wedding photo's with your bikes.

· your wife can't take it anymore and takes up cycling.

· you know all the acronyms related to tube sets, (MAX, el/os), why one is
better than the other, the weights of each and own at least two of them.

· you lean while driving your car around a curve.

· you wonder why a $500 bike has 24 gear ratios, while a $20,000 car or
truck has four.

· you get a little hungry at work and you reach around to your back for
something to snack on.

· you replace your sofa and chairs in your living room with bicycle seats.

· you watch Tour de France on a TV set powered by a dynamo connected to a
stationary bike.

· you photo album have more pictures of your bikes than your family members.

· you collect old bicycle parts instead of stamps and coins.