Once again THANK YOU! To Major Bation, Doofus White Boy, Hung Like A Peanut, Cunt Cruiter and Reservoir Tip for putting on a great event. The food, jello shots, tippy cup, apple pie shots and the great time hanging out with all in attendance. And a special, special thanks to Major Bation for letting us use her house again.

To ALL you complainers, whiners, rumor starters & rumor mongers who didn’t or wouldn’t come for what ever reason. Phucht Ewe Two!

So here’s my hash trash.

It was a dark and stormy night as we set sail. Heading out of port for the schooner that would be coming over the horizon come two sunrises. She was laden with Molasses headed for Havana, a cargo that would not see its port. Oops, sorry wrong story.

It was a dark and stormy night as I merged onto I-95 northbound out of West Palm Beach. My cargo hold was heavily laden with Jello shots and ice for the long weekend ahead. Being that I was unburdened with the responsibility of employment until Tuesday next I was off to the barren wasteland of Keystone Heights west of what’s now known as Palatka. I arrived early Thursday evening to find several folks already in attendance. Reservoir Tip, Hung Like A Peanut, Cunt Cruiter, Nappy Headed Ho, and Doofus had been busy at the lake house this day. Preparing for the hoards who would descend upon this tranquil place, the lake house at 5828 Silver Sands Rd. was one of the few oasis to be found in this territory. Some of the early chores had been completed and it was nearing time to take rest for supper. To the surprise of all RT had put together a meal for out dinner, with no incident mind you. All was well this evening, Nappy soon departed as did RT. Peanut retired to his tent. Doofus, Myself and Cruiter decided to venture into town to mingle with the locals. As we approached the local watering hole, The White Elephant, compadre Cruiter was a bit uneasy as to his safety and survival. The parking area was filled with 4wd pick-ups and Harleys, his Michigan plates and flip-flop shoes brought apprehension, we took a deep breath(our last of decent breathable air for the duration of our stay) and headed inside. As we scanned the interior we were quick to take ease in our surroundings. First point of business was to get a beverage. Natty Light long necks 2 bucks, pay dirt! Across the room at the pool table we spotted some locals, this sight brought ease to Cruiter amongst the flip-flop clad pool players was a 50ish male, Winston hanging from his joules, sporting a mullet right out of Joe Dirt and barefoot. We had found acceptable sanctuary, with suitable beverages. A couple of beers, back to the lake house for slumber and rest.

We woke Friday morning to begin the final assault on the preparations for the weekends events. Cruiter got busy with the hot tub which would be our Keggerator and ice trough. Doofus soon arrived with the kegs, what do my eyes deceive me, that’s a keg of Yuengling, way to go, I will not be tortured with Bud light for the entire event. Soon after the kegs were unloaded the ice man cometh. After the kegs were iced down it was time to tap. RT stepped up, and tapped the keg. Foam, nothing but foam. Foam, foam, foam. Just the first of hundreds of major malfunctions at the hands of RT. Soon Major Bation soon arrived with Mistress Viagra. She pulled up, exited the vehicle and immediately locked her keys in the car. Luckily Mistress Viagra has AAA. By this time more people were arriving. Porkymon, Fecal Fucker, Hairy Cheese Balls, Shop Teacher and Limp Dick all arrived and were welcomed with a Jello shot. A car then pulled in, the guy got out and started taking stuff out of his trunk. I went over to him and said "Hi I’m Anal Inspector from West Palm, have a Jello shot". He said "Thanks" and went back to getting his tool box and window snake from his trunk. It was the AAA guy. "Doh!!" About this time into camp comes Strips My Wood pulling a huge smoker for cooking Saturdays lunch, Smoked Beer-can chicken. Also with Strips My Wood is Put a Lil’ Mouth On My South, Dead Peter Beater and Virgin Nick. They met Virgin nick at a bar in Jax beach. One thing lead to another and they invited him along for the weekend. Although quite trashed upon arrival as the weekend went by Nick really kicked ass, pitching in to help and rolling with everything like an experienced hasher. Deanna & Donny would later vote him "Best Virgin Ever!". More and more folks were showing up. Mammies and Prick Lay Her, Spoke Her & Face Full, Squat & Swallow, I’m Too Sexy For Sex, Just Puke & Dr Anus, Kiddie & Venomous Cooter from Tampa, etc. The Jello shots were flying about, Super Injection Apple Pie shots were invented and soon it was time for dinner. Burgers on the grill cooked to order, I’ll have med rare please. Hot dogs, corn on the cob, Baked Potatoes with all the fixin’s. There was even sweet relish for the hot dogs. Cruiter and Peanut did a great job getting everything ready. As the sun went down things stated to kick into gear. Dr Doo Doo and Surley Temple got into their cocktail dresses, there was some tippy cup going on, and of course Yucca, Yucca, Yucca. Soon came the Midnight Shooting Star Toga hash. Doofus White Boy looked dead sexy in the corona bikini. More tippy cup and so on and so on and so on.

