Champions on Ice isn't worth $75 to me, but I decided to attend after
picking up an eighth row seat for $30. (Thanks, Adrian!) I totally
forgot about the TV broadcast yesterday, but since I assume most of you
remembered, I'll omit a lot of detail. And if you forgot about the
broadcast like I did, there's a rebroadcast on TNT tomorrow night at 11 p.m.

The show began 15 minutes late and ran 2:20 total, including a 15-minute
intermission.

Here's a quick rundown of the opening:

Brasseur and Eisler: detroiter, fly high and say bye, assisted backflip
Nicole Bobek: 1axel, sit spin, spiral
Rudy Galindo: charlotte spiral, 2axel/2toe combination, flying
camel/back sit/Y/scratch
Lang/Tchernyshev: hydroblade move
Philippe Candeloro: pathetic looking deathdrop, typical audience
harassment, 2axel, Candeloro spin
Sasha Cohen: split jump, catchfoot layback, Y spin. Music was some teen
band version of "I Love Rock and Roll"
Punsalan and Swallow: a lift, I think.
Surya Bonaly: 3toe, butterfly
Michael Weiss: steps into a 3lutz that he fell out of and put his hands down
Kazakova and Dmitriev: sideway star with flip around, throw "air" double
salchow, two flips over his back
Viktor Petrenko: buttefly, 2axel, footwork
Bourne/Kraatz: the crouching kicking move they do at the end of their
free dance (does it have a name?), Shae-crusher
Elvis Stojko: 2axel, split jump, and then an actual split flip with a
sort of wobbly landing (but I was impressed to see a split flip nonetheless)
Michelle Kwan: split falling leaf, flying camel/back sit/Y, change-edge
spiral
Timothy Goebel: pathetic split jump, hydroblade into 3loop, butterfly
Irina Slutskaya: back catchfoot spiral held for a long time, split jump,
flying camel into Biellmann
Evgeny Plushenko: body slides
Sarah Hughes: forward inside spiral, 3loop attempt that she bailed out
of after 2.5 revolutions, flying camel with illusions

Before I describe the individual numbers, I'll mention that Philadelphia
insanely allows flash photography, and I think that may have contributed
to a lot of the jump errors and shaky landings.

Nicole Bobek - Moulin Rouge version of "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend"
1axel, 3toe with a wild free leg, sit spin, 2axel more or less completed
but with a turnout and foot down. FO spiral, BO hand-to-ice spiral,
back catchfoot spiral, puts on a skirt (handed to her by Rudy) for the
Can-Can section, straight-line footwork, split jump, illusion spin,
upright spin where she's kicking her leg out to the music, back scratch.
The program was not as effective as I would have expected from Nicole,
given her natural showgirl tendencies. It was good to see a triple
jump, though.

Lang and Tchernyshev were next with Parisian Walkways, which was very
effective with the crowd, but I found their skating to be as scratchy as
the electric guitar of the music. I could hear it even when they were
at the opposite end of the rink. I guess I never noticed it before, but
the embarrassing move from Lobacheva/Averbukh's 1999-2000 OD is repeated
in this exhibition. (If you don't remember what it is, all the better.)

Philippe Candeloro - Wild Wild West
2axel, flying camel, 2loop with step out, audience harassment, fall on
3lutz, Candeloro hops, backflip, deathdrop, more audience harassment,
backflip. This routine won the most eyerolls from me, though it almost
unbelievably was far from the worst in the show. It's mean to admit,
but I spent the entire routine watching the props and praying that
Philippe would accidentally skate into one of them. I've also decided
that I want to buy up all the front row seats in the arena and give them
to a motorcycle gang. Maybe then I'd find the audience harassment funny.

Punsalan and Swallow skated to "One is the Loneliest Number" between two
violin pieces, and I really have no idea what they were trying to do
with the program, but watching Elizabeth Punsalan's soft knee action and
supple body lines are always a treat. (I briefly fantasized about a
partnership of Punsalan and Tchernyshev.) I never seem to "get" their
concept programs and wish they would do more stuff like their tango or
the "Aria" program they did as pros. Interestingly, they were
introduced as "reigning World Professional Champions," which I guess is
true since there wasn't a competition this year.

Dan Hollander - Cartman/Mrs. Doubtfire
1axel, layback, 3salchow with foot down, 2toe, split jump, butterfly
into scratch, mooning the audience to show off smiley-face underwear,
backflip, split on the ice to end. I can forgive this rehash because
Dan pulls it off so well.

