Monday Night Raw
October 30th 2005

-The show kicks off with Eric Bischoff and Chris Masters heading to
the ring. Bischoff announces a special Masterlock Challenge
featuring Rey Mysterio! Mysterio comes out with Theodore Long and
decides to battle Masters instead of letting Masters put the
Masterlock on him. This brawl brings out both Raw and Smackdown
superstars. Smackdown gets the upper hand, unloading all the Raw
guys out. I notice Christian is amongst the Smackdown guys (along
with Hardcore Holly, JBL, and Matt Hardy), which is funny since he
quit the company earlier today. This was not a bad opening segment
at all, I actually enjoyed it.

Kurt Angle vs Tajiri

Hey, only 13 minutes into Raw and we're having a match? Triple H and
the McMahons must be taking the night off or something. So, I wonder
who will win this match. It might be Angle. Just guessing though.
They tie up, and Angle lifts up Tajiri for a slam. Angle kicks away
in the early going before Tajiri can even stand up. Angle brings
Tajiri back into a vertical position for a clothesline. Angle goes
for a cover, but to no success. Angle dominates further with a
backbreaker. Tajiri mounts some weak chops before being caught in an
overhead belly to belly suplex from Angle. Angle puts Tajiri in a
leg scissors, and stretches the mouth of Tajiri for good measure.
Tajiri has his shoulders down, but the stupid referee doesn't think
to count. Tajiri, still caught in the leg scissors, hits some chops
on Angle and escapes. Angle puts Tajiri in the corner and stomps a
mud hole. See, if this were a TNA squash match it would have been
over by now so not to waste our time. Angle methodically punches
away at Tajiri, until getting kicked in the head. Tajiri counters a
back suplex and hits a sick kick to Angle's temple. Tajiri goes for
the cover, but Angle somehow kicks out before the count of three.
Tajiri and Angle trade some punches until Tajiri hits a nice
dropkick to the face of Kurt Angle. Tajiri hits some more kicks and
traps Angle into the Tarantula. Angle quickly reverses this into an
ankle lock and Tajiri quickly taps out at 4:03. This was kind of
long for a squash match, but it was nice to see Tajiri get some
token offense in. ½*

Winner: Kurt Angle

-Angle gets on the microphone and talks some trash to John Cena.
Angle doesn't care who the third man is in the triple threat at
Taboo Tuesday, because Angle will walk out the WWE Champion either
way. Angle reminisces about all the times he has beaten John Cena
(recently of course, none of their old Smackdown matches are
mentioned). Angle wants to show some footage of these feats, but
this brings out John Cena, who unloads Angle from the ring. Hey, if
I didn't know any better, I'd say Cena and Angle are feuding!

-After a commercial, we get a video package reliving the Triple
H/Ric Flair feud. This is basically many shots of Flair in his glory
days, with Triple H's lengthy babbling session from a few weeks ago
playing over it. This is probably the fourth Triple H feud in the
past few years based around Triple H feuding with a "former best
friend." When will people realize that Triple H makes for a bad
friend? Apparently not Shawn Michaels, Kevin Nash, Batista, or Ric
Flair. The package is still going on, I suppose it has the potential
to go 20 minutes since it is set to a Triple H promo. The package
finally ends and they still haven't answered my question: is Ric
Flair's Intercontinental Championship on the line at Taboo Tuesday?

-Ric Flair comes out to the arena with a microphone. Flair starts
talking from the stage, which probably means Triple H will blindside
him, bloody him up, and build up their Taboo Tuesday match.
Amazingly that does not happen, as the segment ends and we turn to
promotion for a Stone Cold/Jonathan Coachman encounter, schedule for
later tonight. Also, Shawn Michaels vs John Cena will happen later.
Smell the star ratings.

