The bloodmatch championship belt is truly safe in the Mauler's hands,
because none other than Mr. T protecting the belt! Yes it is true.

Mr. T and the Mauler have come to an agreement that when the belt is in
possession of the Mauler, Mr. T will be the official bodyguard for the Belt.
Mauler claims, "Who else can provide such top-notch security for the belt?
Nobody can top Mr. T."

A Squirearchy photographer was granted exclusive permission to photograph
Mr. T in an undisclosed location protecting the belt. View the exclusive
photos at: http://www.geocities.com/artdude75/20011130

Underwater Croquet? Taking croquet to a new extreme!
This is where the next Squirearchy tournament shall take place
http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1490731651

(if this link doesn't work, please copy and paste it into your internet browser)

The Hot Potato

The first Squirearchy tournament ever at Andrea's palace on Saturday,
November 24 was also the first time the bloodmatch belt was in the
possession of THREE people. The bloodmatch belt became a hot potato as it
jumped from the Hammer to the Punisher to the Mauler in one short day.

The Hammer and the Punisher were ready to play a regular bloodmatch, but
then the Mauler demanded that he also play to create a 3rd factor. Last time
there was a 3rd factor match, the Punisher was the 3rd factor as the Mauler
lost the belt to the Hammer. It seems that the Mauler was a bit miffed to
lose his belt in such fashion, so he forced himself into the match to gain
vengeance.

Amazingly, the Mauler's ball throughout the first half of the match always
seemed to be in good position to help the Punisher. Mauler shrugged, "It
just seemed that the Punisher was always benefiting from the location of my
ball. I am not trying to make the Hammer lose the belt, it's just tough
breaks for the Hammer. But it goes to show that the Hammer cannot defend the
belt and give it a true home."

The Hammer was boiling, "the Mauler just wants me to lose this match,
because he lost his belt in a 3rd factor game just two days ago."

The cruising Punisher said, "I don't care who's helping me. I can win on my
own. These two guys stink."

And of course the Punisher went on to cream the Hammer and the Mauler. And
the Punisher had finally won the Bloodmatch belt that he had originally
created. "FINALLY, the belt has come back to the PUNISHER!"

But not for long, as the Mauler challenged the Punisher to a bloodmatch. The
Hammer could not participate in the match due to cooking duties inside the
house.

The Punisher's reign of the belt would prove to be very short as the Mauler
proceeded to annihilate the Punisher throughout the match. The Mauler
exclaimed, "Nobody except for the Mauler has been able to defend the
Bloodmatch belt. All the other players have lost it as soon as they won it.
The belt is not meant to be a hot potato. I will give the belt a constant
and secure home that it truly deserves."

And the Mauler proved his statements to be true as he consistently defeated
the Punisher in deadly quick games of shootout. Each shootout game consisted
of 5 shots for each player to make it through a hoop. The gentleman who
makes the most shots wins and is awarded the belt.

The Mauler won the first game and defended the belt.
The Mauler won the second game and defended the belt.
The Mauler won the third game and defended the belt.
The Mauler won the fourth game and defended the belt.
The Mauler won the fifth game and defended the belt.
The Mauler won the sixth game and defended the belt.
The Mauler won the seventh game and defended the belt.

Mauler said, "Yes, the Bloodmatch Championship Belt truly has a safe home
now." And rumour has it that the Mauler has hired a high-profile for the belt.
Who could it be???

November 24, 2001 summary
Game 1
1 Punisher
2 Mauler

Game 2 (3rd factor bloodmatch for the belt)
1 Punisher
2 Hammer
3 Mauler

Game 3 (bloodmatch for the belt
1 Mauler
2 Punisher

Series of Shootouts
Mauler wins 7 in a row vs. the Punisher

Since the Mauler is the official record-keeper, historian, and tabloidist
(he tends to weigh heaviest in the tabloidist category) of the CCSG, the
Hammer feals obligated to correct the historical records of the CCSG every
time the Mauler publishes a game report.