Sasha Cohen - Hernando's Hideway (extended version, I think with a bit
of "Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps" at the beginning)
one-foot footwork into 2axel, flying camel to inside edge, connecting
steps into 3flip, layback, huge gorgeous 3flutz, LFO spiral, Ina Bauer
into 3salchow leaning forward but clean, straight-line footwork, 3toe
with a wild free leg but clean, Russian split, Sasha skid spiral, back
sit into Y spin. With a double axel and four different triple jumps,
this program should keep her in great shape for next season. (I wonder
if she modified the program to compete with Hughes's four triple jumps.)
I hope some of the connecting moves to carry over to her competitive
programs.

Michael Weiss - (badly edited) Rolling Stones medley
butterfly, 3lutz, spread eagle on heels of the blade, handspring, 2flip,
another handspring-type move, 3toe, more gymnastics/breakdancing type
moves with an amusing stumble at the end, backflip. I've just come to
accept that while I love his competitive programs, I'll never warm up to
his exhibitions.

Surya Bonaly - March With Me
LFO "Kerrigan" spiral, 2axel, 3toe, 1axel, near-miss on a back
crossover, 2axel, 3toe, camel spin with a million changeovers, backflip
into back spiral, LBO spiral, butterfly into Y spin, and another
butterfly or backflip (I can't read my writing). I try to give credit
where credit is due, but numbers like this make it all too clear that
Surya just can't skate or interpret music.

Rudy Galindo - Village People medley
2axel, 3toe, 2axel, butterfly into scratch, stripping, 3toe, 2axel,
traveling camel into camel/back sit/Y. Why did we have to see this
program AGAIN, Tom Collins?

Brasseur and Eisler - She Ain't Pretty (in drag)
upside down spinning move, hydrant lift, backflip, reverse BO death
spiral (well... sort of <g>), press lift with reverse entry into a one-leg
airplane spin that I think is new, Isabelle "throws" Lloyd into an axel,
headbanger. Does someone on this tour have a fixation with men
dressing in drag? Is it sooooooo funny that we need to have three (or
three and a half, if you count Rudy) programs featuring men in women's
clothes? This is getting as bad as Sandra Bezic's sex-kitten fixation.

Act Two opened with an unexpected bright note with Johnny Weir, skating
to "Songs from a Secret Garden." 2axel, butterfly into sideways sit
spin, 3salchow out of nowhere, 3lutz, flying camel with the best "fly"
I've ever seen from a non-Ukrainian and a curved free leg, running three
turns into a 2loop (good for him for trying the loop in an exhibition
since he dislikes it), deathdrop, two immaculate split falling leaves,
3toe, LBI Y-spiral, traveling camel into camel/sit/back sit/Y. Soft,
flowing, gorgeous, brilliant... I could go on forever. Maybe he should
consider turning this into a competitive program. His skating was the
palate cleanser I needed after the last four programs of the first act.
My third-favorite program of the night.

Irina Gregorian followed with her hula hoop act to "Put Your Body in
Motion," and I didn't mind the gimmicks because at least she can skate
and included some real skating elements in her program, including a
2toe. I particularly liked the hula hoops on both her arm and free leg
during her spiral.

Bourne and Kraatz - Sadeness
This program was like Gary Beacom gone wrong. It wanted to be
innovative, but it had no direction, and most of the moves with their
hands on the ice were pointless. When I heard people comparing it to
their "Time" and "Return to Innocence" exhibitions, I got my hopes up.
In the end, I was grateful that it wasn't "Mack the Knife," but that's
about the best I can say.

Besedin and Polishuk - Swan Lake
Gee, it is oh so funny to watch men dress like women, put their skates
and/or hands where they don't belong, and put themselves into sexual
positions. Seriously, does anyone think this is funny? The researcher
in me decided that I need to add a weighting scale to my running eyeroll
tally. It's not fair that this lost out to Candeloro because even
though there were fewer eyerolls, some of them lasted up to five times
as long.

Elvis Stojko - That Girl
2axel, 3lutz two-footed and step out, 3toe, audience harassment (where's
that motorcycle gang when you need it?), veggie-chopping footwork,
flying reverse sit, sliding on hands moves that I have to admit were
kind of cool.

Kazakova and Dmitriev - Clubbed to Death
Finally, a program with vision! Flip-around move with her in a
Y-position, she jumps rope with her marionette strings, he lifts her
with the bar at the top of the strings, throw 3toe with hand down, swing
moves, carry lift into FI death spiral into throw axel, neck lift, she
does a catchfoot spiral on his back while he does a spiral, cartwheel
move, throw air double salchow, sideway star lift with flip around,
swings her around on the marionette strings, ending with her lying on
the ice. Even though they're both out of shape and not the skaters they
used to be, they make up for it with such wonderfully innovative
programs. Artur Dmitriev is my personal skategod. My second favorite
program of the night.