Rob Conway vs Eugene

We see some footage of Conway beating Koko B. Ware on Heat. I would
have watched that match, but the WWE.com video features don't play
well on my computer. Eugene storms the ring and aggressively fires
away at Conway. Eugene violently rams Conway's head into the
turnbuckles and sends him fleeing the ring. Conway goes for a steel
chair, but Eugene follows up on the attack before Conway can use it.
The action spills back into the ring, where Conway takes the upper
hand. Conway sends Eugene into the ropes and puts him down with an
elbow. Conway slaps the back of Eugene's head, before putting him
back into the corner for some punches. You just gotta love the WWE
move set. Eugene fights back with an elbow, but gets caught in a
bodyslam from the Con Man. Conway goes back to slapping the back of
Eugene's head, which is always useful when it comes to winning
matches. Conway chokes Eugene, which lights a fire in Eugene. Eugene
hulks up and steals Hogan's routine. Eugene goes for a stunner,
Conway reverses, but Eugene gets a Rock Bottom on Conway. Eugene
goes for the cover, but Conway gets a foot on the ropes. Conway goes
to the outside of the ring and grabs the steal chair, this time
hitting Eugene in the head for the DQ loss at about 2:47. ½* Conway
continues the assault with the chair, until Hacksaw Jim Duggan comes
down to the ring for the save. They are soon joined by Kamala and
Jimmy Snuka, as they beat down the young guy. Meanwhile, Jerry
Lawler runs into the ring wearing a Burger King mask and joins the
other "legends" in the beat-down. Conway better go over at Taboo
Tuesday for this.

Winner by disqualification: Eugene

-Backstage, Todd Grisham is with Gregory Helms, who just scowls and
does not say anything because we wouldn't want him to get over. Mick
Foley enters and informs Grisham that he has a "big surprise" in
store for Carlito. I assume this non-wrestling segment is up next.

-On WWE Unlimited, Eric Bischoff announces that at Taboo Tuesday, it
will no longer be a handicap match featuring Rob Conway against
Eugene and a legend. It will now be a tag team match, with Tyson
Tomko working as Conway's partner. Oh boy!

-The WWE Slam of the Week takes a look at Stephanie McMahon kicking
Mick Foley in the junk and setting him up for a beat down from
Carlito.

-After the break, Carlito is in the ring. Carlito puts over his
match against Foley at Taboo Tuesday. The fans will be voting on
which personality Foley will be at Taboo Tuesday, either Cactus
Jack, Mankind, or Dude Love. Suddenly, Dude Love shows up on the
titantron, and asks the fans to consider him for the match.
Suddenly, Dude Love morphs into Cactus Jack, who threatens Carlito
with the possibility of thumb tacks, barbed wire, and pain! Jack
morphs into Mankind who cuts an old fashioned Foley promo. I really
hope Mankind wins the voting, which this segment seems to be
encouraging. Carlito is left standing in the ring, stunned at what
he just witnessed. Coach, from the commentator's booth, gets a
microphone and reminds Carlito that regardless of which personality
Foley uses, he will be wrestling Mick Foley regardless. Coach takes
this opportunity to call out Stone Cold and heads to the ring. This
is setting up what will be the second straight non-wrestling segment.

-For those keeping track, this means the first hour of Raw will have
featured two matches that were about seven minutes together. This
will be important to keep in mind when I do my TNA iMPACT review
within the next couple of days.

-After the break, Coach is still in the ring and he is calling out
Stone Cold. On a side note, since it's Halloween, Coach is dressed
as Stone Cold tonight, which has actually been somewhat amusing.
Coach introduces the man who will be in his corner at Taboo Tuesday,
and it is… GOLDUST! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? This is probably the most
random comeback of recent memory. I guess I am marking out a tad
bit, but this is really weird. This leaves me wondering if this is a
one-shot deal or is Goldust under contract again. Coach now
threatens Austin to come out to the ring, before he and Goldust go
out back to get Austin. We don't get Austin, but Vince McMahon comes
out. I'm still disgusted with him over that colon surgery segment
from last week, so I'll try to forget about that. Vince tells us
that Austin was involved in an accident over the weekend, and will
not be at Taboo Tuesday tomorrow night, or will be at Raw tonight.
Vince speculates that the accident is just a cover because Austin is
scared, and he awards the Taboo Tuesday victory to Coach. Vince
tells Coach that he will still compete at Taboo Tuesday against…
FUNAKI! Who is booking this? Funaki then comes out and heads into
the ring, to take a microphone. Goldust and Coach beat down Funaki,
and I am indeed puzzled. Coach tells Vince he can handle bigger
competition than Funaki. Coach says that if anyone else from the
Smackdown locker room wants him at Taboo Tuesday, he will face him.
This brings out… BATISTA? Good lord, Raw is just full of random
surprises tonight. I am watching a segment of Raw featuring Coach,
Goldust, Funaki, and Batista… I never dreamed I would type that
sentence. Batista makes his way to the ring and takes off his suit
jacket, presumably for a fight. Coach takes a swing at Batista,
which leads to Goldust jumping Batista. This brings out VADER!
Batista is meanwhile destroying Goldust in the ring, hitting his
signature spots. Vader then tackles Batista and I cannot believe I
am witnessing this segment. Vader beats down Batista, and backs up
the ramp with Coach. I am left feeling dumbfounded by what I just
watched. I guess this means that we are getting Batista vs Coach at
Taboo Tuesday.