Game 1. Game weather was pleasant this Thanksgiving day: light jacket or
sweater weather. Punisher and Mauler entered the game court early to
practice. Hammer came a few minutes later and was ready to play without
taking a practice swing. Perhaps Mauler should have come to Kreten Kourt at
sunrise to practice because he was embarrassingly not ready to begin the
match. He misplaced his ball. What a true embarrassment for the CCSG. What
professional forgets where his ball is? Not a professional, but a buffoon.
Perhaps Mauler needs to go to KinderKroquet and learn the basics. He began
the match by doing some irregular move that some say cost him the game since
he was never able to recover from his abnormally slow start. Oh yea, the
2000 CCSG Champion, the Hammer won this match. I almost didn't mention it
because it should always be assumed that the Hammer wins the match.

Bloodmatch quick commentary.
	 The Mauler states in his records that "Not only does Hammer shake
his knickers whenever someone mentions double-ball, he poops his trousers as
well."
Yes, I confirm that I shake in my knickers whenever someone mentions
double-ball. However, I do not poop my trousers. I have always been on
record of saying that double dumb ball is not a true CCSG game type. I never
liked it and I never will. Yet, there is no mention by the Mauler on his
feelings about Bloodmatches that are played in the traditional CCSG game
type. The Mauler has never been able to defeat the Hammer in a traditional
game when the Bloodmatch belt is on the line. What's the matter Mauler? You
can't handle the pressure of a Bloodmatch game in traditional rules? I
believe the Mauler CAN'T handle the pressure. Here's why. We play
traditional games all the time. The Mauler will win a few games. The Hammer
will win a few games. The Godfather will win a few games and so on. However
when a bloodmatch game is played between the Hammer and Mauler, the Mauler
locks up more than Fort Knox. He can't do it! He has to play these silly
double dumb ball games that are NEVER played in the CCSG to win the belt.
Tell me when the last time an official CCSG game was played under double
dumb ball rules that wasn't a bloodmatch? You can't. It's never been done.
The Mauler practices for such games. No one else likes double dumb ball. No
one else says, "Let's play double dumb ball." Just the Mauler. Mauler why
are you afraid to play a bloodmatch game against the Hammer under
traditional rules? I know why. You can't win.

The following is a summary of the Squirearchy's Slaughterfest on 11/22/2001. The
Chicago Croquet League welcomes any croquet club in the Chicagoland area to
submit the results of their games to this email group.

Slaughterfest 2001 summary
_____________________________________
1. Highlight: Punisher dominates
2. Jaws a threat?
3. Mauler loses top average to Godfather
4. 1st Bloodmatch Mauler/Hammer
5. 2nd Bloodmatch Mauler/Punisher
6. 3rd Bloodmatch Mauler/Hammer and Punisher
7. Slaughterfest 2001 results
_____________________________________
1. Highlight: Punisher dominates
The highlight of the Slaughterfest 2001 saw Peter "Punisher" Kreten dominate the
his home turf at Kreten Kourt. Winning 2 of the 5 golden sharpshooters brings
his career total of sharpshooters up to five, tying him for second place with
the Hammer for amount of career Golden Sharpshooters. It would be a safe guess
that if more games are played on Kreten Kourt, look for the Punisher to continue
his dominance and move up in the rankings.

Punisher almost had the opportunity to win 3 sharpshooters, but Erik "Hammer"
Maldre pulled a narrow win in the first game.
_____________________________________
2. Jaws a threat?
But Punisher struck back with avengage to win the second game, with a shocking
second place finish by Kristina "Jaws" Maldre. Hammer and Mauler were left
stunned with 3rd and 4th. This was only the second career game by Jaws, and it
left the Mauler and Hammer wondering if this rookie will be a dominant force in
the future.
_____________________________________
3. Mauler loses top average to Godfather
Mauler's 4th place finish in the second game also heralded an important event in
Squirearchy history. This last place finish dropped his average below the Mati
"The Godfather" Maldre's average. Giving the honour of top champion to the
Godfather. The Mauler held the top average for 27 consecutive games, a
Squirearchy record that will stand for the ages.
_____________________________________
4. 1st Bloodmatch Mauler/Hammer
Then the heralded bloodmatch betwixt the Mauler and Hammer occured. The raging
debate on which twin would win. Even before the game began, Hammer the
challenger, was going to cancel the match because he did not want to play
double-ball. Is there a great fear within the Hammer to play double-ball? The
Mauler was quoted as saying, "Not only does Hammer shake his knickers whenever
someone mentions double-ball, he poops his trousers as well."

