Self confidence usually is based on how well or not so well we've
done in previous situations. This end product is how we feel about
ourselves. Our self worth is based upon our previous performance. We
all tend to base our own personal values on how successfully we
perform in different situations and we often require perfect
performance of ourselves. If we don't live up to our perfect
standards, we end up lowering our values of ourselves. We're heavily
influenced by our society which values flawless performance and
places great emphasis on winning and performing perfectly. We often
lose sight of the fact that we can value ourselves in spite of
making mistakes. While it is only natural to care about performing
as well as we can, it is also important to learn to feel good about
ourselves just for who we are, mistakes and all. It's probably good
to get back to the feeling we had as children. As children, we had
self confidence without even questioning it. We were valued for just
being people, for just being in this world. The value that other
people placed on us and that which we placed on ourselves had very
little to do with how well we did or how well we performed. As
adults we often believe we must continually justify our place in the
world, that we have to somehow prove to other people that we are
worthy of their esteem and through their eyes we can, therefore,
prove to ourselves that we are really valuable. Often we spend
excessive amounts of time doing that and we lose sight of the basic
fact that we are usually all right just as we are, in spite of the
fact that we are not perfect.

How can we go about increasing our self confidence, when we find it
decreasing? There are a number of things we can do. One thing that
often helps people who are feeling low, is making a list of the
things that they do like about themselves. By making a list like
this we can sometimes rediscover those very likable qualities about
ourselves that we often take for granted. Another thing we can do
when we are feeling low is to take some time to do something nice
for ourselves, something we find enjoyment in. We can take the time
to treat ourselves with fondness and kindness, as we would a dear
and valued friend.

Another interesting thing is that it is easy to forget that there
are things that we do well. Continued frustration or attempting
things that we have difficulty with can lead to feelings of
clumsiness and inadequacy. It doesn't take long when we experience
these feelings to find our self confidence seems to have decreased.
One thing we might do at this time is to make a list of the things
that we do well and to do one of these things on the list everyday.
It has been shown that although this method of increasing our self
confidence sounds simple, it is often very effective.

One of the things mentioned earlier is very important to watch out
for. When our successful or our good feelings are dependent upon
others approval of us, we are placing all of our value in someone
else's hands. This means our self confidence is totally dependent on
how other people feel or act toward us. This is what children do out
of necessity, because they don't have the inner resources as we do
as adults. But as adults, we can begin to learn how to give
ourselves confident feelings and to maintain them. Being aware of
what a vulnerable thing it is to put our whole self worth into
someone else's hand, might help to avoid this pitfall. Maintaining
our self worth or self confidence might also require reminding
ourselves of the things that we value in ourselves, keeping in mind
those qualities we really appreciate. Sometimes it helps going to a
long and trusted friend or spouse and talking over our feelings of
discouragement. In the process of talking with someone else, we
might begin to recall the valuable things about us or be reminded of
them by our friend.

Finally, another way to rebuild our self confidence is to try doing
and risking things that we've never tried before. It's always a
little bit of a challenge in doing new things and just the act of
accepting these challenges, some little and some big, whether we are
successful or not, often increases our self confidence.

What about people who have already tried these things that were
mentioned and who still have questions or concerns about their self
confidence? Temporary fluctuations in our feelings of self
confidence are fairly common, they happen to most of us. However, if
our self confidence is low for a prolonged period of time or our
mood shifts quite often, it might be very important to seek
professional help. One thing that might be happening is that we
never really developed a good, solid concept of ourselves as we were
growing up and so as result, we don't have a firm, positive concept
of ourselves to build on. A mental health professional can be very
helpful in our establishing a positive self image. There are mental
health agencies in your community you may wish to contact if you
would like to further discuss the area of self confidence.