Saturday morning I awoke to find Surley Temple standing at the kitchen sink with a glazed but familiar look on his face. This was the look of "what the hell did I drink last night?" Down stairs for some breakfast and a little gatorade. So it’s about 8am and there’s Nick the Virgin with Strips My wood they’re getting the grill ready for lunch. Light the coals and filling the chickens. Yes filling the chickens, they had about 30 chickens and a two cases of Natty light. Nick was busy pulling the giblet bags while Strip was putting the beer cans in the chickens and standing them up on the grill. More arrivals and as the morning progressed more haggard faces stumbled towards the coffee area. Bagels & Cream cheese, Cheese & Fruit Danish, Fresh fruit and Bloody Mary’s was todays breakfast fare. RT was busy at the Bloody Mary bar, but surprisingly so she actually made the mix better. Bobber dominated the kiddie pool wrestling until Tie Me Down hosed them off. Finally there was activity over at the grill. Strips & Virgin Nick had the lid open and were getting ready to serve. The beer can chicken was fantastic served with salad and side dishes. The camp became unusually quiet during lunch. Its funny how good food will shut everybody up. Lunch was over and Doofus was now stalking the group threatening "trail starts in 30 minutes". RT came forward and called Virgin Nick to the chalk talk and the presentation of his Virgin Banana. Soon the hares were present and ready for chalk talk. The hares were Doofus White Boy, Dr Anus and Prick Lay Her. Three hares? Yup, three hares. The "pack" made their way forward to check out the choice of marks for what was sure to be a typical Doofus Death March. The pack was, Hairy Cheese Balls, Tie Me Down Dick, Do Her On The Rocks, Just Puke, Shop Teacher, Cunt Cruiter and myself Anal Inspector. 10 minute head start for the hares and we were on-on. The trail left camp across the street and right into the woods. This was about the extent of the pavement for most of the trail. We wound our way through the woods till we came out on a lake. As is typical for most lakes in the area the water level was very low. As we passed around the shoreline to the far side we came across a 4wd jeep stuck in the mud and some folks just staring at the vehicle. We continued on. As we worked a check and finally found on-on again I passed a sign along the way saying "Warning Sherrif’s Department has Posted No Trespassing. Violators will be prosecuted". I don’t know about everybody else but I see one of these signs and I’m going that way. Sure enough on-on. Through more woods and in the distance we see the Beer Truck. Or so we think. No Beer just water & Gatorade. WTF. At this point of the trail Strips My Wood joined the pack, off we went STILL in search of a beer. We trekked on, finally we found the mark of all marks the beloved "BN". The beer check was a familar sight to Cruiter and me, as we had been here on Thursday night. There was the rest of the group waiting for us, we were greeted with boobies and beer. We stayed here for a while, then moved on about a ½ mile down the road to beer check #2 another local watering hole. We caravanned back to camp for circle, many down-downs and accusations were done. The circle retired with Hops on Pops trying to lead us in a Swing Low. Mmmm something was starting to smell good. Dinner was a cookin’. Saturday dinner was a shrimp boil. Shrimp, shrimp and more shrimp, Corn on the Cob, Sausage it was great!! Later that evening we were upstairs playing asshole. Puke, Major, Dr A, Surley Temple, Mamms and several others. I don’t know how or why but somehow Major decided to try and wax Surleys hairy ass with duct tape. After several attempts it was determined that you can’t wax a hairy ass with duct tape. The partying went into the wee hours of the morning. The roving band of assholes went out for a tent shake around 1am, more debauchery, more people falling out of, or tipping out of their chairs. Senior Spitizen led a second and third RbofA’s. And I’m pretty sure somebody was having sex, either that or the racoons in Keystone Heights make very strange noises.

