Just spent two days looking for wreckage from the Air France plane, couldn't see any, Google Earths not that good.
 
 
Andy Murray during the French Open: The most promising tennis player in Britain.
Andy Murray after the French Open: Useless, goofy Scottish twat.
Susan Boyle during Britain's Got Talent: Worldwide-renowned British talent.
Susan Boyle after Britain's Got Talent: Deformed, brain-dead Scottish munter.
Gordon Brown before becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish wanker.
Gordon Brown after becoming PM: One-eyed, Scottish wanker.
 
 
Is anyone else outraged to hear that Mr Sheen is actually Polish?
 
 
I was bored at work yesterday, so I gave a colleague a clock and told him to give it to someone else.
I had to do something to pass the time.

 

 

I tried anal sex this weekend with a girl I've been dating. But I think I'm doing it wrong. No matter how hard I pushed I couldn't get my whole arse into her vagina.
 
 
There was an unbelievably close finish in this years "Shemale of the year" contest.
It was a Thai.
 
 
Is it me or is David Blunkett reading from a autocue everytime he is on the news ?
 
 
Today's business report:
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged. Balloon prices were inflated. Horses began to stabilise
 
 
Just to let you know, if anyone knocks on your door collecting money for Dr Barnados, it’s a scam.
He died in 1905.

 

I tried booking a flight with Air France. The telesales rep asked me where I wanted to sit. She got proper pissed off when I said the shallow end.
 
 
America: putting the oops in to troops.
 
 
Fighting the French in war is like losing your virginity.
Just a little push and it's all over
 
 
My gran told me the best way to get rid of a summer cold was to drink a glass of iced orange juice, followed by a hot bath.
It really works. It took days to finish the bath though.
 
 
If a dung beetle went into a bar and got pissed........
.......Would he fall off his stool?
 
 
Lets hope during Saturdays D Day celebrations the French haven't organised a fly by
 
 
Ironically, there will be more Frenchmen on the beaches of Rio and Ipanema than there were at Normandy !! C'est la vie - or not...
 
 
How come when it's a human its an abortion;
But when it's a chicken it's an omelette?
 
 
My girlfriend has a tattoo of a dolphin on her calf. She said it's because she loves animals.
I find it funny that she also loves wearing fish-net stockings...
 
 
Just got done for drink driving, was taken to police station where I was made to give a urine sample.
Copper left sample on counter so I took it.
Bastards have now charged me with taking the piss.
 
 
was staring at this circle for about an hour and then I thought to myself.
Theres no point to this.
 
 
what do you call the fatty tissue around a vagina...... the wife!
 
 
Here i sit all broken hearted
Went to shit but only farted
Then one day i took a chance
Went to fart but shat my pants
 
 
Nitrous Oxide, its no laughing matter.
 
 
In Jamaica, there’s no gold at the end of the rainbow.
Just pot
 
 
When the bodies of the women from the Air France crash are recovered it will be easy to discover their nationalities.
To find out if Brazilian, check between the legs and to find out if French, check under the armpits.
 
 
I can't help but think that if I was Mr.Muscle, I wouldn't waste my time cleaning sinks?
 
 
I don't understand why the Liberal Democrats are against introducing ID cards.
If they're introduced, we would know who the fuck their leader is.
 
 
I’ve just been arrested at Charles De Gaulle airport on suspicion of smuggling banned substances into France.
They found soap and deodorant in my hand luggage