The ongoing question was the bloodmatch belt really worth anything to the
Hammer? Would he cancel this much anticipated event? Reluctantly he succummed to
the pressure and allowed himself to perish in a double-ball match.

However, it was an extremely close matchup at the end of the game. But with a
mental error of Hammer hitting the wrong ball, the match turned around for the
Mauler. We seem to have seen this occur with the Hammer before. Will he be able
to shake the habit of mental miscues?
_____________________________________
5. 2nd Bloodmatch Mauler/Punisher
Then Punisher challenged the Mauler for a Bloodmatch chamionship match. The
Hammer was trying to claim that only one bloodmatch championship match should be
played per day. "Hogwash!" declared Punisher. "imbecility!" declared the Mauler.
And the bloodmatch between punisher and mauler occured.

For the sake of time, a single ball match was played. Plus the Mauler wanted to
prove that he could retain the title by playing not only double-ball but
single-ball as well. And this did hold up to be true as the Mauler kept his iron
grip on the bloodmatch belt for the second defense.
_____________________________________
6. 3rd Bloodmatch Mauler/Hammer and Punisher
Then a third defense did occur as the Hammer challenged the Mauler AGAIN. Oh my!
It is amazing how turncoat the Hammer became as just before he was claiming
there should only be one bloodmatch per day.

This third defense entailed a completely new type of game. The Punisher was to
participate in this match as well. However, the Punisher could not win the belt
in this game. He could only influence the results. But to keep Punisher honest,
this was a game that would count in his standings. This type of match is called
a "3rd factor."

It looked throughout the game that Punisher would not even be a factor in the
game, but he pulled an incredible comeback blazing to the finish in first place!
The Hammer finished in second and the Mauler third. So the Hammer is the first
challenger to win the belt, despite the fact that he didn't even win the game. A
true bloodmatch champion? Perhaps not.
_____________________________________
7. Slaughterfest 2001 results
76.7 Punisher
50.8 Hammer
50.7 Mauler
20.0 First Lady
86.7 Jaws*

Game 1
1 Hammer
2 Punisher
3 Mauler
4 First Lady

Game 2
1 Punisher
2 Jaws
3 Hammer
4 Mauler

Game 3
1 Mauler
2 Hammer

Game 4
1 Mauler
2 Punisher

Game 5
1 Punisher
2 Hammer
3 Mauler
_____________________________________
Mauler = Matt Maldre
Hammer = Erik Maldre
Punisher = Peter Kreten
First Lady = Kelly Kreten
Jaws = Kristina Maldre

* indicates only one game played

We would like to remind you of this upcoming event.

Slaughterfest 2001

Date: Thursday, November 22, 2001
Time: All Day

main event: bloodmatch betwixt the mauler and hammer

Hear ye! Hear ye! A grand day in the Squirearchy history!

It was just discovered that the Squirearchy has made it upon the Worldwide
Dauphine Croquet Ranking board! And we have a player that is ranked in the
top 10 of the world!

Other clubs in the Chicago Croquet League are most certainly welcome to input
their game stats into the world rankings at:
http://croquet.dauphinois.free.fr

On Saturday morning, I dutifully entered the data from all our matches that
fit withing the Dauphine system.
Here's how our games fit. Only games with 4 or more people count. A regular
match in the Squirearchy is called a 1/2 Final. A minor game in the
Squirearchy is called a 1/4 Final. A major grand slam tournament in the
Squirearchy is called a Full Final.

Given those parameters here are the current boards (not including the minor
games played on saturday, nov 10).

Pos Points Player's name
08 2761  Erik Hammer Maldre
13 2629  Matt the Mauler Maldre
25 2175  Mati Da Godfather Maldre
30 2099  Peter Punisher Kreten
45 1760  Mike Mikey-Mike Pudlo
46 1740  Kelly First Lady Kreten
47 1727  Andrea Hampson
58 1419  Pat Seger
62 1335  Ed Ryan
68 1254  Lisa Weistroffer
70 1226  Laura Seger
91 0655  Kathy Maldre
95 0653  Kristina Jaws Maldre
104 0640  Courtney Dunker
For the full list, visit:
http://croquet.dauphinois.free.fr/CM/CM.php3?date=2001-10-29

The method used to calculate these points is based on the official method of
ranking in professional croquet and chess. It's based on who you beat. So if
you beat someone who is very high in the rankings, you will get more points.
If you beat someone very low in the rankings, you will get very little
points.

