Yes, my friends. I have purchased the Great American Bash 2004. Was
it a worthwhile purchase, considering much of the IWC considers this
show to be the all-time worst pay-per-view in WWE history? Actually,
I've seen worse PPVs, and this one was a breath of fresh air from
the two awfully dull Raw pay-per-views Bad Blood and Vengeance.
There are good parts of the GAB, but what's bad is very bad.

United States Championship: John Cena (c) vs Booker T vs Rene Dupree
vs Rob Van Dam

This match was actually quite well done, though there are a few
annoying parts. Cole and Tazz make a case to point out that Booker T
takes the time to just stand outside the ring and watch the others
fighting, but when Rob Van Dam does the same thing, it's not really
a big deal. Likewise, Rob Van Dam eliminates himself from a match
yet again, after delivering frog splashes onto both Dupree and
Booker T, John Cena gets the cheap cover on RVD. Not a very good way
to keep Cena over as a face in front of the live crowd, eh? After
that, Booker T gets to pin Dupree, and then Cena and Booker T get a
good little show-down to foreshadow the upcoming best of five
series. Eventually, Cena wins, and the live crowd is still happy.

Match rating: *** Nothing too special, but very entertaining match.
Cena retaining was a good idea, kept the crowd happy. With what was
to follow, they NEEDED to have something to be happy about.

Next, we see Charlie Haas and Ms. Jackie hanging out in the
backstage area, and Haas is all dressed up to wrestle... even though
he wasn't previously announced on the card. It's little things like
this that I wish WWE would pick up on. Either way, Luther Reigns and
Mr. Angle stop by and harass young Haas, and Angle is quite critical
of how far down Haas has gone since being a part of Team Angle. Ooh,
consistent storytelling, this I like. Angle then books Haas against
his new protege, Luther Reigns, and the crowd goes mild.

Next, Sable interviews herself, in a segment that was designed to
torture me.

Charlie Haas vs Luther Reigns

Mr. Angle slaps Luther before the match, to which Luther responds by
smiling. The smile is soon gone and Luther is all business. Good
intensity from Haas starts up the match, as he corners Luther. This
does not last long, as Luther eventually gets the upper-hand and
attempts to dominate. The two men have clashing styles, but manage
to make a decent story out of it as Haas tries to wrestle but Luther
tries to brawl. The crowd comes close to turning on the match (I
think I heard a few fans scream "boring" but no chants) and Mr.
Angle is at ringside giving Luther commands. In the end, Luther does
his own version of a power bomb and Haas is done.

Match Rating: **. Not as bad as others have made this out to be, I
prefer this over the Jericho/Batista match at Vengeance where
Batista made me hate the surf-board stretch. This match also told a
better story and did a good job of making Luther look good without
killing the wrestling credibility of Charlie Haas.

Next, we get an angry JBL promo. He's upset over the out-come of
Judgment Day, and this time he's promising victory and a WWE title
win in his Texas Bull-rope match against the champion, Eddie
Guerrero. Not a bad promo, but not as good as his post-title win
promos.

Cruiserweight Championship: Rey Mysterio (c) vs Chavo Guerrero

After Jacquelyn and Chavo Classic enjoyed reigns as Cruiserweight
Champion, this match was a welcome return to the norm. Mysterio and
Chavo put on a good clinic of how to build up a match here, as they
started things off slow and continued to build to a good finish. Not
too long into the match, Rey is thrown outside the ring and buckles
his knee. From here, Mysterio does a good job of selling the knee
injury, yet being able to perform his high spots in a way that
suggests he can only still pull off these moves out of sheer will
since he's hurt. Rey manages to kick out of an excellent Gory bomb
at one point, that I would have bought as a finish except for
Michael Cole proclaiming that the match would be over. Once Cole
does this, you know it's not. In the end, Rey gets the win, the
crowd is happy once again, and some credibility has been restored to
the Cruiserweight title.