-I spend the commercial break trying to make sense of that segment
at Da Wrestling Board. I am surprised Mark Henry did not come out
during that mess to challenge Vader for no reason.

-We are treated to some footage of the WWE visiting Australia. The
Australian fans are always so enthusiastic, it is heart-warming. The
WWE stars discuss how "rewarding" it is to perform in front of those
appreciative fans, which I always take as a subtle "fuck you" to
American fans who like to sit there bored during their shows. Not
that I blame American fans, since WWE has really burnt us several
times in the past few years and all.

Triple H vs Viscera

Hey, it's Triple H! And he is here to wrestle instead of talk for
twenty minutes! Or so we are lead to believe, as his match with
Viscera last week never got started due to a Ric Flair run-in. I
guess this is making up for the classic that we were deprived of
last week, let us thank WWE for rewarding us with this sure to be
five star match. Triple H pushes the ropes into the groin of Big Vis
as Viscera tries to enter the ring over the top rope. Triple H
aggressively punches away at Viscera, and sets him up for a pedigree
immediately! Triple H rolls Viscera over for the cover at 0:48! I am
heavily tempted to put this in the negative stars, but I will be
nice and give it a DUD. This was your typical selfish Triple H
performance, as he should not have gone over a 500 lb. man that
easily. After the match, Triple H takes some steel steps and rams
them into Viscera's head.

Winner: Triple H

-Triple H gets on the microphone and cuts another promo on Ric
Flair. Triple H says he does a lot of bad things in his life, but he
is held responsible for his actions… but he will not be held
responsible for what he is going to do to Flair at Taboo Tuesday. He
won't do this because he wants to, but because he has to… because
that's who he is. Triple H did a great job of botching this feud all
by himself. I thought it was going to be a feud he would want to
drag out over several months, but I really cannot see it lasting
past tomorrow night at this point.

-WWE Raw is once again the top rated show on cable television. Coach
and King announce that the official theme song to Taboo Tuesday
is "Twisted Transistor" by Korn. They run down the Taboo Tuesday
card, and World Heavyweight Champion Batista vs Coach (with Goldust
and Vader) has been added officially.

-Backstage, Todd Grisham is standing by with John Cena. Cena reminds
Grisham that it was a Halloween party that got Cena started on
rapping, while dressed as Vanilla Ice. Cena tells Grisham that he is
as much fun as a farting contest, and encourages Grisham to use this
costume party as his big break. They are going for a Kevin Kelly/The
Rock type of chemistry here, and it really isn't working. Cena gets
to business and puts over his match with Shawn Michaels tonight, and
puts over how he does not know if he will be facing Michaels, Big
Show, or Kane at Taboo Tuesday. This turned into a solid promo by
Cena, as he is clearly taking Taboo Tuesday seriously… unlike most
WWE fans.

The Heart Throbs vs Big Show and Kane

This is a Texas Tornado match. Before the match, the Throbs are both
wearing Batman masks. One of them says they were going to be Batman
and Robin, but settled on being Batman and Batman! Hil-Arious! Since
they are pairing Show and Kane up, I guess this means WWE is really
counting on Shawn Michaels winning the voting for Taboo Tuesday. I
just hope Kane's back holds up. Kane and Show toss the Heart Throbs
back into the ring, and proceed to destroy both of them. Kane and
Show take turns doing the same moves on each member of the Heart
Throbs, theoretically to upstage the other one. Big Show puts one of
the Throbs on the top turnbuckle and hits a big suplex! That was
actually pretty cool. Kane follows it up by hitting a big boot on
the other Heart Throb and then going to the top turnbuckle for his
big clothesline. Show and Kane are just toying with Antonio and
Romeo now (whom I won't even try to tell apart from each other).
Show and Kane set each Heart Throb up for simultaneous chokeslams
and they do a double pin for the victory at 2:58. The big suplex by
Big Show raises this to ¼* This was a fitting way to get Kane and
Big Show on television before Taboo Tuesday.

Winners: Kane and Big Show

Well, we have a diva segment and HBK/Cena left. I am guessing that
Cena/HBK will go somewhat short.