For an explanation of the formula, visit:
http://croquet.dauphinois.free.fr/Technique/mode_Elo.php3

Alright thou Hammer, you demand an extreme match? You
parley and parley about this dunker style match. I recognize your
promulgatory burps, I DO have to give concordance with you.
Dunker style (foot on ball smashing) is indeed EXTREME.

However what I'm suggesting is an apprehension that will raise
this match to a higher level of EXTREME. Yes, MORE EXTREME.
Extreme beyond what the Squirearchy has EVER seen before.

Not ONLY will this be a dunker style match, but it shall also be a
. . . DOUBLE BALL MATCH! Oh yes indeed!

Once this match has reached it's finale, the bloodmatch belt will
remain around my waist. And the world shall witness the
EXTREME croquetedness greatness of the Mauler. Oh yes
indeed!

HERE YE HEAR YE ALL NEE!
I, Erik the Hammer Maldre, have indeed challenged Matt, the something or
other, Maldre to a match where the winner takes the Bloodmatch Championship
belt. This challenge was based on the basis that the match be played "Dunker
Style".

You got it! .... Dunker Style.

Never has a match been played in the Chicagoland Croquet Squirearchy of
Gentlefolk under the Dunker Style rules. This will the be the first.

What is Dunker Style? When it is one's turn and his/her ball hits another
player's ball, the he/she (that is, the person whose turn it is) may place
his/her foot on the his/her ball and strike it to send the other person's
ball into kingdom come or somewhere close to that. That is the only rule
that is ammended to the CCSG rulebook.

Why is it called "Dunker Style"? This style of play was a tradition in the
Dunker family when playing croquet before the CCSG was formed. Dunker style
was banned in the official CCSG rulebook since it is not accepted worldwide.
NOW, I am ready to revive this tradition and give the Mauler a royal
whoopin' in the process.

Are you ready Mauler? Are you ready to be whooped up and down and sideways
and all the ways in between in the steeped-in-tradition-Dunker style match?

You better get ready.

-erik the hammer maldre

The few. The proud. The croquet players.

Chicago Croquet Squirearchy of Gentlefolk shall honor the birthday of the
Marine Corps on Saturday, November 10 by partaking in the patriotic sport of
croquet in
G.I.Joe Classic 2001 at Grandma's Battlefield. The democratic will of mallet
extreme shall be upheld in the grandest expression of freedom.

A true battle of militaric proportions shall occur as the Matt "the Mauler"
Maldre ensues battle with his twin brother, Erik "Hammer" Maldre. This
battle is like if the evil twin brothers of Cobra, Tomax and Xamot ensued in
a battle against one another. Who shall win?

Only the one with the most grit, determination and courage shall be left
standing with the Bloodmatch Championship belt. The Hammer plays the
underdog as he challenges the Mighty Mauler. The Mauler has yet to respond
as to what type of match it shall be. But a rumour was heard on the radio
that the Mauler is considering another deadly two-ball match! He has been
heard to say, "What else better for the battle of the twins to play a 2-ball
match?"

There are many other militaristic reasons to have croquet tournament called,
"G.I.Joe Classic" on November 10.
1) Birthday of Marine Core on Nov 10
2) Veterans day on Nov 12
3) Honor our country in this current time of war
4) G.I.Joe has been relaunched into the comic book business this month.
(make sure to pick up your copy today!)

I uploaded a bunch of pictures from the Squirearchy's last
croquet event on October 21, 2001...also known as "Creepy
Croquet 2001"
http://www.geocities.com/croquetpictures

This email group, Chicago Croquet, welcomes any pictures from
anybody's croquet events in the Chicagoland area.

The following is a summary of the Squirearchy's Creepy Croquet on 10/21/2001.
The Chicago Croquet League welcomes any croquet club in the Chicagoland area to
submit the results of their games to this email group.

