Oh yeah, a very nice group of bent riders and near normal wedgie riders managed to join Joe Keenan in what is rapidly evolving into a series of epic rides of metric proportions.

But Ok,  this report is not (well, not really) about the ride. It’s more about our interaction between the bikes, the equipment and the life saving cryo therapy used in this ride.

I’ve joined Mr Joe Keenan on this ride a bunch of times but it seems that each time, this ride offers something different.  Yesterday’s ride was unique in its distinctiveness and I think I better explain this …or at least … try to….

I hadn’t seen Joe for a while and I really wanted to ride with him but I’m afraid to admit that the main reason I wanted to see him this time was to checkout his new traveling mule! I know…. I’m a bad person – the kind that remembers your bike or your face but  forgets your name. Years of therapy have failed to correct this behavioral problem though my wife Susan thinks my problem is that I don’t pay attention and that I’m deaf. More likely is that when I do pay attention, I can’t hear a thing so…what is a bent nut to do? 

In spite of my initial intentions, I managed to insult Joe by somehow ignoring his magnificent bike and focusing on the FANTASTIC China Jersey that Joe himself designed (Maybe Joe can post some pics and some of us can buy a few). But once my new China Jersey was appropriately covering my fat body and I had gotten over the normal greeting ritual, Joe gently reminded me to look at his traveling contraption. Joe’s new old bike is really an OLD VRex that has undergone an extreme make over. The frame itself had been cut up in more pieces that I can count with my fingers and magically joined with toothy SS couplers. The old RANS mesh seat was retired and replaced with a more civilized Euro Mesh seat and narrow Bacchetta Aero Twener bars replaced the prehistoric steering T bar that’s commonly seen on most VRex machines. They say that beauty is only skin deep but honestly, who ever said this, was not aware of the many layers of beautiful yellow paint on Joe’s bike. The result of all the surgery is a bike that I consider to be the ULTIMATE traveler. The bike does almost everything well. It handles like a dream, makes the rider look cool, and neatly disintegrates into a suit case!!! What more can a bent nut ask?

Among others showing off their bent wares were Catrike Steve of hot pink low life fame, Ted of teabone aerodynamic sun glasses fame, Joe of course, the infamous Shari (more on her later),  her husband Jeff on a DF torture machine, Nan on another DF torture machine and me, probably the only one with a “normal” bike in the group.

Nan’s bike came complete with a contraption which she willingly shared with Jeff, proving once again that wedgie riders just like to hurt. Nan had a STUN GUN though she did try to convince everyone that it was actually an Electronic Acupuncture Device. Nan touched my arm with her shocking apparatus as she energetically claimed that it was great for curing pain. I didn’t think it could be a pain reliever  but thought it was a good thing to have as we could always use it as a defibrillator. In spite of my doubts about  Nan’s GPS sized contraption, it did allow her to finish 64 miles without one single shot of morphine.  Reportedly, she shocked Jeff a number of times to relieve neck and back pain. Shari's going to have to tell us if this worked for Jeff but I think a recumbent bike would have been more effective in pain prevention.

With only five minutes into the ride I realized that this particular ride would be NOTHING close to normal.  With only 60 miles to go, Ted realizes that he is following Shari and, given her reputation, needs ALL the help he can get to keep up with her. So he suddenly turns around and goes back to the ride start. Upon his retuned he admits to me that he needed aerodynamic advantaged that only his special sunglasses can give me. He goes on to explain how important it is to minimize the air drag of one’s eyelashes. Understandably, he was quite concerned with keeping up with Shari of 30 MPH sprints fame.

The first hour of this ride was pretty uneventful and gave me a chance to chat with Shari and, carefully go over her equipment (I AM talking about the bike, you guys…) in order to see if anything could explain her ability to achieve these virtually supersonic speeds. At first I could NOT figure it out and quite frankly dismissed the 30 mile sprint as another urban legend. I would soon find out I was WRONG. I was following Shari as we climbed the Key Biscayne Bridge from a safe distance but close enough to see just how fast she could go. I was happy to keep her within striking distance on the way up the bridge but didn’t consider that Shari is almost suicidal when it comes to going DOWN the bride. Soon as she started on her way down, her speed increased to a scary level and I, being the CHICKEN I am hit the brakes and didn’t allow myself to go over 25 MPH (Ok, I was influenced by Joe Keenan’s Key Byscaine accident, OK?).  Just before Shari vanishes into the horizon, Ed & Catrike Steve pass me like I’m standing still and then I think even a peloton of torture machines flew by. Just as I thought my ability to confirm if Shari could actually do a 30 mile per hour sprint was doomed, I noticed Catrike Steve’s flag with Shari and Ted just ahead of it. I thought, OK, maybe I can catch them. So I tried. My speed went up gradually….21…..23……..25 MPH and the computer showed 28 MPH as I once again thought I would catch them. I think I maintained 28 MPH for maybe 20 seconds when in HORROR I watched Ted and Shari vanish into the horizon once again. I met them a few minutes later and confirmed that YEP, these guys were CRUISING at 30 MPH.  One thing is for sure, YES, Shari can do 30 miles per hour and I want Ted’s sunglasses. As to Catrike Steve, well, he was there, WITH THEM. How in hell can a human go that fast on a trike? I must be its HOT pink color. As to Shari, I think she managed this by losing 40% of her body mass and reducing her frontal area to that of her two feet. She is so reclined on her anti gravity machine, one wonders if she could see the road ahead but I think that Shari managed to synchronized her eye blinking rhythum with her pedaling motion, much the same way a world war II plane synchronized their machine guns to avoid hitting the propeller.

We rested for a few minutes at La Carreta, just enough to replenish fluids and raise our blood sugar and caffeine levels.

One more loop around Key Byscaine was enough to raise everyone’s body temperature to about 120 degrees. Death would surely follow us but Nan had the presence of mind to put her stun gun away and buy a pack of ice cubes which she proceeded to slip under the back of our T-shirts. It was hard to tell if the screams that followed were of joy or agony.

I have more to tell but WOW this short story is getting long. Why not join us on another metric from hell fun kinda ride so you don’t have to depend on these reports?