Timothy Goebel - Freedom
sit/backsit/upright/crossfoot, spread eagle into Ina Bauer, knee slides,
3flutz with a turnout and then a fall onto his torso, 3flip, surprising
bad fall on 3salchow, circular footwork, hydroblade move, butterfly into
scratch. Even since I last saw Tim live at the Grand Prix Final in
December, I feel there has been considerable improvement in fluidity and
attention to choreography. The jumps were definitely off here, though.

Irina Slutskaya - Cotton Eyed Joe
smooth 3loop from running three turns, hung on to a 3toe, straight-line
footwork, combo spin, catchfoot layback. Somehow I have missed this
program every time it has been on TV, and all I can say is that the
pants alone are worth the price of admission! The program itself was
nothing special and even noticeably unmusical in places, but I give
credit to any female skater who dares to skate to something off a "jock
jam" CD. And I don't think I've ever seen a skater-- or really, anyone--
quite as happy as Slutskaya is after hearing herself introduced as "the
new World Champion."

Viktor Petrenko -- Who Let the Dogs Out?
3toe, 2axel, scratch, audience harassment (waving his big stuffed
puppy), 2axel, butterfly, camel/sit/back sit. The only thing that got
me through this program was once again imagining a motorcycle gang
sitting in the front row.

Michelle Kwan - Fields of Gold
RBO arabesque, 2axel, 3toe, charlotte into RFI hand-to-ice spiral,
flying camel/back sit/Y, split falling leaf, little leaps, 3flutz,
outside spread eagle, 3toe, hydroblade into lunge, camel/layback/back
sit/Y, straight-line footwork, BI-O change edge spiral. Standing
ovation from the generally stingy Philadelphia crowd. Not only was this
my favorite program of the night, but I think it was also the most
perfect skating I have ever seen. Every move was skated with power,
fluidity, and unbelievably exacting precision, even amidst the thousands
of flashbulbs. The landing edges on her jumps were the most perfect
I've ever seen from anyone-- she landed directly on deep back outside
edges without any snow, without any bit of a flat or inside edge, and
with every bit as much speed and flow as she took into the jumps. The
spins were still weak, but who cares when the rest of the skating is so
brilliant? Every edge in this program was pure perfection. I keep
coming back to "why can't she skate like this in competition?" and I
don't have any answers or ideas as to what would be the best path to take.

Evgeny Plushenko - Carmen
3toe with turnout into 3toe with wild landing, 3flip, 2axel, 3lutz,
deathdrop, circular footwork, straight-line footwork, combination spin.
It looked like what it was-- a competitive program with jumps taken out.

Sarah Hughes - I'll Never Say Goodbye
spirals, pirouette in back attitude position, inside spread eagle, 2axel
with a held and extended landing, 3salchow, flying camel to inside edge,
outside camel, circular footwork, 3flutz with one of the best takeoffs
and landings I've seen from her, 3toe, split falling leaf followed by a
variation of it, LFI spiral-three turn-3loop nicely done, layback, back
sit into Y. A fine, solid performance.

Finale - Tribute to America

Punsalan/Swallow: dance lift
Dan Hollander: 3 toe
Nicole Bobek: RFO spiral followed by RFI catchfoot spiral
Irina Gregorian: donut spin
Elvis Stojko: 3toe, flying reverse sit
Lang/Tchernyshev: lift with her on his shoulders
Bourne/Kraatz: neat move where both are in BO death spiral positions
Timothy Goebel: butterfly
Rudy Galindo: split jumps
Michael Weiss: MikePike :-), 3toe
Surya Bonaly: 1foot backflip into spiral, stars into butterfly
Viktor Petrenko: 3toe, deathdrop
Besedin/Polishuk: handstand
Irina Slutskaya: circular footwork into layback
Sasha Cohen: one-foot footwork into 2axel, SashaCurl
Sarah Hughes: split jump into combo spin
Philippe Candeloro: backflip, 2axel
Kazakova/Dmitriev: him in a spread eagle with her in a Y-spiral position
on a nice inside edge, star lift into carry with Dmitriev going to one foot
Brasseur/Eisler: banana lift
Michelle Kwan: 3toe, split falling leaf, stag variation, scratch

All in all, the show is a lot better in person than it looks on paper
because the highs are really high, but I still wouldn't encourage anyone
to pay $75 to see so many old programs, especially in light of the
absence of all of the current pairs and dance Olympic medallists (at
least for this part of the tour). In terms of past Olympic tours, this
one gets a C-, but on a regular COI/SOI scale, it's a solid B.