Creepy Croquet 2001 wrapup
_____________________________________
Contents
1. New members inducted
2. Unveiling of the bloodmatch championship belt
3. First official double-ball match
4. Godfather scores highest average for one person in one event
5. Hammer scores half-court run
6. Other notes from the day
7. Shot of the day
8. Current stats
_____________________________________
1.
New members inducted
Ed Ryan, Kathy Maldre and Kristina "Jaws" Maldre played their first official
game.
Jaws brings to the table her cunning ability to hit a ball with her mallet.
Ed brings to the Squirearchy his controversial White Sox hat.
Kathy brings the spirit of a champion.
_____________________________________
2.
Bloodmatch championship belt unveiled
The bloodmatch championship belt stunned and amazed those in attendence at
Creepy Croquet 2001. The Mauler captured this prized possession and was
quoted afterwards, "I've been waiting all my life for this. I am finally the
bloodmatch champion! The world is truly in my hands. Now I wait by my phone
to hear about my next major motion picture project."

The next event is Slaughterfest 2001 (I think it's on Thanksgiving at Kreten
Field), we shall see who wants to contend to be the next challenger for the
bloodmatch belt.
_____________________________________
3.
First official double-ball match.
The Mauler defeated the Punisher in the first ever official double ball
match. Originally also a double-run game, it was shortened down to a
single-run due to time contraints. Peter admitted that the double-ball match
was, "very confusing." The Mauler was able to take advantage of Peter's
double-ball inexperience.

Most of this match was digitally recorded by the Hammer. A cd with croquet
movies will be released in the near future. Any interested parties in
obtaining a Squirearchy movie cd should contact the Mauler (Matt Maldre) at
croquet@....
_____________________________________
4.
Godfather scores highest average for one person in one event.
The Godfather scored a 118.7 average for the two games that he played, a new
record. To view the Squirearchy records, go to:
http://www.spudart.org/chicagocroquet/standings/records
_____________________________________
5.
Hammer scores half-court run
In the second game of the day, the Hammer started last and had the entire
court set up for him to make a half-court run. There was an opponent's ball
sitting at every wicket allowing him to croquet his way to an easy
half-court run. (the first official one on record)
_____________________________________
6.
Other notes from the day
The Hammer asked Pudlo if his brown croquet ball looked like a whopper (like
the candy). Pudlo gustoly replied, "Yeah, every time before I hit it, I
think should I eat it, or hit it?"
_____________________________________
7.
Shot of the day
The Godfather had a couple shots that day that were worthy of the shot of
the day, so he earns this award.
_____________________________________
8.
Current stats are available on the Squirearchy website.
http://www.spudart.org/chicagocroquet/standings

Creepy Croquet totals
118.7 Godfather (77.6 career)
87.4 Hammer (67.4)
75.4 Mauler (83.2)
46.7 Punisher (45.4)
43.6 Ed (43.6)
20.0 Jaws (20.0)
00.0 Pudlo (06.8)
00.0 Kathy (00.0)

Game 1:
1 Mauler
2 Hammer
3 Punisher
4 Ed
5 Jaws
6 Pudlo

Game 2:
1 Hammer
2 Punisher
3 Godfather
4 Ed
5 Mauler
6 Pudlo

Game 3 (Bloodmatch Championship)
1 Mauler
2 Punisher

Game 4 (minor)
1 Mauler
2 Hammer
3 Godfather
4 kathy

only five more days until Creepy Croquet

only five more days until history is made

only five more days until the double ball, double run bloodmatch between the
Mauler and the Punisher

only five more days until the Mauler wins the first ever double ball double
run bloodmatch

only five more days until the Mauler whoops the Punisher

only five more days until the Punisher cries "no more"

only five more days until the Mauler walks away with  the Squirearchy
Bloodmatch Championship Belt

i like it!!!

--- "Erik, The Hammer" <emaldre@...> wrote:
> Here's one off the top of my head:
> Chicagoland Croquet Squirearchy of Gentlefolk
> "Squirrels are welcome"

Here's one off the top of my head:
Chicagoland Croquet Squirearchy of Gentlefolk
"Squirrels are welcome"

I'm trying to develop a tagline for the Squirearchy.
A tagline is a brief sentence that describes something about the
Squirearchy.

