We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any day now, you'reging to turn on the TV and see a
weather person pointing to some radarblob out in the
Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological
points:(1) There is no need to panic.(2) We could all
be killed. Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time
to be in Louisiana. If you're new to the area, you're
probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for
the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow
this simple three-step hurricanepreparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your
family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until
Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, statistics show that most
people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people
will foolishly stay here in Louisiana. So we'll start
with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must
have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance
is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets
two basic requirements:(1) It is reasonably
well-built, and(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Louisiana,
or any other area that might actually be hit by a
hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not
to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is
certainly not why they got into the insurance business
in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around
for an insurance company, which will charge you an
annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value
of your house. At any moment, this company can drop
you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane
Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different
home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by
the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy
which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and
Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on
all the windows, allthe doors, and -- if it's a major
hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types
of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you
make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is
that, because you make them yourself,they will fall
off. Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these
work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage
is that once you get them all up, your hands will be
useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're
very easy to use, and will definitely protect your
house. The disadvantage is that you will haveto sell
your house to pay for them. "Hurricane-proof''
windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they
can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of
this, because the salesman says so. He lives in
Nebraska."Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the
hurricane approaches,check your yard for movable
objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a
precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool
(if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have
one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds
will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you
should have anevacuation route planned OUT. (To
determine whether you live in a low-lyingarea, look at
your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana" you
live in alow-lying area.) The purpose of having an
evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from
your home, along with two hundred thousand other
evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not belonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will
need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now!
Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the
last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and
get intovicious fights with strangers over who gets
the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water,
you will need the following supplies:23 flashlights.
At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when
the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the
flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach
is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's
traditional, so GET some!)A 55-gallon drum of underarm
deodorant. A big knife that you can strap to your leg.
(This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks
cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the
alligators. (Ask anybodywho went through Andrew;
after the hurricane, there WILL be irate
alligators.)$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after
the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a
man with no discernible teeth.Of course these are just
basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is
vitally important that you keep abreast of the
situation by turning on your television and watching
TV reporters in rain slickers standing rightnext to
the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally
important it is for everybody to stay away from the
ocean.Good luck and remember: it's great living in
paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet should
come. Really!!