I am barely able to type from the laughter..That is hilllarious!!!!
steve

JOHN CARMONY <jcar75@...> wrote:
Subject: WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

Subject: workout

WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout
routine.

Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in great shape since playing on my High School football team 25 yrs ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I Called the club
and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and
swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5
minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's
a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient
with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a
little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me
it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't
have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
*&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
vasectomy.

Enjoy fellas and Have a Merry Christmas
Nick

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