WWE Raw
March 19, 2007

I must say, the Papa Roach opening theme actually gets me pumped up
for Raw. Maybe that is because we all had to suffer through four
years of "Across the Nation" but I digress.

Advertised for tonight are two "Wrestlemania Reversal" matches,
pitting John Cena against Chris Benoit and Shawn Michaels against
JBL.

Our hosts for the evening are Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler.

The show immediately starts off with Shawn Michaels coming to the
arena, so we get to find out right away if his match with JBL is
really a bait and switch. JBL's limo arrives in the arena and JBL
steps out in his normal business attire. JBL takes a microphone and
talks about being annoyed at having a match. He says that no one
tells him what he's going to do or when to come out of retirement.
If he comes out of retirement, it'll be in New York City, not
in "freaking Indianapolis!" JBL is a hell of a heel, by the way. JBL
berates HBK for having countless opportunities to take Cena out, and
he hasn't done it yet, and calls him an egotistical prick. JBL
claims that HBK knows that "deep down he cannot beat John Cena." JBL
goes on to pick on HBK for being a "good guy" so that the fans will
like him. JBL claims he would beat HBK's ass if it weren't for his
retirement, because HBK makes him sick. HBK takes the microphone.
HBK has his own point of view. HBK assures victory against Cena at
Wrestlemania. HBK reminds us that no one tells him what to do. HBK
then hits JBL with the sweet chin music while in mid-sentence. I was
expecting a bait and switch, so I'm not angry about it, and this
gave HBK some momentum heading into Wrestlemania, so this worked.

They have a graphic hyping the "Battle of the Billionaires" match at
Wrestlemania, and I have to laugh that McMahon and Trump are in
front of Lashley and Umaga, you know, the actual match participants.

Backstage, Orton gets into Edge's face for "selling him out" on last
week's ECW show. Edge takes a drink and tells Orton to calm down.
Orton talked to Mr. McMahon and got Edge removed from the Money in
the Bank match. Orton says Edge really lost his Money in the Bank
spot over disappointing Mr. McMahon on ECW. The tension breaks
without incident, as Orton leaves Edge to storm around. I really
hope this doesn't lead to Orton turning face.

Chris Masters is in the ring for a Masterlock Challenge. They have a
brief video package showing numerous stars failing the Masterlock
Challenge. Could tonight be the night someone breaks it? Could be,
as the challenger is none other than ECW "World" Champion Bobby
Lashley! Masters goes for the hold, but can't quite get it, so he
slaps the back of Lashley's head instead. Lashley smacks him back
and sits down again. Masters finally applies the Masterlock and
Lashley appears to be fading. Lashley then breaks it cleanly! Well,
there goes what little of Masters' career was left. Playing that
video package before the segment really made it obvious that
Masters' two year streak was over. No complaints here because Chris
Masters is really worthless and it gives Lashley some momentum
heading into his high profile Wrestlemania match.

We get yet another behind the scenes look at Ashley Massaro in
Playboy. I get the feeling this video package will immediately be
followed by a Melina whining session. Ashley's commentary continues
to be worthless with gems like "I was just like, oh my God, I can't
believe…" The photographer likes her tattoos. Fascinating.

Half an hour into the show and there has been no wrestling. Weren't
people picking on TNA for doing this last week? Anyway, Lashley is
backstage and Vince McMahon, Coach, and security are waiting for
him. McMahon applauds and congratulates in an insincere manner.
McMahon tells Lashley that Umaga will beat him at Wrestlemania and
then Trump will be shaved bald. Lashley just smiles and lets
security usher him out. Stone Cold would have never tolerated that
horse crap. Maria makes a cameo and then Eugene walks into Vince,
spilling his drink. I guess this means Eugene is wrestling Khali or
Umaga tonight. Vince tells Eugene to get ready for competition,
tells Coach to get Umaga, and then Ron Simmons walks in and
proclaims "… DAMN!" in response to the stain on Vince's suit. This
was a rather strange segment, to say the least.

J.R. and King take a moment to acknowledge the passing of Arnold
Skaaland. This leads to a video package for the legend.

40 minutes into the show, and we have a battle royal to qualify for
Money in the Bank, which Edge has lost his spot in . Ric Flair,
Johnny Nitro, Carlito, and Edge get their entrances on television.

Money in the Bank Qualifier Battle Royal:
The bell rings and the action is everywhere. Everyone gangs up on
Viscera, you know, because he's fat and hard to eliminate. They
succeed and Viscera is gone at 40 seconds. Edge targets his former
brother-in-law, Val Venis. Edge then rolls out of the ring because
his knee apparently hurts. In the ring, Flair is fighting Super
Crazy, and Kenny Dykstra is battling Venis. I also see Shelton
Benjamin and Charlie Haas in there. Super Crazy is dumped out by
Haas and Benjamin at 3:00 after attempting an off the turnbuckle
headscissors/arm drag on both. We then head to a commercial. Pretty
dull so far, and Edge pulling an injury leads me to believe he's
going to sneak back in at the last minute and pull off a cheap
victory, which makes sense because he fractured his jaw against Rob
Van Dam several weeks back.