For instance, the Lakewood Croquet Club's tagline is:
"Mallets Plus Morons Equals Mayhem"

Our tagline doesn't have to goofy. I would like goofy ones, but I
also welcome the simple ones. Here are some samples:

Simple:
"The premiere extreme croquet club in Chicago"

Funny:
"Chicago's wicket club" (a play on wicked)
"You've never seen croquet like this"
"Where croquet meets the WWF"
"Croquet on steroids"
"Experience the croquet high"

Please submit any ideas for taglines to this email group.
chicagocroquet@yahoogroups.com

Thank you

the Punisher was in South America when he heared the news.  the news was that
the Mauler has once again been running his mouth and talking about how he is
going to beat the Punisher into a ghost @ Creepy Croquet 2001.  Well you now
what Mauler you can talk the talk but can you walk the walk.  I can and @
Creepy Croquet 2001 the greatest feud in Croquet history will be finished and
I will be the first ever Blood Match Champion  crowned. i am not going there
to lose. i will win and you will be PUNISHED once and for all. becauseYOU ARE
JUST ANOTHER VICTIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Creepy Croquet 2001 at Maldre Yard upon Sunday, October 21 shall go where no
croqueteir has ventured before. The first owner of the recently procurated
Squirearchy Bloodmatch Championship belt shall be decided betwixt Matt "The
Mauler" Maldre and Peter "Punisher" Kreten.

A match of indeed epic proportions as the Mauler has unveiled a new type of
match never seen before by the Squirearchy. In a recent interview while
sharpening his croquet mallet the Mauler exclaimed in a sweaty panter,

> > >
"Punisher! At Fallout 2001, we were not able to finish our unfinished
bizness. It's time to finish the unfinishedness by me finishing you off once
and for all finishnesses to end. Yes, it SHALL be a DOUBLE ball... AND... OH
YES... AND... a DOUBLE run game. The FIRST ever seen in Squirearchy history.
AND the FIRST ever Bloodmatch for the Bloodmatch Championship Belt in
Squirearchy history.

Because, you see...the Mauler is deep into making history. OH YES, the
Mauler likes the HISTORY. Because on that fine Sunday afternoon, the Mauler
will FINISH you off, and you will be H IIIIIIIIIII SSSSSSSSSSSS TTTTTTT
OOOOOOO RRRRR ................ e.

And then the Mauler will walk off with the Bloodmatch Championship belt. Oh
it's true, it's MIGHTY true."
> > >

Then the Mauler was seen storming off. We are awaiting Punisher's response.

One thing that is for certain, ghosts will be made on the croquet field as
someone gets buried while the other will be exalted. And there will be other
exciting multi-player games.
--------------
Game time on Sunday, October 21 to be determined upon when the Maldres
finish cleaning out the attic. Approximate game time: afternoon.

Anyone wishing to participate should contact Matt Maldre at
mmaldre@...  Space is limited.

Again, the Hammer eagerly anticipates the arrival of the first Squirearchy
Bloodmatch Championship.

          O
  -----------------     erik maldre / 630-954-4292
  C F M D I R E C T     technology manager of creative services

Erik the Hammer replies:

I realize that I am not one of the "scheduled participants" of the first
Squirearchy Bloodmatch. But let me repeat my statement: "The Hammer eagerly
anticipates the arrival of the first Squirearchy Bloodmatch Championship."

I think there is good reason there has never been a double-ball game or
double-run game in the history of the Squirearchy. Nonetheless, let's just
say the Hammer eagerly anticipates the arrival of the first Squirearchy
Bloodmatch Championship.

          O
  -----------------     erik maldre / 630-954-4292
  C F M D I R E C T     technology manager of creative services

The date of Creepy Croquet has been changed from October 20, 2001 to October
21, 2001 to accomodate Erik Maldre and his Hammer.

Game time to be determined upon when the Maldres finish cleaning out the
attic. Approximate game time: afternoon.

Anyone wishing to participate should contact Matt Maldre at
mmaldre@...  Space is limited.

Within the past few days, the Squirearchy office was informed that there is
a Squirearchy Bloodmatch Championship Belt in existence. The origins of this
belt yields from the canons of the Peter "Punisher" Kreten.

The Squirearchy is grateful towards the Punisher for the formation of such a
prominent heraldry. Hence at the next official event, Creepy Croquet, The
Punisher shall face Matt "The Mauler" Maldre to determine the Squirearchy
Bloodmatch Champion.