On Sunday morning we found Dead Peter Beater, Hops on Pops and Virgin Nick still going from the night before. Sunday morning brought much of the same as Saturday morning, but on Saturday morning no one had to break camp and pack-up. As the early crashing folks awoke Sunday a plan to seek revenge on the RBofA ring leader was hatched. Senior had set her tent on the lower area down by the lake. The tent shakees of the night before had now become the shakers. Well Senior got her due. Not just a tent shake put a Super-soaker wake up call and a pulling of the tent poles. I have to say here, Senior may have been quite the annoying pain in the ass on Saturday nite. But she took it like a good sport on Sunday morning. Nice to see someone who can dish it out as well as take it. Well as the Sunday revelers began to gain full consciousness, well as full as a hasher can get. The subject of lunch came about. There was a lot of food left over from Saturdays lunch and dinner. Virgin Nick had the idea of going to the store for some rice for the chicken. Great idea. We went and got some fixin’s and lunch was under way. We took the left over leg quarters and cleaned them, steamed the meat warm in the turkey cooker and then added that into a big pot of red beans and rice, Major took the left over baked potatoes, cut them up with cheese, butter and sour cream and warmed that on the grill. The left over bagels were brushed with butter and garlic powder. There was salad and veggies left also. I took the left-over shrimp and steamed them with beer, and made a fresh batch of cocktail sauce. On Sunday afternoon I heard something I’ve never heard at a hash camp-out. "No, that’s OK I’m full. I couldn’t eat another shrimp if I tried". Wow what a week-end of food. I have to say that I have not eaten this well at a hash camp-out since Run-a-muck at Dead Mans Ranch ‘02, when Mothsucker had the field kitchen set-up. As the afternoon passed by a rain storm came in. It was raining quite hard at times. We hung out under the house for a while watching and enjoying the rain. The neighbors Peter & Ann came by for a visit and some lunch. After the rain passed Virgin Nick made one more attempt at the slip-n-slide, did it work? not so much. Princess headed out taking Mistress Viagra to the Airport. As the afternoon went on we said our final goodbyes to Strips My Wood, Dead Peter Beater, Lil Mouth on my South, Returns From the Womb, Limp Dick, and Senior. The sun set on Orgy in The Woods 8 - Eight is Great. Porkymon, Virgin Nick, Major and myself settled down for another round of dinner and we chilled out watching Jackass two. Monday morning: I came out of the room around 8ish to make some tea and there was Virgin Nick up and about still working and cleaning up. I have to say here, Nick was a real trooper, it’s not often you see a virgin keep up with the seasoned hashers, not only did he keep up but he worked his ass off all weekend long. RT had returned at about 7:30, and the five of us finished cleaning up about 11:30. Me, Major, Nick and Porkymon went to Johnny’s BBQ for lunch, by chance coincidence we met one of Majors lake house neighbors, but that’s a story for next year.

So that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it. I claim no voracity to the accuracy of the previous ramblings as most of it is recalled through the hundreds of pics I snapped

On-On

Anal Inspector - Corned Beef H3

Lawnmower Boy - Palatka H3

Donny

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