A Scotsman was heading out to the pub and turned to his wee wife before leaving...
'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
'Awe John that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'
'Nah, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'
 
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A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening Express and says 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband'
The man at the desk says 'OK, how much money dae ye have?'
The old woman replies ' 5 Pound' to which the man says 'Ye wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok'
So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.
The man reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid'
He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things, saying 'I think we cud allow 3 or 4 more words fer ye money.'
The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again.
The man then reads 'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale'......