-Jerry Lawler is in the ring, and it is time for some sort of diva
segment. Lawler puts over the "Fulfill your fantasy" Diva battle
royal at Taboo Tuesday. Apparently, the divas are having a costume
contest tonight, so this should be tasteless. First, the Diva Search
winner, Ashley, comes out dressed as a dark angel. Next is Maria,
who is dressed as what Lawler describes as a "Victoria's Secret
angel!" Candice Michelle comes out dressed as Catwoman, and she puts
Halle Berry in her place. Next is Alexis Laree… er, I meant Mickie
James. Mickie is dressed as Trish Stratus, even carrying a phony
Women's Championship belt. Wow, they are using a T&A segment to
further an angle, I am impressed. Victoria comes out dressed as a
baseball player, complete with a Chicago White Sox hat. Victoria has
a bat with her, my money says she lays someone out with it before
this is over. Lastly, Trish Stratus comes out dressed as Wonder
Woman. Trish actually makes a good Wonder Woman, I am slightly
impressed. Lawler is having the fans judge the winner of this
costume contest. The crowd pops big for Ashley and Maria as the
opposite angels, but Mickie James interrupts and whines that the
crowd should be chanting for Trish. Victoria steps in and puts
Mickie in her place. Victoria is about to swing the bat at Mickie,
but Trish saves her. This somehow turns into the divas ganging up on
Candice. Trish ends up hitting the Chick Kick on Victoria, and this
segment ended up being decent.

John Cena vs Shawn Michaels

Anyone else think John Cena might actually lose the title at Taboo
Tuesday? For some reason, I have a feeling he will. I will also be
shocked if this match does not end with a disqualification. The bell
rings, and Cena and HBK take a moment to size each other up. They go
nose to nose, and HBK offers a handshake to Cena. They shake hands,
and HBK immediately chops Cena afterwards. They circle each other,
Cena's chest is already red from the chops. Cena wrenches the arm of
HBK, Michaels reverses it and grounds Cena. Some fans are
chanting "You tapped out" at Cena… that is stupid on so many levels.
Cena reverses HBK's reversal, but HBK turns it into a side headlock.
Cena fights out, but HBK is able to lock another headlock on Cena
momentarily. The two competitors rest on the mat, as Cena struggles
to break the headlock. Cena finally sends HBK into the ropes and
hits an armdrag. HBK reverses another armdrag attempt and puts Cena
back into the headlock. Cena fights out of it again, sending HBK
into the ropes, only this time HBK rams Cena to the mat. Cena gains
some offense, sending HBK over the ropes and hitting a big
clothesline. Cena follows up with the back body drop and goes for
the cover. I have the volume down kind of low, but I think I hear
more boos for Cena than usual. Cena remains in control of HBK, going
for a few more cover attempts. HBK escapes to the outside of the
ring, to regain his composure. Cena goes after him, and Michaels
leads him back into the ring. HBK corners Cena and goes into his
chops routine. Cena reverses the Irish Whip attempt and sends HBK
into the turnbuckle hard. HBK bounces back and hits a DDT on Cena.
HBK goes for the cover, but it only gets 2. HBK drops a few elbows
on the neck of John Cena. HBK whips Cena into the corner, and locks
on a sleeper. Cena thrashes about, trying to break the sleeper. Cena
begins to fade, as he falls to his knees, with the sleeper still
locked on. The referee begins to drop Cena's arm to determine if
Cena has lost consciousness or not. Cena predictably fights out on
the third count, and hits a back suplex on HBK. HBK hits a chop on
Cena, and Cena fights back with a punch. Cena hits a big
clothesline, and takes the momentum. Cena goes through his five
moves of doom, complete with "you can't see me!" Five knuckle
shuffle follows, and Cena goes for the F-U. HBK escapes the move,
and hits some more chops. HBK hits an inverted atomic drop on Cena
and follows up with the clotheslines. HBK goes to the top rope and
misses on his flying elbow! Cena moved out of the way, and both men
are down! Kurt Angle runs in and attacks HBK, causing the DQ at
9:23! Hey, I was right about the DQ. **1/4 Angle hits a belly to
belly suplex on HBK, but Cena gets up and attacks Angle. Cena has
Angle in position for the F-U, but gets caught with the Sweet Chin
Music from Shawn Michaels. Michaels takes the WWE title belt and
stands over the fallen Kurt Angle and John Cena. HBK looks at the
belt and drops it on Cena. It is very obvious who WWE wants the fans
to vote for.

Winner by DQ: Shawn Michaels

Final thoughts: This was a step up from the disasters that Raw has
been giving us this month. The wrestling was nothing to write home
about, some of the angles were illogical, but at least none of it
was boring. Of course, after last week's colon surgery segment,
anything would have to be a step in the right direction this week.

Thumb in the middle, leaning down.