Match Rating: ***3/4. Not quite a four star affair, but a very very
good match-up. Their No Way Out match had more heat, but this was
technically a better worked match, as Mysterio looked good in
victory and Chavo didn't look weak in defeat.

We go back to the hot tub, as now Torrie Wilson is sharing it with
Funaki, Spike, and Billy Kidman. The best part is when Torrie stands
up, all three gawk at her in her bikini, including Kidman, who is
actually married to her and presumably gets to sleep with her on a
regular basis. Funaki states "God Bless America" which is funny, but
then later becomes a catch-phrase of Kenzo Suzuki.

Speaking of which...

Kenzo Suzuki (with Hiroko) vs Billy Gunn

The best part of this match is Michael Cole getting pissed at Tazz
for constantly mispronouncing "Hiroko." Kenzo enters the arena to no
heat whatsoever, while Gunn gets the "Hey, we know who you are!"
pop. The match is absolutely awful, as it is stretched out to seven
or eight minutes or so (their two minute Smackdown match was much
more enjoyable). Gunn goes for an awful looking fame-ass-er, but
Suzuki comes back and gets the victory (with little to no help from
Hiroko, who had played a big role in the first Gunn/Suzuki match by
throwing white powder into Gunn's face). To Suzuki's credit, he does
manage to pick up some heat during the match, but this was still
seven or eight minutes of my life that I will never get back.

Match Rating: DUD. This match wouldn't even be an acceptable house
show match.

Next, we see Paul Heyman with a tied up Paul Bearer. It's funny to
me that WWE thought that Bearer would be a good sympathy character.
Heyman goes on and on about how Undertaker must "do the right thing"
in the Concrete Crypt match against the Dudley Boyz, or he will be
buried in concrete. He won't reveal what the "right thing" is
exactly, but we can only assume it's lay down for the Dudleyz. What
bugs me most about this whole angle is that we are supposed to
believe that Heyman and the Dudleyz kidnapped Paul Bearer on nation
television and have him held prisoner and are going to kill him in
front of a live crowd unless the Undertaker loses a match. This is
asking a bit too much of the audience if you ask me, we can only
stretch our disbelief so far.

Sable vs Torrie Wilson

This match is not even worth me recapping. Sable used to be a half
decent worker, what the hell happened? Torrie Wilson has made no
progress on her in-ring work since she came to WWE, so this was the
usual awful Torrie match.

Match rating: DUD, say no more.

Back to the hot tub, Dawn Marie is interviewing Rene Dupree, who is
still pissed off about not winning the United States Championship.
Dupree does try and hit on Marie, informing her that the French are
known to be great lovers, when the FBI shows up. Nunzio points out
that he wears a size 15 boot and "you know what they say about
people with large feet." It takes Dawn Marie a few seconds to figure
it out, but when she does she delightfully accompanies Nunzio off
screen. Johnny Stamboli then takes the time to point out how small
Dupree's feet are. The FBI crack me up, it just kills me that they
are never pushed.

Hardcore Holly vs Mordecai

Mordecai actually gets a decent little pop from the audience, as you
can see people standing up for his entrance. Hardcore Holly's
reaction is basically "What the hell, you still work here?" It's
kind of funny to me that after this match, WWE deemed Mordecai
unworthy of being on the active roster and sent him back to OVW, yet
he has a better match with Holly than Suzuki had with Gunn. Suzuki
is still on Smackdown, so what the hell? Anyway, this match had a
great finish as Mordecai countered an Alabama Slam into his version
of The Razor's Edge. 'Nuff said, as Mordecai makes a jobber out of
Holly before being demoted.

Match rating: 3/4* If only for not being a DUD.