The match comes back and there were some eliminations during the
commercial. Nitro eliminated Val Venis, and Charlie Haas was
eliminated by Carlito. Edge is still being attended to by a trainer
over his "injured" knee. Carlito and Kenny battle it out on the top
rope, which isn't very smart in a battle royal. Kenny gets knocked
to the mat, and Benjamin leaps up for a sneaky move, but Flair
pushes him down around 8:10 for an elimination. Kenny and Nitro are
then eliminated almost simultaneously after the nine minute mark,
and its down to just Flair and Carlito. They chop each other around
a bit, and Carlito hits a springboard elbow. Carlito tries to
eliminate Flair, but the crafty veteran hung on to the ropes.
Carlito then tries to headscissor Flair over the ropes, but no luck
there. Flair then back body drops Carlito to the floor, seemingly
winning the match. Edge then runs in and eliminates Flair at 10:56!
Did I call that or what? The crowd is not happy about this turn of
events, but Edge has his spot back, *1/2.
Winner: Edge

Mr. McMahon comes out to the arena, and the stupid barber shop set
is on the stage. I just keep telling myself that I only need to see
that for two more weeks. Vince has his evil security team move the
barber stuff into the ring, as we're going to be treated to a Vince
interview after the commercial break.

WWE Slam of the Week: last week Donald Trump introduced his
photoshop image of what Vince will look like bald, which led to
Trump shoving McMahon over a table. That was brutal.

After the break, Vince has the microphone and introduces his
Wrestlemania representative, Umaga. It is time for Eugene to get
crushed by Umaga! And that barber set is right there by the ring. I
wonder if Eugene gets shaved afterwards?

Umaga (with Armando Alejandro Estrada and Vince McMahon) vs. Eugene
Umaga knocks Eugene off the apron as the bell rings. Umaga
introduces Eugene to the steel steps and tosses him into the ring.
Umaga stomps on poor Eugene for a little bit, as it seems hard to
believe that Eugene was a potential main event character only three
years ago. Umaga pummels Eugene into a corner for the running ass
shot. Umaga then hits the Samoan Spike for the victory at 1:44. You
know, I could just copy and paste Umaga's squash matches and change
the names of his opponent, and no one would ever know the
difference, DUD.
Winner: Umaga

After the match, Umaga sets Eugene into the barber chair. They strap
him in and McMahon pretends that Eugene is Trump. McMahon starts
cutting Eugene's hair off. Eugene needed a haircut anyway. McMahon
then makes some contrived statement about how this symbolizes him
cutting the hair of every fan in the arena. That is pushing it a
bit. Vince follows this up with a "Billionaire Bitch Slap ™." While
this is effective in putting Vince and Umaga over as heels for
Wrestlemania, it really doesn't add to the feud. Are we supposed to
believe that Trump and Lashley are going to be upset that Eugene was
shaved?

After a break, Candice Michelle is in the ring and is trash talking
Melina. Candice puts over her Playboy cover from a year ago, and
calls out Melina. There is real heat between these two, as Candice
has been trash talking her online and on the radio. If they wrestle,
I surely expect Melina will kill her. Melina comes out on the stage
and says that Candice only has a job because she knows how to take
off her clothes. I can't argue with that statement. Melina makes fun
of Candice's Go Daddy ads, which is pretty hilarious. Melina is
breaking Heel Work 101, she shouldn't be pointing out flaws in the
babyface that are true! Oh well. Melina claims that Playboy has
begged her to do a photo shoot, but she turned them down. Candice
makes the cheap joke about "Melina not turning much of anything
down." If Melina won't get naked, then Candice will, and challenge
her to a Bra and Panties match. Melina accepts and I can't wait to
see what Melina botches this week. We head to a commercial.

Bra and Panties match:
Melina vs. Candice Michelle
Melina's Women's title isn't on the line, as Candice didn't want a
shot for whatever reason. The match started during the commercial
break. Candice tries to take Melina's shirt off, but it's blocked.
Candice inventively uses the ropes and her legs to remove Melina's
bottom. This only pisses Melina off, who viciously pulls Candice's
shirt off. Why the hell am I doing play by play for this? Candice
hits a snap mare and goes for the shirt, but Melina blocks with
strikes. Melina applies a head scissors and goes for Candice's
bottom, but Candice rolls into the ropes. The battle a little more
and Melina succeeds in stripping Candice for the win at 2:33
(television time). This was obviously a DUD.
Winner: Melina

After the match, Ashley Massaro comes to the ring and confronts
Melina. Ashley then finishes stripping Melina, who desperately tries
to cover herself. Ashley celebrates, when suddenly The Great Khali
comes into the arena to zero reaction. The distraction allows Melina
to jump Ashley. Khali poses in the ring and gets some boos. Melina
leaves Ashley alone with Khali. Khali lifts Ashley by the neck, and
Jerry Lawler runs in for the save. Khali grabs Lawler and hits the
crappy double chokeslam. I guess Khali was trying to send Kane a
message? Who knows, this whole segment was awful.