As stated in rule b.20 of Squirearchy rules, the player with the higher
career points average shall determine the type of match. (
http://www.spudart.org/chicagocroquet/rules/rules.html )The Mauler is yet
to respond to what type of bloodmatch this shall be. It is rumoured that he
is considering a double-ball double-run game! The first ever in the history
of the Squirearchy! We have never seen an official double-ball game, nor a
double-run game. And heavens be! Both together! What an event this shall
turn out to be!

Fallout 1: Game 2, "The Mosquito War"
09/08/2001

As the sun was setting, a second game of croquet was
constented upon to play. A slightly different course was quickly
established. Much to the Mauler's approval the run on the stick
started from the bottom up, allowing him to start last instead of
the stressful first.

As the sun had pretty much set, and the dark had firmly
established itself, the mosquitos started their assault onto the
lawn. There was fear as just days before the West Nile virus was
spread to Illinois by mosquitos. There was talk of cancelling the
game, but all the players decided to perpetuate and uphold the
sanctity of the game.

Once again, the Mauler fell back in the group, and it looked as
though it would be another battle betwixt Erik and Pat. But then
miracles do occur on the croquet field.

After the Mauler just completed the first corner hoop, the Mauler
was hurredingly shot at the middle hoop as it was getting dark
and the mosquitos increased aggression. He shot his ball and it
went through the dark all the way through the middle hoop! "Shot
of the day! Shot of the day!" exclaimed the Mauler. Then he never
looked back as he continued to croquet and roquet his way to the
halfway hoops past all the stunned competitiors who were
pooping in their trousers.

Eventually Courtney Dunker and Laura Seger Laura gave their
notice of relinquishment due to the heavy coverage of
mosquitos. So they ablegate off their balls and exited the field in
one of the first ever surrenders. Adieu!

The darkness and mosquitos grew to a near insurrmountable
foe, but the Mauler, Punisher, Erik and Pat endured this greatest
challenge to what would be a classic game to be relived in
stories told in the future to our grandchildren.

Erik made it a close game near the end, but the Mauler staked
out first under the blanket of darkness and mosquitos and he
quickly removed the Golden Sharpshooter to no celebration. He
then dashed inside to the refuge of the indoors.
---

To respond send your email to:
chicagocroquet@yahoogroups.com

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ChicagoCroquet

Fallout 1: Game 1 09/08/2001
When the players arrived at Grandma's Battlefield, there was
much bewonderment as a BADMINTON set was established in
the middle of our elegant field. We where smicken with
astonishment. What an unforeseen event! But croquet shall live
on. Yes indeed it shall!

After playing some badminton, it was decided that the croquet
set shall be established onto the field for competition of Fallout
1.

The very first Golden Sharpshooter was placed on top of the
starting stake.

As pre-game practice ensued, the grass was the victor of many
positive comments because of its extreme shortness. However,
the ground beneath this short grass was a very bumpy ground.
The plastic croquet balls were hopping all over the place. In
practice, the Matt "The Mauler" Maldre had great difficulty getting
through both opening hoops at once, which proved deadly for
him in the opening game.

The Mauler started off the first game with a weak attempt to get
through both hoops. Then following his first two weak hits, he
meagerly tapped his ball to the first corner hoop.

Erik Maldre had a great run as he cleared the middle hoop on
his first turn utilizing Pat's ball for a croquet at the middle hoop.

The Mauler quickly fixed his err, by croqueting his way to the
middle hoop. However an error at the middle hoop allowed Pat
Seger to leap past the Mauler and compete directly with Erik.

Despite Erik falling into the ballpit at the half-stake, Pat and Erik
ensued battle for the rest of the course until the final pair of
hoops.

It looked as though Pat had a clear run to the final, but alas, it
was Erik's turn and he croquetted Pat's ball and he continued on
to win the first game of Fallout 1 and the first ever Golden
Sharpshooter. A grand deed indeed!

Dinner and dessert was called, then another game of that
Badminton. It was quickly realized that the first three letters of
Badminton accurately describes this sport.

Fallout 1 at Grandma's Battlefield shall occur on the day of
September 8, in the fine year of our Lorde 2001.

After the Mauler and Punisher split two games at this year's
Summer Slam, the Mauler wishes to avenge this draw with a
die-end-all rubber bloodmatch.