WWE Championship: Eddie Guerrero vs John Bradshaw Layfield

This is a Texas Bull-rope Match. This means the two superstars must
remain attached to the bull-rope and have to touch either corner of
the ring consecutively without having their momentum halted by their
opponent. This turns out to be a really great match after an awkward
beginning, as JBL and Guerrero get more accostomed to having the
bullrope around their wrist. Lots of great spots, with Guerrero
trying to make it to the fourth corner, but JBL attaching himself to
the opposite ropes. JBL attempts to put Guerrero through the Spanish
Announce table, but fails. This leads to a brawl that recreates the
chair shot from Judgment Day, but this time with JBL on the
receiving end. JBL bleeds, though no where close to the gore-fest
that was Eddie Guerrero at Judgment Day. JBL eventually does manage
to use Eddie's momentum against him and Eddie goes flying on the the
Spanish Announce table. With Eddie in a daze, and the table still
standing, JBL powerbombs Eddie through the table. This would
normally be a good thing, but JBL cannot win the match without Eddie
in the ring. Eddie attaches himself to the ring ropes just as JBL
did earlier, preventing JBL from winning the match. Eddie manages to
mount a come-back, and they find themselves both touching the corner
turnbuckles instead of trying to stop each other's momentum. This
leads to both of them needing to touch the last one, with Eddie
trying to jump over JBL to touch it. It seemingly works and Eddie is
crowned the winner to a HUGE pop! This could have been a glorious
moment in Eddie's career, until Mr. Angle comes back out and
reverses the decision, showing footage of JBL's back hitting the
corner before Eddie's hand. The winner is John Bradshaw Layfield,
your new WWE Champion.

Match Rating: ****. Awesome match, very innovative and both men
worked their asses off. Unlike Judgment Day, I didn't feel like this
was Eddie carrying Bradshaw, but Bradshaw carrying his own weight as
well. I would have given this match a higher rating if it weren't
for the severe bad taste left in everyone's mouths by the decision
reversal at the very end. JBL as champion just pisses everyone off.

Concrete Crypt Match: The Undertaker vs The Dudley Boyz

THIS IS A MAIN EVENT?!? Wow, just wow. The match starts off
horribly, with Paul Heyman interupting everytime Undertaker is
gaining some momentum, threatening to pour more concrete on Paul
Bearer (which he does). Finally, Bubba Ray Dudley gets pissed and
orders Heyman to cut it out and have some faith in the Dudleyz.
Bubba won overness with me for that. After that, the match goes on
solid enough, though it's really no better than your typical
Smackdown match. 'Taker battles off both Dudley Boyz and gets the
pin on D-Von. Heyman gets pissed and goes to pour the rest of the
concrete on Bearer, when lightning strikes the concrete truck. So
Undertaker has saved Paul Bearer then? Nope, Undertaker inexplicably
picks up Heyman's microphone and states "I have no other choice.
Paul, rest in piece!" Undertaker then proceeds to pour the concrete
on Paul Bearer himself, to which the crowd responds with
deafening... silence. So Undertaker turns heel by killing Paul
Bearer? This is quite possibly the worst ending to a pay-per-view
since Austin dropped that car that supposedly had Triple H in it at
Survivor Series 2000. Honestly, I hate this entire storyline, but
after this show it was brought up again once on Smackdown.
Undertaker found some way to justify his actions and turned face
again right away.

Match Rating *. Would have been a fine Smackdown match, but had
absolutely no place being the main event of a Pay-Per-View. The
Concrete Crypt stipulation was terrible and must have looked even
worse to the live crowd, who would then see Bearer rescued from the
crypt the second the cameras stopped rolling.

Final thoughts: The three title matches are all good to excellent,
though it was depressing to see Guerrero's title reign come to an
end at the hands of JBL. However, everything else on this show is
either very mediocre or despicably bad. Gunn vs Suzuki had no
business being on a Pay-Per-View, Reigns vs Haas was thrown on at
the last moment, and Mordecai vs Holly was added because the two of
them got into a random brawl on the previous Smackdown. All in all,
this felt like the first ever Velocity Pay-Per-View (and most of the
cruiserweights are still left out regardless). This show isn't as
bad as Judgment Day 2003, which had even less going for it, but I
would say rent this and watch the three title matches and nothing
else.