After the commercial, there is another promotional video for the
Battle of the Billionaires, as numerous celebrities talk about
wanting to see Trump shaved. It is worth mentioning that Todd
Grisham has taken Lawler's place at the commentator's booth.

Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton
Whoa, it's Druggie McCrackhead vs. Suck Bag! I'll let you guess
which is which. I would have had a field day with this match in
2004. Hell, I'm going to have a field day anyway. J.R. also goes
overboard hyping Skittles again, I got numerous comments for not
acknowledging this in the past. Anyway, they lock up and go through
the usual early match motions. Orton runs into arm drags like an
idiot and gets trapped in an arm lock like the pansy he is. Orton
fights out and hits the inverted back breaker. Orton then goes for
the half-assed Boston Crab that everyone on the boards was picking
on him for last week. Hardy makes it to the ropes and gets up to
trade shots. Orton bounces off the ropes and runs into Hardy's arms.
Mule kick from Hardy gets him a near fall. Hardy hits the Whisper of
the Wind, and it is about this time that Edge runs in and slides a
ladder into the ring. Orton grabs the ladder and disqualifies
himself at 3:34 by hitting Hardy with it. The match was there, ¾*.
Winner by disqualification: Jeff Hardy

After the match, Orton and Edge exchange words, allowing Hardy to
hit the Twist of Fate on Orton. Jeff sets up the ladder and climbs
to the top for a big leg drop onto Orton! This really seemed to hurt
Orton too, hope he's alright. I couldn't think of a better way to
hype up the Money in the Bank match.

After a commercial break, it is time for the theatrical preview to
WWE Films' The Condemned, which stars Steve Austin. It actually
looks pretty good.

Backstage, Vince is on his cell phone, with Coach sitting nearby.
Vince says he is going to drop a bomb on the audience, as next week
Bobby Lashley will take on Vince himself. Coach questions the logic
behind this match. Vince is offended, and promises to beat Bobby
Lashley. I don't see why Vince is so excited, it's not like he can
shave Lashley's head or anything. Maybe he'll glue a wig onto
Lashley instead? I'd like to see that.

Shawn Michaels comes back to the arena to watch the main event.

After the break, the newly bald Eugene is crying.

John Cena vs. Chris Benoit
There are no titles on the line here. Match starts off fast with a
tie up. Benoit corners Cena with chops and knee strikes. Benoit hits
some head butts and aggressively chops Cena out of the ring. Benoit
slams Cena's head into the announce table and tries to hit a German
suplex. Cena countered and almost hit HBK, but stopped himself. Cena
gets tossed into the ring. Benoit hits a snap suplex and gets a near
fall. Benoit hits a couple more chops and a back suplex. Elbow drop
by Benoit and a near fall. HBK is talking about
potentially "snapping" against Cena at any time, as Cena finally
gets a boot to Benoit's face. Cena clubs Benoit and whips him into
the turnbuckle. Cena charges, but Benoit counters. Benoit gets the
sharp shooter! They're in the middle of the ring, leaving Cena to be
trapped in the maneuver for a lengthy period of time. Cena finally
gets to the ropes, and gets to his feet to trade shots. Benoit hits
a trio of German suplexes. Benoit goes top rope and misses a flying
head butt. They get up and Cena hits his shoulder tackles to kick
start his five moves of doom. Cena gets the five knuckle shuffle,
but counters out of the F-U. Benoit goes for the crossface, but Cena
locks in the STFU. Benoit uncharacteristically taps out at 6:05.
2004 called and they want their Cena match back, *3/4.
Winner: John Cena

After the match, Shawn Michaels leaps into the ring and teases a
sweet chin music, but instead says "gotcha." HBK offers a handshake.
Cena accepts the hand shake, but goes for the F-U… but doesn't
follow through, returning the "gotcha" favor. JBL then shows up on
the stage. JBL must have been the guy Vince was talking to on the
phone, because he has an announcement for next week. It is going to
be HBK and Cena against The Undertaker and Batista in a No Way Out
rematch. The Undertaker's music plays as the show goes off the air.

Final Thoughts: Wow, Raw took a nose dive in the quality department
this week. It was mostly an early hard sell for Wrestlemania, and
the build for the matches went along nicely for the most part, but
unfortunately, Raw as it's own show, took a hit. This was the worst
Raw I've seen in a while.

Thumbs down.