The Mauler said in a recent interview, "Punisher! We have some
unfinished business to attend to. At Summer Slam we split two
games. Yes, THAT is TRUE...unfortunately. I shall avenge this
loss. Oh yes, I SHALL!
------At this upcoming Fallout,
------I'll roquet and croquet
------and freakin' BROQUET
------yo' ball everywhere.
------When I'm done with you,
------you'll end up in the BAR-BE-QUE!
So you better be ready for one dandy of a bloodmatch and get
your aluminum foil suit on buddy, cuz you're gonna get FRIED!"

We are awaiting Punisher's response.

The day was crisp, the grass freshly trimmed. Everything was
ready and tidy to hold the festivities for Summer Slam 2001 on
August 19, 2001.

A new techological wonder was bestowed upon us as the 505
Hammer was modified to include a laser on its head. A true
state-of-the-art mallet the world has never seen the likes of
before!

The question on everyone's mind was, "Will this give him great
advantage over us? Will he dominate the day and leave us
rolling in the dust?" Or was this just another gee-whiz gadget
that Erik swears to use over and over, all the while he gets
farther and farther behind his competitors. (see game #1,
7/21/2001 with his wedge head and the sewer cap incident...truly
embarassing.)

The first game of the day had to be the most memorable for
several reasons. The Mauler blasted off to an incredible start.
Right from the starting stake he made a run that had all the
players in shock and pooping their trowsers in fear. The Mauler
was utilizing techniques never seen before in Squirearchy play.
He was roll shotting, using cut splits, stop shots all over the
place to perfection. The other players were heard commenting,
"awww, golly Mauler, wenz it gonna be ours turn, huh?" The
Mauler ignored their minor rantings and continued to dominate
half of the field. He was on a run that would look like it shall not
be matched in many years to come. But when it came to the half
stake, he missed it; thereby missing an official half-court run.

The Mauler was heard to say a few moments afterward, "That's
alright, I have the utmost confidence, that I shall strike the fear
in everyone's hearts yet again in the near future."

The father snuk in near the end for first place. Erik had the
chance to finish second and put the Mauler back in the
standings, despit the incredible first half run. But has Erik
prepared for one of his final shots to wrap up the game, the
Father called out to him, "Just make sure you hit your own ball."
But apparently the SOS hammer had it's mind somewhere else
as he hit the Maulers ball with his mallet! A true mental error that
shall never be forgotten...well, in the waterboy's case, I'm sure he
will forget, because he forgot to hit his own ball in the first place.

The Mauler commented later, "I couldn't believe what he was
doing. He was standing right over my ball with that blasted laser.
Even Father warned him. He must have had his noggin in
la-te-toodle-doodle land. Perhaps, he should retreat to playing
Candy Land. I mean really! What in the Queen's name was his
thinking?"

The featured bloodmatch of the day was Peter "Punisher" Kreten
vs. Matt "the Mauler" Maldre.

The Mauler challenged the Punisher to a bloodmatch and after
the first game he proved dominately over the Punisher as the
Punisher was soundly defeated. The Mauler granted the
Punisher's wish of a rematch. It was a close battle by the halfway
mark. But with a mental error, the Mauler chose not to roquet the
Punisher's ball before entering the double halfway wickets,
instead aiming directly for the wicket. And of course his ball stuck
the wicket and the Punisher easily glided by him through the half
stake and onto the 2nd half of the field. The Punisher would hold
onto the lead for the remainder of the game.

So we leave the bloodmatch with tie. A tie that must be broken. A
tie that must be broken at Fallout 1. Yes indeed, this tie shall be
broken, and some one's mallet will be most indoubtedly broken
over their head in defeat.

Who was the winner of Summer Slam? Hard to say, Erik and the
Mauler come very close.
The Mauler played 7 games averaging 66.7 points.
Erik played 5 games averaging 65.0 points.
Father played 4 games averaging 50.0 points.
Punisher played 4 games averaging 39.6 points.

In those 5 matches where Erik and the Mauler directly played
each other, Erik defeated the Mauler twice; and Matt defeated
Erik twice. But the straw breaker is that Erik only garnered two
first place finishes, while the Mauler captured 3 first place
finishes in those 5 matches.

So it would have to be decided that The Mauler is the champion
of the first ever Summer Slam!